» Evil Pranks

Banana torture
My best mate dislikes bananas. No, scratch that, he absolutely hates them.
He doesnt like the look of them, the smell, the tease the feel....you get the picture. Apparently he has always and will always hate them.

He told me once that he refuses to touch them. So to test his hatred I would place bananas on his keyboard, and he would shout at me until I removed them.

Sensing that I could take things further, I would then put a banana on his chair, and watch him use objects to remove it.

I had to go the extra mile, so after being dared by two other workmates, I put a banana in each of his coat pockets, and one in each of his coat sleeves, while he was out of the room.

The horrified look on his face and the tirade of swear words was well worth it.
(Mon 17th Dec 2007, 23:02, More)

» My first experience of porn

Sleepover at a mate's house.
It was my best mate's birthday (he must have been 11-ish). He invited a few people from school to his house to sleep over and watch films.

Hell, he even invited girls!

There were about 10 of us (including 3 girls), who all stayed up well past our bed times to watch Dumb & Dumber, followed by Dawn of the Dead. We had play fights, and zipped the girls up in their sleeping bags so they couldnt get out, y'know, just had a laugh.

Anyway, I digress.

One of the lads had an older brother....can you guess where this is going?
Yep, he stole one of his brother's pron mags. I dont know the name of the magazine, cos there was no front cover. And if I remember rightly, a few of the pages couldn't be opened. Ahh, the innocence of childhood.

Us lads were all 'reading' through the magazine while the girlies went and got a drink.

None of us knew that women had hair 'down there', so when the girls got back the friend who brought the pron asked the girls "Why do you have bushes inbetween your legs?"

The girls didnt have a clue what was going on, so this friend stripped and said, "I dont have any hair between my legs, why do you?"

There was a bit of screaming and pointing from the girls, while the rest of us turned away, distgusted.

So, while this friend slept, we got a bowl of cold water, stuck his fingers in it, and made him piss himself. That'll teach him for waving his cock around.

Then the birthday boy stole the pron. Must have wanted it as a birthday present.

Happy days.
(Sat 27th Jan 2007, 12:32, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Cats + Laser pens = hilarity
Cats love laser pens. The little buggers will chase that little red dot for hours.
They will follow it everywhere...and I do mean everywhere.

We have floor length windows in our front room. Me being me, I would draw the curtains, and have little beast 1 and 2 chase the laser dot for a bit, before aiming it at the window.
I thought that they would have the spatial awareness to realise that the wide open spaces end at the curtains, but no, they would run headfirst into the window. Again. And again. And again.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 22:49, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Midgets/Dwarves/Little People
My best mate's girlfriend is petrified by midgets/dwarves/little people (I dont know which title they prefer).

She freaks out whenever she sees one on tv. When we asked her what was the worst film she'd ever seen, she replied with "Willow. Eugh".

We went to see Jackass 2 at the cinema when it came out. Every time Wee Man came on screen she cringed and turned away. Then there was a scene where Wee Man ran off-screen, only to return a few seconds later, being chased by about 50 Indian midgets/etc/etc. The look on her face was priceless!
(Sat 24th Feb 2007, 17:26, More)

» Shoplifting

Genius Pikey
The following happened whilst I was under the employ of Woolworths plc.
I worked on the entertainment desk, and experienced a lot of pikey scum trying their best to obtain refunds on cds etc that they "hadn't used, honestly mate" despite the finger prints in jam on the back of the disc! (seriously!)

The story I want to tell is of a rather inconspicuous pikey who bought an XBOX console. I wasnt serving on the tills when this happened, but was on the shop floor on security duties (oooh, get me and my power trip!)
He paid for it with cash, which was checked with UV lights etc to make sure it was real etc, and all was well and good.

The guy left the shop with his new toy and was gone a mere 3 hours before returning it to the shop. He wanted a refund on his console because he had apparently bought a duplicate (wouldnt you check that you already had a £300 console before going out to buy another one??)
Anyways, pikeyman was being served by a Saturday girl who was very nice and trusting, and gave him his refund.

It was only afterwards that a regular member of staff decided to check the console box, and found that it was full of bricks....
(Tue 15th Jan 2008, 19:23, More)