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Escorts, bestcorts - Come in if you're saucy.

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» Made me laugh

My wife fucking hates Battlefield 3

and as my headphone and mic broke the other week, my mate suggested I wear a baseball cap or something to hold the whole thing together so we could chat.

I don't have a baseball cap, in fact the only hat like object I could find was a WW2 helmet I bought in Eastern Europe a few years ago. So I stuck that on and it managed to keep the headset in place.

My wife walked in took one look at me and basically said "Oh, for fuck's sake" and slammed the door behind her.
(Mon 10th Dec 2012, 3:35, More)

» Shops and Supermarkets

The Disabled.
The Safeways I used to work in when I was a teenager had this policy where the local intellectually disabled were sometimes hired to do odd jobs fill bags etc.

They hired a guy called 'John' who was a little slow, but a lovely bloke.

On the second day, he started hurling his own shit from his toilet cubicle into the next one.

When they went down into the aisles to find him, he pulled out his box cutter and slashed one of the grocery boys before pelting out of the store screaming that he'd lost his bible.

So that plan fucking worked then.
(Fri 11th May 2012, 4:21, More)

» Faking it

National Star.
I mate of mine used to work in a Bangkok advertising agency. One of the huge benefits of this was access to a rather large studio where fake business cards could be knocked up very easily.

Within a few weeks, my mate could claim to work for Vogue New York, (great for picking up girls) Rolling Stone (gig entry) and, the best one, Time Out London.

He worked out that by calling up any nightclub the day before he'd get free VIP entry - as the management wouldn't dare piss off a Time Out journalist.

Anyway, a huge nightclub was opening in Bangkok - massive. Royalty were there, celebs, models.

He turns up with his 'photographer' (a mate with a camera) and is instantly escorted to his own booth where bottles of Krug on ice are waiting. He polishes these off whilst watching his very own fire eater.

About three hours later, my very pissed mate is taken gently by the arm by the club's biggest bouncer. He thought he was about to get smashed to pieces in the back alley. He wasn't.

He was (unsteadily) escorted into a back room containing a guy with two microphones and headsets.

Guy: "And a new guest on the show tonight - all the way from London, Jonny from Time Out. Jonny - so what are Time Out doing over here then?"

My mate then has to give a twenty minute on-air live interview on Radio Thailand.

Class.
(Thu 10th Jul 2008, 23:23, More)

» Celebrities part II

Catherine Z.
There's an enormously famous female celebrity who started life on a British TV show. Let's just call her Catherine Z.

Anyway. Just before she became famous a mate of mine was on the crew of a low budget English movie she was making.

Obviously the whole crew had a crack at her, and she batted them off easily.

My mate (Leeds tattoos up his arm..) decided the best course of action was to totally ignore her.

It worked.

When the crew stopped filming for a break, she actually asked him to London with her for the weekend. He kept up the ignoring tactic by refusing, saying that 'he was going to a Leeds game.'

This intrigued her greatly.

When the film ended, they had a huge wrap party in a nightclub.

He got hammered.

She slid up to him and asked him to slow dance.

He said yes.

She nuzzled his neck.

Then, in his own words, he did two things he'll 'regret for the rest of his life.'

The first was to place to hands on her arse and squeeze.

When she backed off he said..

"Come on, you LOVE it."

Needless to say he went home alone.
(Mon 12th Oct 2009, 8:28, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

Caught by Mum. And then it all went wrong.
A mate of mine (we'll call him Nick) was living with his parents in the late eighties. 'Risky Business' was on TV. He recorded it.

At about two in the morning he crept down into the living room in his boxer shorts and quietly rewinded the VHS to that scene where Rebecca De Mornay gets her tits out in a subway.

He got going.

About a minute in, the door opened and his Mum walked in.

She took a look at her only son kneeling before a wobbly freeze frame of a topless woman reclining, his boxers concealing an obvious erection.

Then she said "Nick, what are you doing?"

There was a pause.

And then he came.

She took a look at the large growing stain on the front of his boxers and said "Nick, what's that?"

He left home about a day later.
(Mon 21st Feb 2011, 21:55, More)
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