» Puns

I went for an Indian takeaway last night....

I asked the guy at the counter what he'd recommend, and he suggested Number 42 - a 'chicken tarka'.

Confused, I paused for a moment. "Surely you mean a 'chiken tikka'?"

The Indian gent shrugged, and replied - "Well, it's like a tikka - but a little otter."
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 17:18, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Cheesy wotsits
My good Martin friend and I, having taken a year out of university to write a computer game, were holed up in my gran's (empty) house for ten days. My washing regime lapsed a little, I'll admit - but not so badly as Martin's, who (unbeknownst to me) had singularly failed to wash, or remove his pants and t-shirt for over a week, even to sleep.

Day nine was much the same as any other, both sat at our respective screens - until a strangely-contemplative look flittered over Martin's face, as if he'd had one of those 'eureka' moments - then he reached down, rubbed briefly at his crotch, sniffed his fingers, and declared - with a tone in his voice I can only describe as pride -

"I can smell my pants through my jeans."

I made him shower.
(Tue 27th Mar 2007, 15:57, More)

» * PFFT *

Justice.
On of my mates from t'pub is constantly guffing away; loud, noxious, and uniquely tenacious. And he loves it; he laughs loudly as the poor unfortunates caught in the drop zone gag in horror and run for air. Naturally, he stays to enjoy his offering, sucking it down as if it were the finest perfume known to man.

So, I have developed a habit of, whenever possible, following one of his with a sneaky SBD. I derive a great deal of pleasure from watching the dirty sod willingly hoof back huge lungfuls of my flatus.

That'll learn 'im.
(Wed 18th Jul 2007, 16:48, More)

» IT Support

Autocomplete and user assist history


...are best disabled if you're finishing up your teacher training, are on placement in a primary school, and have a laptop filled with neatly-categorized and extremely deviant porn.

For if your friendly techie starts typing something in the 'run' box, and it autocompletes to a directory devoted to people raping dogs, you may find yourself kicked in the nuts, kicked off your course, and wondering what to try for your next career.

(nb: I was the techie, not the student teacher)
(Sun 27th Sep 2009, 22:34, More)

» Childhood Ambitions

er...
I always wanted to bone Cheetara - but having investigated the matter, it seems like the closest thing to a freaky cat/woman hybrid on the market is Jocelyn Wildenstein.

I'll think I'll pass.

I suppose there's always Sophie Ellis Bextor... but she might start singing, and I'm not prepared to take that risk.



EDIT: This wobbly net-tard just cured me of the idea entirely. Ughh.
(Sat 31st Mar 2007, 12:42, More)