» Common

What Lies Below
I was living out in the bush in the far north of Australia many years ago. You have seen movies set in this sort of place I am sure. Crocodile Dundee type stuff but toned down to reflect reality (I hope you have made the effort to track down the wonderful film Ten Canoes btw).

Anyway, one night I was drinking in a pub in a small town in the back end of nowhere. The majority of patrons were farmers and bushies and there were also a significant number of aborigines who had come in from their bush camps to get alcohol. In addition tourism was establishing itself as a local industry at the time and there were a few visitors from an American run tour group in attendance. There was one woman in this group of well-to-do tourists who was in her 50s, flashy smile, well structured, a bit sexy, some innate dignity. She was probably a lovely person in her natural habitat but she was over dressed for an outback pub and out of place. She had the designer khaki, the Timberland boots, the earrings and flashy pearl necklace, the expensive bush hat draped behind her; all together more posed than functional. But bless her – she was trying at least.

She might have been trying a bit too hard though. She wandered over to a high mileage, wizened, gap-toothed aboriginal elder who happened to be wearing around her neck a string of crocodile teeth laced with a leather thong. The visitor wasn’t trying to cause offence I am sure but she managed it anyway by saying ‘Oh, how lovely. Your people must value crocodile teeth as much as my people value pearls’. The aboriginal woman considered her for a moment then slowly shook her head and turned away saying scornfully ‘Any cunt can open an oyster’.
(Sat 18th Oct 2008, 6:27, More)

» My most treasured possession

Bit of a dilemma
The other halfs cooking: I dont treasure it, but I regularly rescue it from a fire.
(Fri 9th May 2008, 10:42, More)

» Bullies

Bullying is natural - all species do it.
Even sticky notes


(Wed 20th May 2009, 21:34, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

Uni Days
When I was at uni we had a visiting professor who gave a lecture on supernatural occurrences. Pretty interesting stuff.


First up, he asked "How many of you believe in ghosts?" and about a third of the people put their hand up. So then he said “How many of you think you have seen a ghost?”, and about 20 people put their hand up. He seemed pleased by this and he said "Ok, let’s go one step further: Who here has talked to a ghost?" About 5 people put their hand up. So he says “And how many of you have touched a ghost?” Only 2 people put their hand up this time. So he says “Ok, last question: How many of you have made love to a ghost?” And just one kid right at the back of the lecture theatre sticks his hand up.


Now the professor wasn’t expecting anyone to respond to that question and it threw him off balance. So he says “I’ve been giving this lecture of many years, and no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. Can you please come forward and share your experience”. So this kid comes walking all the way up to the front and stands at the podium, looking nervous and embarrassed. So the professor says “So, please, tell us all what it was like to make love with a ghost”. And the kid said “Er, bugger, from way back there I could have sworn you said goat”.
(Fri 4th Jul 2008, 10:34, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

Emil Minty
Online social networking gaffes be fucked. I can cock things up in the old fashioned way.

One of my worst was when I had a paper published in a reasonably respected journal and was invited to present at an international conference. I was young, this was the first academic paper I had ever written (beyond assignments), and it was, to be honest, a buzz. I was very nervous leading up to the event. I was due to present in the late afternoon and I had a sleepless night and a very uncomfortable day. I may have vomited, but that could be a false memory. I was shitting myself though. Anyway, my time came to present, I got up, I spoke well, I fielded the questions, I sat down. And once that was over I was on cloud nine. Teh win!1! I felt fucking great.

It was quite a ‘big deal’ this conference and that evening there was a harbour cruise for 150 or so dignitaries. As I was a presenter I got an invite. On the boat I quaffed a few happy juices and chatted and had a few more. I was on a huge natural high and in addition the tins were sliding down well. After a while I needed to empty my bladder so I made my way to the loo. As I was moving through the obstacles the Dean of my school, the highly respected person who had very recently secured a scholarship for me to do my Ph.D., caught my arm and manoeuvred me to his table. Seated at the table were half a dozen males and females I didn’t know, but they were obviously the Gods in this environment. The Dean presents me to this group and mentions my paper and lecture/speech. Nods all round. Then the Dean says what no person should say when introducing a nervous young man to a group of his significant betters... ‘Mime will know a good joke for us’.

Evidently these folk had been telling yarns and enjoying themselves, and now the pressure was on for me to amuse them. I hate that at the best of times, but it is dangerous when someone is half full of beer, half full of natural high, and young, naive and way out of their depth. Personally, I’m just not built to cope. I tried to do the right thing with ‘I can’t think of one’ but that was met with pretend jeers and mild scorn from this small group of folk who dream in algebra and invent new letters for the alphabet. So I feebly admitted that I did know one joke, but it wasn’t appropriate. It was my favourite joke at the time, and honestly it was the only joke I could think of. This small group, all well at the sunset of their esteemed careers, and probably (from the vantage point of many years of reflection) slightly tiddly, insisted I share it. In my defence I did say I didn’t want to tell any jokes, that the only joke I could recall was racist, very offensive and inappropriate, and I really just needed a pee. But they were insistent. I did warn them once more, but... So I started the joke, saying:

Do you remember the Mad Max films? Do you remember the third one; Beyond The Thunderdome? You know how Mel Gibson and Tina Turner star together? Well, apparently once the filming was finished there was a massive after-party and everyone drank too much. Later in the night Mel and Tina ended up in the same hotel room, and they made passionate love. Afterwards they are lying there gasping, sweat running off them, and Tina says ‘Mel, you are a fantastic lover. Please, let’s do that again’. Mel says ‘Tina, you are a wonderful lover too, so sexy and energetic. I’d love to do it again. But please understand I am getting on in years and I need some rest between sex sessions. And while I am asleep I want you to hold onto my penis with both hands’. Tina thinks this is very strange, but she is eager for another steamy session so she complies.

Might I add at this point... I did a visual audience check, and they are all engaged, eyes locked on, leaning forward, focused. I had not been swearing, I’d been keeping things in check, civilised even. So I proceed...

So Mel wakes up after his sleep and jumps back on Tina, and they have wonderful sex for a few hours. Fantastic sex, well timed, and perfectly intimate. And afterwards they are both lying there panting, and Tina says ‘Mel, you are a superb lover. Please, please, let’s do that again’. Mel says ‘Tina, you are a great lover too and I’d love to do it again. But please understand I am not as young as I used to be, and I need some rest between sex sessions. While I am asleep I want you to hold onto my penis with both hands’. Tina again thinks this is odd, but she does it anyway.

Once again I check the small audience of silver headed boffins. I think its going well, and I am on a roll now anyway.

After a while Mel awakens and they get back into it. This time the lovemaking is so intense and fiercely intimate that they are bruised at the end of it, strained and drained. They collapse in each others’ arms. Tina, trembling, mumbles ‘Oh Mel, that was the best sex I have ever had. Please, please... just once more’. Mel says ‘Ok Tina. I really enjoyed that too. I am keen for another session. But you know the drill... I need some rest, and while I am recuperating you have to hold my penis with both hands’.

Tina is really perplexed with this strange request so she says ‘Mel, you are without doubt the world’s best lover, and I understand you are getting a bit older and you need some rest between sex sessions, but I really don’t understand why I need to hold your penis with both hands while you are asleep. What is that all about?’

And Mel says ‘Well Tina, the last black bitch I fucked stole my wallet’



Tumbleweed.


I remember a voice in the grey audience saying, deadpan, ‘That’s not funny’

‘Sorry’ I said.

And went and had the pee I had set out to have.

Fucksocks.
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 12:14, More)