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AHOY!

What to say? I like doodling and being silly. I excel in procrastination. I have a website that I've not really done much for (yet)....

www.arsethat.co.uk

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» Sleepwalking

Gasp o' delight!
Indeed I have several stories for this question, and I shall save the best for last.

I'll start with my mother, who is partial to falling asleep in the middle of a conversation, while still continuing it.

I was once sat on her bed as she dozed, telling her of my worries about something to do with my boyfriend, and got the wonderful advice:

"Pull his ears."

What?

"Pull his ears! To stop the elves."

As lovely as that was, I didn't try it and instead left her to sleep.

She often wakes up in the middle of the night to hold similarly nonsensical conversations with my poor unsuspecting and befuddled dad.
(Wed 22nd Aug 2007, 23:54, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Our fluffy rabbit, Pumpkin
Started life as a tiny girl rabbit called Poppy but was quickly revealed to be a Pumpkin when he took a liking to humping our feet. Off to the vets he went.

He spent his life chasing your toes, rubbing noses with you, hopping up for cuddles, hiding in piles of cuddly toys and leaping off chairs onto the christmas tree, knocking it all over with much mess, as he was a complete chocoholic.

There was one time he became suddenly ill with such blocked lungs that he stood on the spot just to get enough energy to breathe. The vet gave him an injection and said he probably wouldn't live, but my sister sat beside him all the time, perched on a chair, and he pulled through.

He showed even more love to her after that and sought her out for cuddles, which I saw as him showing his appreciation.

He always had eye problems too. What we didn't know was over time his back teeth were slowly growing into his head, causing him eating problems and alot of pain. The vet said he was slowly starving but was so fluffy we didn't notice.

He was always so happy, and willing to play. We never thought for a moment that he was in pain and even though he had had teeth problems before we assumed it was fine.

So last year on the 22nd of this month I think it was, we had him put to sleep. We all still miss him and my eyes are getting wet as I type.

We never knew he was in pain, just assumed he was fine because he was so happy. I hope that means we made him happy and that he felt loved. Because he certainly was.
(Sun 9th Dec 2007, 0:17, More)

» Personal Ads

A tale of two messenger programmes....
Back in the year 2003 we got a new computer, and feeling a bit lonely and having just discovered MSN, I decided to search profiles of British boys my age. Not exactly intended personal ads but effectively they were to me.

I found three I said hello to via their profiles: one claimed to be a piece of toast, the other loved dinosaurs and the third was a sarcy bastard who looked fun, which I told him and it pissed him off more.

So no to toast boy and dinosaur man, whereas sarcy bastard accused me of selling pornography and we eventually fell in love. Met for real two years back, still together.

Now we move on to Skypé. A programme downloaded so I could talk to my sarcy mister and still be able to peruse the internets.

I do not know what I have written, or what sort of spell has been placed on my profile, but I am a magnet for horny Turkish men.

And yes, only Turkish men. I've had about twelve of them so far trying to remove my "cyber pants" as they shall be dubbed. When pissed off at a clear refusal one went so far as to call me a "fishy cunt donkey". No, I'm not sure what that is either.

So there you go...
(Thu 13th Sep 2007, 21:57, More)

» Absolute Power

The power over life and death!
I have arachnophobia and I have it bad. I don't really mind other wee beasties, but spiders not only can not fly away but have webs! You can jump and throw them off you, but by god if they've webbed you they'll come right back! They'll swing about attached to your arm and you never know if they're truly gone. I dislike them so much I even have what I call "spider attacks". This is where I half wake up at night and see them crawling over my room or my pillow. Sometimes they look like giant prawns. This causes much amusement to my sister who often sees me jumping across the room, swearing and running in circles.

The other month, what with it being summer and the horrid things coming indoors to keep cool, I spotted IT. IT being a HUGE ENORMOUS MASSIVELY GIANT spider on the wall. There was no way I was leaving that thing in the house. Who knows where it would end up? With the possibility of that being on or anywhere near me I had to act.

