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I'm a product photographer and a drummer and a boy. I first came to B3ta in 2005, but then I got a job where I wasn't allowed to fuck around on the internet so lost touch. Now I have a better job and I'm BACK! YAY!

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Baldmonkey, in his incesent quest to irritate me with his internet poetry, wrote this

FoldsFive made this. 'Tis me!


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Best answers to questions:

» Trapped!

My ex-ex girlfriend and I got locked in Newcastle Keep.


We were on the roof looking at the view from the battlements of Henry II's New Castle upon the Tyne and didn't realise it was closing time. Obviously the staff didn't bother checking the Keep for any stragglers before locking the portcullis and going home.

We were none the wiser until we made our way to the exit and noticed that "Oh, we must be the last ones to leave", before pushing on the door to find it was locked tight with a medieval lock and chain.

I LOVE generally creepy things and despite not believing in ghosts and the like, particularly enjoy the spookiness of such places purely for the thrill of it. Therefore, I was super excited at the prospect of having to spend the night in a medieval castle and was ready to take full advantage of the situation by taking another more detailed tour of the building.

My girlfriend on the other hand, rapidly became a quivering, terrified wreck as the sound of chinking metal echoed down the 1000 year-old stairs and around the cold stone walls from the wind outside knocking the flag rope against its pole on the battlements.

Despite all my efforts to console her and explain quite how cool this situation was and that she should learn to appreciate these rare little events in life, I was forced to call the police before she had a proper breakdown, who then called the manager who apologetically let us out.

I would have just loved to have said, "It's ok, you can take her. I'll just stay here if you don't mind". Alas, I don't think that would have gone down well with any of the other parties.

TL;DR: I got locked in a castle.
(Fri 28th Feb 2014, 13:37, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

Labyrinth
I first watched The Labyrinth when I was about 8. I can still remember being besotted with Sarah in her baggy white blouse and tight jeans.

Near the beginning of her journey, she's walking down the walled corridor (where she meets the worm, and just before she meets Hoggle). And then some upbeat music starts and as if she were an angel, she starts to run.

Her dark hair flowing behind her, her little brown plimsoles. The breasticulars!!. Oh, the breasticulars under her loose white shirt were clearly not supported by anything as inhibiting as a brassiere. I used to imagine them under there, jigging up and down, occasionally the nipples being stroked by her flowing blouse, and her getting turned on by it a little bit. I was in love.

Shortly after this display of shear wonderfulness, she meets Hoggle. The ugly dwarf thing, and he's fumigating what could only be described by his mannerisms and general mood, as a garden pest.

But oh no. I was in heaven. Sarah, with her delicate hands, picks up one of the pests.

It's a fairy. A fucking hot fairy. It's now sitting in Sarah's hand. My first encounter of lesbian action! The fairy had sparkly cute wings with a little, lace, low-cut mini dress and bare feet.

I've watched The Labyrinth over and over again during my 23 years of life and I can still manage to deplete a box of Kleenex on the strength of it.


No apologies for length.

I'm off. To watch The Labyrinth

Share my Labyrinth love:

Sarah

Fairy
(Thu 28th Sep 2006, 16:01, More)

» Travel

Me an the ex-gf went to Lanzarote for our first holiday together.
We arrived at the hotel, checked in and duly went to our room. The room was great, it was big and a cool break from the sun. But, checking out the balcony overlooking the pool we were disappointed that there was a large tree right in front of the balcony, it's foliage completely blocking the view of the pool.

We went down to reception to ask if we could change rooms to one with a better view but alas, there were no more vacant rooms. Deciding that we could probably live with it then, we went out for the afternoon to explore the local area.

We were only out for a couple of hours and when we came back, walking through the pool area to get to our apartment, we saw a man with a very large handsaw cutting down a tree across the way.

We got back up to the room and found that it was the tree in front of our balcony they were cutting down our balcony was now bathed in warm sunshine and had a clear, uninterrupted view of the pool.

Say what you like abvout "Lanzagrotty", but the customer service and eagerness to please was impeccable.
(Mon 22nd Apr 2013, 15:01, More)

» Road Rage

I had a Renault 5 at the time.
I was driving home from work and was itching to put my foot down. You know, like you do sometimes. I just wanted to go fast.

I was behind a guy doing 55mph in a 60 zone so I thought; great I'll overtake and get it out of my system.

It was a fairly wide road and it had a very slight and long curve round to the right. "O.K., Go! I accelerated. Now, I was in a Renault 5 remember, Campus 1000cc to be exact (super dude, woo!), I gained slowly, but surely and pulled out to go past.

In the distance I see a car coming the other way and I'm struggling to get passed this guy. I'm too far to abort, but not quite fast enough to get back in lane in time. I'm now level with the guy I'm overtaking, and put my foot to the actual floor! My heart is pounding my chest like a child trapped in a toy box.

The car coming towards me starts flashing his lights, we're getting closer and closer at a combined speed of at least 120mph, then, as soon as my back end was inches in front of the guy I was overtaking, I darted in, and the opposing car whizzes by flashing and beeping the fuck out of his horn.

The 55mph guy, now behind me is also flashing me. Clearly pissed off that I just endangered his and the opposing driver's lives. But I don't care. I'm alive and THAT was an adrenaline rush!

I look up, "Shit. Road works". The light is green, "Please stay green, please stay green, please stay green". They change to red.

Now I have to sit and look at that guy behind me in my rear view mirror.

Trying to avoid looking in my mirror, I adjust my radio. "Knock, Knock".

"Fuck".

I wound down my window. He said "Nice driving back there."

I just smiled sheepishly.

"What's even better is that I'm an off-duty police officer, and I'm going to issue you a summons. Your number plate, F432 MBW isn't it? Right, cheers mate, have a nice day."

At this point I started shaking. I was actually in shock, and shitting my pants. I kept getting flashes of me standing in the dock being shouted at wigged barristers and the shame I would bring on my family.

The lights changed green and I drove away at about 40 miles an hour for the rest of the way home.

I dreaded the post every morning after that for about 6 weeks. Then I thought to myself, "Hang on, that guy didn't provide any I.D., he didn't give me any documentation, and he didn't record the incident, he's off duty, if he is a copper at all, and he was driving a shitty Peugeot 106. He just said that to scare the shit out of me..."

What a fucking lengthy canting bustard.
(Fri 13th Oct 2006, 12:46, More)

» "Well, that escalated quickly"

A work colleague and I were supposed to bring together a quantity of data into a report to be presented to the boss.
After a few days of procrastination and putting it off, the deadline fast approached and before we knew it, the presentation was in 15 minutes! Total panic ensued.

"What shall we do Timothy? What shall we DO?!" I said, shaking Timothy by the arm.

"We haven't brought together any of this data in any meaningful way for the presentation that is in 15 minutes because we have been procrastinating and putting it off! What fools we have been!" My heart was pumping at the thought of being fired there, on the spot.

"Don't worry", said Timothy, reassuringly.

"Let's collate it quickly".
(Thu 9th Jan 2014, 16:10, More)
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