» Accidental innuendo

Accidental innuendo
A couple of years ago we from the local fire station decided to go out and get some dodgy takeaway for lunch. I decided on a Subway sandwich from the local shopping centre, and was standing at the counter trying to decide when the young girl behind the counter asked me if I had decided what I wanted. I couldn't decide whether I wanted a 6 or 12 inch roll, so, I asked her "If she ever found that 6 inches wasn't enough, but 12 inches was too much."
(Tue 17th Jun 2008, 13:56, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

Once got called to help the Police search a unit in Kings Cross,
in Sydneys red light district. Bit strange thinks I, the Police don't usually need the Fire Brigade to help them do searches in peoples homes. The reason soon became obvious though. The said unit was the home of a not so recently deceased heroin addict and prostitute, only she was still in attendance.
Now I've seen a few dead people in my twenty odd years in the Fire Brigade, and they don't usually worry me, except for the first one which scared the shit out of me. But this one had a bit of a twist. You see, the departed lady of the night, had a pet poodle, awww, cute, I hear you think, she had a good heart after all. Maybe so, but you'd be hard pressed to tell because the cute little poodle had been munching down on its deceased owner for at least two weeks. As the owner had died wearing only a pair of panties, snookems had decided that all that exposed flesh was just too good to pass up, and had proceeded to eat her face, breasts, stomach and the tops of her thighs. In fact the only way the Police at the scene could determine the sex was to look down inside the corpses knickers to see if there was any meat and two veg. But if the sight wasn't bad enough, the smell was unbelievable.
Two week old rotten corpse, stale dogshit, fresh dogshit, and some sickly perfume stuff the Police had used to try and mask the smell.
Which is why we were there, to lend the Police our breathing apparatus because you literally couldn't breath in there without spewing. I know, I tried and failed.
The bizarest thing was as they were removing what was left of the body, and discussing who was going to drop the (by now quite fat) pooch off at the RSPCA, the next door neighbour pipes up and says" Oh, he's a nice little chap, I'll have him if nobody minds". Stuffed if I know how you'd be able to sleep at night in a unit knowing that your dog had a taste for human flesh.
(Mon 25th Jun 2007, 2:07, More)

» Advice from Old People

Advice from Old People
Whem nan was alive she was a veritable font of advice. My favourite, being told as a small child to, "wish in one hand, piss in the other one, and see which one fills up first".
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 13:21, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

My first stiff.
I guess it was about 1990 or so. I had been in the Fire Brigade for a couple of years and hadn't seen a dead body yet. One night we got a call to a "concern for welfare" at a nearby highrise residential complex.

On arrival at the address, we found a few bags of shopping outside the door, where they had been left by the local shops delivery person earlier that day. After forcing the front door, we discovered that the light in the flat didn't work, and while we were discussing who was going in to look for the occupant, I felt a hand in the middle of my back, got shoved roughly through the door into the darkness, and had the door pulled shut behind me.

Now that was a bit stressful for a young guy not long in the job, but not as bad as when I turned my torch on and shone it around the flat to discover the occupant sitting upright on the lounge chair eyes wide open, and covered in blood from the throat all down the front of her body! Obviously she had had her throat slashed by some insane murderer, who was probably still in there waiting for their next victim. As I frantically tried to open the door to escape the madman, the door wouldn't budge and all I could hear was my workmates giggling like fucking schoolgirls on the outside, holding the door shut! I backed into the nearest corner and swung the torch around looking for the murderer who was going to kill me, when the door opened and in walked two ambo's who walked over the the murder victim, quickly checked for signs of life and instantly concluded that the "murder victim" had died after a stomach ulcer had ruptured and bled out. Thank Christ! I wasn't going to die at the hands of a physcopathic knife murderer, well not that night anyway. I've seen quite a few since then, but none stuck in my head like my first.
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 12:47, More)

» Stuff I've found

Stuff I've found
Very timely this question. Went spearfishing this afternoon and found a stainless steel boarding ladder on the bottom that had fallen off someones boat. Found them for sale on the net and they're worth $300. Result.
(Mon 10th Nov 2008, 5:29, More)