The problem is I'm one of those people that some would call "too nice" and others "a big pussy". I can't kill things. It's too mean. It didn't do anything to deserve to die, except for being very big and incredibly scary but I guess to spiders I'm very big and incredibly scary too. I'm not smooshed so why should it be? Damn damn damn.

So a plastic air freshener lid is fetched, along with a piece of card. The regular "spider catching kit". My sister placed the lid over the top of it (at this point I was hopping in circles and squealing near by) and together we take our time getting the card between the lid and the wall.

A problem arises. When we try to move the lid with the card, the card bends and leaves an escapable gap. However, together we are an intelligent pair and I run off to fetch our saviour- the spatula! Sneaking it behind the card I flip the lid and card over and we're off! She's got the door, I've got the beast! The night is fresh and oh my god what if it lands on me when I put it outside?!

As she throws the door wide open in the night any passers by would have been privy to the sight of two squealing girls in their nighties, one holding the door like an over-enthusiastic actor and the other throwing lid, card, spider and spatula out into the night, loudly declaring, "FUCK!"

Scary as that bloody thing was I held the power to its very life, but the beast was gone and once again the Vix0r and her sister had saved the day!
(Sat 10th Jul 2010, 19:02, More)

» Narrow Escapes

Lesson learned. Pay my taxis all the way home.
The other night I had to get a taxi home from work as the buses didn't go my way at that time and I can't drive. It's been about a year since I had to take one home but my god have the fares gone up! I'm only ten minutes down the road but it was rising to over a tenner by the looks of it.

Now I live at the end of a country road so thought, why not stop here and just walk back in the nice twilight? So I pay him the high high fare and set off. It's a nice night, the air is fresh and I have a sausage roll to munch. I stroll off happily, humming wee songs to myself. Only to round the corner and come face to face with a young bull. Ah crap. And two babies whose mother is standing behind the fence they'd escaped from mooing at me in a very threatening manner. And the daddy bull beside the mother who is so big he could crush the fence he's behind with his ears.

So I stop and stand. They moo at me and the bullock walks on a little bit. I rustle my bag and walk on a bit. He walks on a bit. And so on. I was making very slow and very scared progress. The farms are ahead of me and so are the cows. I phone my brother, who agrees to come and meet me on the road.

By this point it's getting dark and I should have been home already. Instead I'm terrified of getting squished and there's nowhere to run as the fields all have very big bulls in them. Watching me. Mooing, deep and low. Moooooooooh. Moooooooooh.

A corner comes and I round it. Buggery hells! No fences not covered in thick hedge and no gates but the bullock has vanished! Hooray! So I start to make my quicker way home. In the dark. A lone girl, by myself, with no houses nearby to spot me. Ah crap crap crap.

I get scared again. And there, in front of me, stands a lone man. A shadow in the night. He's stopped, watching me. Dare I pass? Shit. What do I do?

Wait, is it my brother? The man stares.

"Eh.... Is that you?"

"Yes!"

"Why didn't you call out?!"

"I tried but my phone has no signal."

"No, shout my name! All I saw was a man watching me in the dark!"

"Oh. Sorry!"

"Why didn't you move?"

"I thought you were a cow."

So we make our way back home together, passing the little house with the two barking dogs in the garden. I mention that I'm grateful for their garden fence when my brother suddenly starts and says, "aah! One's out!"

Sure enough, heeeere it comes charging and massive, snarling and growling. Oh great. I missed being squashed by ten million bulls (and one cow) and being kidnapped in the night. Now I'm going to be eaten to death by a dog.

I start in a tizzy. "Eeeeh!" "Don't run!" shouts my brother. I freeze in a very odd position of panic, one leg in the air and my bag over my head. Am I allowed to move? Luckily it stood it's ground and under the advice of my brother we slowly carry on walking home. Where I put on my pyjamas, make myself a huuuuuge cup of tea and have a nice sit down.

All that to save two quid. Never again!
(Wed 25th Aug 2010, 15:55, More)
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