» Kids

A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kid a treat.
New fathers have it bad: no sleep, no nookie. But I was determined to get my wife back in the mood, getting pretty intimate with her one night, when our month-old started wailing.
"I'll deal with him," I offered manfully, going to his room and trying my usual trick, which was to pick him up and let him suck one of my fingers. It seemed to work better than usual, the little guy slurping with relish, and moving on from my index to ring finger with gusto. It was then that I realised that the flavour he so enjoyed may be related to the fact that I hadn't washed my hands...
And that is how my month-old son supped on his mother's pussy juice.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 7:36, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

Not me
because I have more sense than to sign up for the horror of facebook. But this happened to my nice colleague (MNC) and her dumb-fuck Belgian boyfriend (HDFBB).

MNC's facebook profile says she is "in a relationship" with HDFBB.

HDFBB emails her. "How dare you reveal this to the world? This is an invasion of my privacy. Blah Belgian blah."

MNC changes her profile. Facebook now reads: "MNC is no longer in a relationship with HDFBB."

Cue immediate email from HDFBB: "How dare you dump me on facebook, you bitch?"

They are no longer together. So perhaps facebook is good after all.
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 6:57, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Lots
I've been in Rwanda, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Somalia and recently in the Rift Valley of Kenya so seen plenty. Not only through violence, also commonplace on the roads throughout Africa. To be honest after the first few it doesn't shock any more, though no matter how complacent you get, a kid's body always fucks you up.
Anyway as anyone will tell you the things about decomposing bodies is not the sight (after a few days they look more like one of those peat bog cavemen, strangely inoffensive), but the smell. I reckon now my nose is so fine-tuned I could stand in for that dog in Jersey.
Last year I was in a garden party in Sarf London, near Clapham Junction, and I swore I could smell a corpse. No-one else could, some mocked me and said it was drains or that I was too pissed. Two frigging months later workmen on the railway track at the back of the house found a suicide, been there about a year. Cheers, Network Rail.
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 12:56, More)

» Pet Stories

I've found your cat
Me and my brother were 10 and 8 and we loved our cat. One day it went missing and we went round the whole neighbourhood looking for it. After two days we photocopied leaflets offering a 5 quid reward and knocked on all the doors in the area. That night we got a phone call. "I've found your cat. Can you come round and get it?"
We were so excited. Went to this creepy old man's house. "It's in the garage," said he, opening the garage door. We looked around expecting to see the cat run out to greet us but we couldn't see it.
"I'll give you a bin bag to take it away in," continued the old man. That's when we saw the cat. Dead. Stiff as a brush. In a bucket.
The old guy even took our fiver until our Dad went round and threatened to give him the bucket treatment himself.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 12:03, More)

» Accidental innuendo

English Period Rim Locks
Does anyone else get this Google ad at the top of this page? Presumably picking up on the word knockers. How appropriate.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 11:44, More)