» Cross Dressing

a uni story.... (/unlurk)
aren't they all?

way back in my second year of uni, the friday night union party ran themes, and one week the theme was cross dressing. given that i'd done every theme that term, i wasnt about to shirk now, depsite being a chunky, hairy sort who should never been seen in a skirt.

i'll set the picture... the world's shortest white rar-ra skirt, and a top several sizes too small. unshaved legs, and topped off with trainers, in a look lily allen has since stolen. one wig and a bit of lippy later, i was a confirmed "15 pinter" according to all my mates.

ok, so blokes didnt go for me, but girls sure as hell did... all night i couldn't keep random ladies hands off me, much to the disdain of the then-girlfriend, and much to my own surprise (female attention not being something i'm known for).

one girl was particularly attentive, not that i minded, she was very cute.. however she went too far and started trying to unzip my skirt while i was queueing for the bar, and in a moment of sudden clarity that i'm incredibly proud of given a) my drunken state and b) the quality of the line, i turned to her and said

"i'm sorry, i'm just not that kind of girl"

her disappointment was palpable.
(Tue 20th Mar 2007, 10:52, More)

» Personal Hygiene

an old girlfriend...
was less than brilliant on this front, but i was young and wrapped up in her so i tried to be subtle. "i'll make breakfast... you relax and have a nice shower.", "tough day.... let me run you a bath" etc etc. none of it seemed to work.

what did work was having 11 pints of lager and venting my spleen at her about it for 10 minutes*. after she started talking to me again, all was well. until she turned into a maniac some time later, but that's another QOTW


*my memory of this is somewhat hazy, but i'm told i was harsh.. if you call "fking smelly bitch" harsh...
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 13:08, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Yate
Yate is near Bristol, and suffers terribly from edge-of-city syndrome - it has nothing of any real note socially speaking, because everyone goes into bristol for nights out etc, meaning that the teens who cannot afford this hang around on street corners drinking cider, fighting and mating. The best Yate has to offer is a branch of Rileys, the pool-and-drunken-chavfights chain.

To clarify my opinions on Yate, you have to understand that i was born in Bridgwater, and even i think Yate is a shithole...

The town as a whole is spectacularly like the greenroom of an episode of Jeremy Kyle. Once while acquiring lunch, a colleague of mine (we work in nearby Chipping Sodbury, which is pleasant in a posh-but-deliverance kind of way) overheard one of the local females telling another

"ere, 'is cock was so big i was gonna stop and text you!"
(Fri 30th Oct 2009, 22:42, More)

» Cheap Tat

several years ago...
several years ago while on a leo, myself and three friends, nicely pissed at 3 in the afternoon decided to partake of gloucester road (bristol)'s many pound shops. each of us was to spend a pound and buy an item that was as little use as possible for the night of shenanigans planned.

my three associates and i retired to the flyer to compare purchases. the pot of toy gunge drew some admiring glances, and the european travel adapter plug reached an impressive level of uselessness, but the crowning glory.... the true piece of magnificent awfulness, was my saucepan. completely useless on a night out, but also, due to the fact that the handle was heavier than the base, meaning that it was not capable of standing correctly, completely useless for its intended function. we left the items on a table* and went on our merry way, all of us feeling a little more complete for the experience.


length? if the handle had been shorter, the pan might have been useful.




*if you found a small saucepan, with a travel plug in it, in the bristol flyer about 3 years ago, that was probably mine
(Fri 4th Jan 2008, 22:26, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

ever had sex with a wooden board?
cos i reckon i know roughly what it was like.

ladies, lying flat still and demanding "harder" the whole time while providing absolutely NO encouragement whatsoever isn't helping anyone.

furthermore, me saying i like something does not mean "do it every single time until i tell you to stop, at which point you burst into tears"


virgins - avoid them.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 10:45, More)