» Accidental animal cruelty

George the stoned budgie
was fab, and even though this was a sad day of semi abuse (he did it to himself really...just helped along a bit..
Apologies for length already.
George was a lovely happy chirpy little blue budgie who shared a lounge with 11 or so of us students back in 1999 in worthing(shithole).
He loved being out of his cage and would talk and chirrup or whatever it is budgies do, all day long and NEVER crapped on anyone other than his mirror enemy.
What he did like to do was inhale large amounts of weed and then get so caned he couldnt flap and just walked around on the floor.
the next stage, ie pre flight but just about able to get a bit of lift, was to hop/flutter up and sit on your can/glass and sip daintily to get rid of desert head or dry beak as he used to call it.
This usually led to him having to be carried to his cage pissed/stoned.
One day i was in the lounge on my own and george was flapping around bleeping and furtling away happily. He tried to sit on my roll up so i shooed him off so i could light up and read my book.
George then disappeared from view. No worries thought I.
Next thing i heard was a muffled blubble bubble bubble noise. I didnt know what it was so looked around. Nothing. then it came again, from near my feet. I looked down and there, in my near empty pint pot was George, headfirst and upside down in my beer.
The little blue pisshead had tried to go for a drink and was upside down like a modern feathery Houdini.. except he was drowning
shitting it i pulled him out just as my mate Ade ran in.
George rattled his little lungs and smelt like a beer rag...

all we could thing to do was to try and save him the only way we knew how...Mouth to Beak!
I covered his nose holes and held him while Ade gently blew into his little body...unfortunately inflating him to about 3 times his normal size...for good measure (and nervously pissing ourselves) we flexed his wings to try and pump beer out.

to no avail.

Last thing we could do was to rely on the old ''well hamsters pretend to be dead, so maybe budgies do. Lets leave him in his cage and see what happens''...as rigor mortis ensued.

Not really cruelty i guess but hey!
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 14:54, More)

» Work Experience

Work Experiance Feacal Explosion
Not my work Experiance, our school didn't do it for some reason.
This is what happened to my brothers now wife known as Sally (t'was her name blah blah length? etc)
Sally had WE in the Faecal Sample and Testing dept of a famous cancer hospital in the north west of england, where samples of poo from people with and without cancer's were stored, labelled, tested, cultured and so on. all the things you can do with poo were done there, strictly for medical experimentation of course.
The dept was based in the celler/basement and had a very large refridgeration unit for keeping the brown trouts in pre and post poke/smear and was pretty much state of the art.
Sally enjoyed this WE, it was interesting and not really smelly (according to her anyway).
Where does the horror come in?

Well, this was a very hot summer and when combined over a weekend with a major power failure at the hospital and the breakdown of the poo depts backup generator which was not spotted due to a disaster recovery system failure, you can imagine the fridge on the monday morning.

If you cant let me paint a (rather brown) picture. Several thousand tubs of poo & cultures etc all heating up to around 80-90 degrees. Each tub has a sealed lid.
Each sample had methane and other gases....

The walls were brown..Guess who had to clean this?

Yep, WE girl!

Apologies about length.. bollocks not really
;-)
(Fri 11th May 2007, 11:10, More)

» Evil Pranks

French Student Abuse
He should be known as Fred (it was hi..blah blah etc) and we knew him at Manchester Met.
Fred was a great guy but also a pain in the arse: messy, smelly (en francais, d'accord), got the hot chicks (usually outside the pub, next to the dumpster)and played bad French D&B whilst passing out with his room door locked.

When he woke he tended to wreck houses, but first he would always ALWAYS begin the day by wandering into the kitchen scratching his nads, and then take biiiiiig swig from the 2 litre bottle of ricard..because he was soooo rock n roll.

Revenge was fourfold.

# 1/ His first curry in rusholme. fred had never eaten curry, he mistakenly says '' ah laik food with the pepperrr''

That would be a vindaloo, extra piquant Mr giggling waiter.

Result: ''You fuggink bastads ow ow my face is burnink''

#2/ same night five minutes later. ''Wat arre the Green things in your curry Mr Markov?''
They are French beans and are loverly, want some to calm your burning?
''Daccord, yes please''

Unfortunately they were the hottest green chillies....more ''you fuggin bastads etc''

#3/ Broke into his room while he was passed out and glued/stapled etc everything to the ceiling (cupboards, pc, books etc) then got all his cans and food waste and attached that by strings at head height to the ceiling.

#4/ following on from no 3 on the same morning a spare bottle of Ricard was found and filled with chip pan oil. Thru the green glass it looked like ricard.

Fred wakes up and crashes into all kinds of insane upside down shit, swears a lot in French then comes out all gallic insouciance and walks to the kitchen where everyone is sniggering... and takes a biiiiiiig swig of rock n roll chipfat.

He loved us
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 11:07, More)

» Pet Stories

Pet Insanity
Had quite a few mad pets over the year (current maddest pet award is a close fight between three cats an my brother in law)

Combat Cat was green, literally green and appeared to be made out of muscle and elastic. He was also a talking cat, always asking you stuff in catese and seemingly getting the right answers as he didnt get stroppy and was not a bad cat.
During the week he worked out when i came home from college and would meet me from the bus and walk home bleeping and chunnering away to me. This made more impressive by him walking jauntily along a half mile of high street each time to greet the bus.
His best trick was violence related.
He had two neuterd cat friends, both fat tabbies whos names escape me but who both would come and play with him in our garden.
Combat cat would slink off and hide (in plain view to us, but not to them) in some Lucifer greenery. They would be wandering around thinking ''where has our green friend gone, he was here before but now he has disappeared!! I am worried'' etc etc ... all the while, Combat Cat would be wiggling his bum more and more getting super excited .. until after about 10 minutes he would leap out at them at high speed and belt them both round the ears before diving (again in plan view) into anopther bit of greenery. He would keep this up for an hour or more.
He was flattened by a car, possibly while trying to shag it and make some kind of Transformer Cat child.

Current mad cat is Crowley, he is part bengal and whilst pretending to be a complete Toff, clearly is as insane as Mad Jack Mc Mad whos occupation is listed as 'madman'.

He follows us to the park, the shops in fact anywhere a bit like Monkey on weebl and Bob.
Everything is fair game to him, bits of paper, rugs, walls, other animals, paper boys and postmen. But his best attribute is the attitude he exudes. Nothing bothers him at all, its all a big game or adventure. Even a massive bull mastiff didnt phase him, he just stared at it, walked towards and then rolled around in the dust a foot away from where its owner was holding it. He even let the dog smell his arse! (more than likely cracking one off in his face as Crowley is master of meaty guffs)

Pets are ace
(Wed 13th Jun 2007, 14:22, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Boiled cheese and ammonia
My Bro in law (same as in the weird eater QOTW).
His room smells like boiled cheese...odd in that he doesn't eat cheese AND he washes almost obsessively.
He does consume vast quantities of milk (as in a gallon a day) and doesn't tidy up his room unless we are there with our cattleprods ($22 plus p&p on ebay, for real!)
This means lots of slimy glasses of milk hidden around and under stuff combined with him rarely washing his clothes and collecting cat puke (really)
So really we aren't that suprised.

One day though we will be shocked as he suddenly transforms in to the pillar of society blah blah blah (or has a fragrant room)

Work wise, someone in the nearest gents to my office release urine so odious and high in ammonia content that my eyes watered, my skin became hot and I had to about turn and run to the nearest toilet to splash my face .. with water.

Was nice!
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 13:40, More)