You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for Universon:
Profile Info:

none

Recent front page messages:


none

Best answers to questions:

» Messing with people's heads

Elmo
Is it really really unfair that when my 3 year old picks up the phone (and it's invariably cold-callers etc...) once they've gone, I start doing an Elmo impression from the other phone, and i've got her convinced that sometimes Elmo calls her up to sing the alphabet with her?
(Mon 16th Jan 2012, 12:22, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Massive Drugs
One winters night many years ago at Duke of Edinburgh award scheme (ok, I didn't actually do any of that stuff, but we did play no rules basketball for hours whilst there) I convinced a friend to try some drugs. Now, I didn't do drugs myself (alcohol not counted) but he regularly smoked weed, and so when I offered him some drugs he was bang up for it. I lead him out of the youth club, along the road, and into the secluded privacy of the local church graveyard.

I explained to him that the drug was cocaine, very very strong cocaine, because it was directly imported and not cut, but that they'd used the latest smuggling tricks to get it through customs undetected, and that they'd combined the cocaine with the 'mint' chemical out of toothpaste to confuse the sniffer dogs at the airports. I further explained how through the processes of chemical bonding and science that needed no explanation, the chemical component that produced the mint swell was chemically bonded to the pigmentation/colour component and so the resultant cocaine was now light green.

I proceeded to tell him that it was too strong to snort, and that he should take it orally, at which point I produced a coin bag' containing copious amounts of the drugs, holding it aloft in the graveyard by the light of the full moon, and telling him that i'd have to pour it for him as too much would result in a certain overdose. He agreed and held his mouth open, head back - at which point I poured about 3 tablespoons down his throat making him choke, then ran around going "oh my god, on no, oh god, help, oh no" while he went white as white can be and pretty much crumpled to the floor in fear.

OK, so having explained to him that it was in fact ground up clorets, he'd be fine, why did he think i'd be doing drugs, and why on earth would he let someone do that? It was worth the massively dead arm I got.
(Mon 16th Jan 2012, 12:15, More)

» Money-saving tips

Halloween... (one for the kids)
Have 2 or 3 costumes, make sure they all involve a mask (and different shoes etc...), follow your route, and then double back to the houses that gave the best stuff out wearing a different costume, having made notes of the numbers to revisit ;)
(Tue 15th Nov 2011, 15:45, More)

» Messing with people's heads

Americans can be slightly gullible
I once explained to a San Diegan/Diegian... that in the UK they have outlawed unlicensed fighting, and that up until recently there used to be underground fighting between children. I explained how animal fighting was also outlawed and had been for many years. HOWEVER I explained how there was a loophole, and nobody had written a law that prevented people from pitting their children (literally pitting them) against dogs in a fight....... and so often kids and cannines were to fight in pits out the back of pubs, predominantly in a land called Essex, and preferentially Ginger children, and the child was given just one stone/rock, and it had to bash the dogs skull in, and the dog had to choke the kid out mouth round throat for 2 full minutes for a victor to be declares...

"oh that's terrible"..........

Never understood why the person believed me
(Mon 16th Jan 2012, 12:18, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs


There's the old classic: "if I wanted your opnion i'd have given you it"

The shameful response to the homeless guy begging for change "sorry I only carry notes" (Yes I felt a little guilty, but it cracked us up)

The time a student tried to call me stupid by inferring the assignment i'd set and the group size they had to work in was "stupid", I simply said "well I wrote it, it's my idea so you must think i'm supid" and received "Yes, see you dont like it when we speak to you the way you speak to us" (given than i'm really very nice and polite this was weird) so the kid got flashed "i'm sorry but your opinion doesn't matter to me so isn't important enough for me not to like" (he stormed out, and later wrote an apology)

but the classic, all time favourite is the responsibility of the wife.

Upon leaving work I called my wife, deciding to inform her that I would be stopping in the local watering hole for refreshment on the way home as I had arranged to meet someone there with whom I needed to discuss some business or other. She replied "You're not going for a drink" and I firmly let her know that I was. Upon reaching home she accused me of "only drinking that can of beer to cover up the fact you've been in the pub" I replied that this was not the case and she exclaimed her pleasant surprise that I had not been in the bar. I replied "No, you missunderstand, I went in the bar, and then I fancied a can as I walked up the hill, i'm just not hiding it"..... so the next night I phone her to let her know i'm setting off for home, only to receive the rude response "you're not going for a drink tonight".... now anybody who knows anything about men, particularly in relation to something a woman says, and particularly in relation to it being uncalled for and unprovoked, and particularly in relation to something that if they think about it, they want it (cue... no sex, no chips, no sports, no drink...) and have ever heard of reverse psychology, will tell you that no matter how much a man might not want a drink, or might have not thought of having a drink, you've just mentioned drink (WANT/NEED) and told him he can't do it (YOU CANT TELL ME ANYTHING AND ILL SHOW YOU)... obviously I declared that I was not going for a drink, and thanks for suggesting it. Her last gambit was "if i smell beer on your breath when you get home then i'm not speaking to you".........

"Brilliant, a pint and some peace and quiet".........

Sorry, but you cannot, cannot, cannot say that to a man!

pint and some peace and quiet
(Fri 25th Nov 2011, 11:15, More)
[read all their answers]