» Encounters with Royalty

Prince William stole my job
I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Capricorn, based somewhere idyllic in the Indian Ocean. They were studying marine plankton ecology out there, and I had just received a distinction for my 6-month MSc project all about marine plankton ecology. My MSc group was a small one, so I have little reservation in saying I was probably the best qualified graduate in the country for the position. I am also a qualified SCUBA diver.

They turned me away, saying they wanted ‘someone better qualified’. Imagine my surprise then, when 4-weeks later, an 18-year old Prince William got the position as part of his Gap Year. He was the perfect candidate – the Sun newpaper told me – ‘because of his A-level geography qualification’.

But I’m not bitter. No, wait! Yes I am.
(Wed 9th Aug 2006, 0:36, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Terror at 39000ft
Probably on a flight to London (from Aberdeen) last November when the cabin pressure failed at 39000 ft.
Nothing dramatic like at the end of Goldfinger, just a click as the masks dropped down. Bloody horrifying it was nonetheless - the crew were all sitting down so no-one knew what was going on - and all you could see were passengers swivel-eyed with fear behind their masks as a distinct burning smell filled the cabin. A woman on my aisle hopped into the empty seat next to me and held my hand while the looped tannoy announcment didn't reassure: 'Place mask over mouth and nose. The smell of burning is normal'.

When we landed the stewardess came out with the standard announcement 'Welcome to London Heathrow. We hope you enjoyed your flight'.
(Tue 27th Feb 2007, 20:40, More)

» Best Films Ever

Best 1/2 film I've ever seen
Zoolander - it was on the movie channel in the hotel but I only got 1/2 through it before I was being shagged senseless by the lovely Irish ex-beauty queen I'd met that night.

Is it a good film..? Probably not, but whenever I think about it, I smile.
(Fri 18th Jul 2008, 16:40, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

I live in fear of David Courtney
When I was at uni, a girl got sexually assaulted one weekend. Real nasty, too. Anyway, the police interviewed me about it, along with several other people in my halls who fitted the description of the offender. It wasn't me - I was at my grandad's funeral in Germany that weekend.

Anyway, years later, I'm having a 'brushes with the law' conversation with the barber. I told the above story, and he revealed that he was mates with East-End hard man David Courtney, a man not famous for his love of sex offenders. I spent the next weeks convinced that my barber & Mr. Courtney were waiting round every dark corner, ready to beat the shit out of me for possibly being a pervert and living 'on their manor'.

(FYI, the police caught the culprit - he lived 2 floors above me - and he got 12 years in chokey for his vile acts)
(Thu 17th Aug 2006, 23:37, More)