» Accidental animal cruelty

I have teargassed a dog, only to find...
Whilst living in a former communist country -I will not name it to protect myself-, I was wandering back home to my flat in the suburbs of Warsaw (oh dear) on a very foggy night. Should you know Warsaw, you may remember the large private car parks patrolled by insatiable alsatians and fat thuggish security guards. And the unbelievable Russian Market where you may, some say, buy guns. I played safe and bought a couple of little cans of tear gas.
Anyhoo, I was merrily drunk and had, in my pocket, my CS gas just in case any trouble came my way. Which it did, with a bark and a mad scampering of claws on the tarmac of the car park right next to me. "Oh crikey, here comes a bloody mauling" I think, and whip out the teargas.

It went like this -
1. Lock onto the sound of the approaching fangs of death in the murk
2. See the wild-eyed hound about four metres away
3. Spray gas at the fucker
4. Feel great about the skidding, yelping and now fully humbled guard dog now running very quickly away from me
5. Notice for the first time the massive chainlink fence running the whole length of the car park
6. Feel pretty bad for unnecessarily gassing a dog
7. Home for a guilty chuckle (that is not a euphemism)

Cruel to an over-enthusiastic guard dog? Teaching the irritating barky thing a lesson? Cutting short a promising guarding career and sending it straight to the Retirement Homeski for Polski Dogs?
I no longer mind...

My length is metric. My ability is imperial.
(Sun 9th Dec 2007, 6:33, More)

» Evil Pranks

If you work in fast food, know your lemons
I have served my time in Little Chef hell, but I left with the safe knowledge that if you...
slice a lemon in half, shove the wet side onto the ceiling so it sticks, and time it right, you can leave the kitchen just as someone else walks in... only to hear a surprised yelp when it falls onto their stupid paper hat.
OK, it was funnier when I was 15... and hardly evil then.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 21:49, More)

» Evil Pranks

I wee'd myself for many years apparently
So as it happened to me I shall tell it from someone else's perspective...

Janskys was a brilliant chap: great to be around and a cool friend. We had finished Sixth Form and were at the Sandy Balls holiday camp in the New Forest for a weekend of beer and stuff.

While Janskys is great, he did used to get plastered and pass out. Lots. Never one to remember that he had his eyebrow removed when he was unconscious after a different party, he promptly passed out after a game of drunken cards.

He woke up with very soggy jeans and The Fear that he had wet himself... we all pretended to know nothing and he went quietly mental.

Four years passed and one of our group let it slip to Janskys that we had tried the old warm bowl of water - put a passed-out drunkard's hand in the water and it should make them wee themselves - but it had not worked: we simply tipped the water over his groin.

Four years of thinking the worst can do a lot to some people, but apparently Janskys got used to doing daft things while horribly drunk so he wasn't too miffed. We, on the other hand, were really sad and laughed lots about it. Probably.

We should all learn to grow up more and sort out our awfully dull lives - I'm sure Janskys is still a great guy and doing much much better than we could all imagine. And I bet he's not at all bitter.

[this is as long as it gets]
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 20:37, More)

» Evil Pranks

Pants up a flagpole
A friend worked in a boarding school as a boarding master. It was his birthday, and another teacher broke into his room via the window and stole a minging pair of boxers, as it was the other guy's birthday the next day.
The next day, at breakfast (with the 100-or-so boarding boys), lots was made of obscure pants-related jokes. Said birthday boy was not switched on. He was rather and completely unaware of the hints coming his way.

Until 11am, when the attached nursery school had started, all the pupils and staff of the school had turned up and the day was two lessons' old - then he was told in no uncertain terms that his pants were up the flagpole, and had been since the previous night. And everyone else in the known world knew and had been having a rum old laugh, including the head teacher.

Length? The caretakers had to take the whole pole down as the doofus mate had forgotten to keep one end of the string near ground level and has just tied the boxers to one end of the string, so the cretakers found out that the pole was 6m 50cm (perhaps less in the cold). It was more embarrasing than evil - and particularly 'old school' (ba-dum-tish, and *gets coat*).
Cheerio.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 21:44, More)

» * PFFT *

I blame the kids
I used to teach English in Poland and private lessons (round a kid's house) were a nice littel earner.
So I had a dining room table of four very personable 10-yr-olds and their fussy mum was in the background, fussing away.
The lesson nears the end and I guff silently. Got away with it as my humourous personality draws their attention away from them making eye contact with each other and they didn't really notice. They like me and I'm funny, so I'd probably be a star to them for doing it anyway.
So I chuff again and this time its more of a rotting smell than before and the mum is quickly at the table to grill the young chaps on who exactly needs to go to the toilet and who couldn't wait until the nice teacher had left.
They knew it was me. They didn't tell the mum, but they got more and more embarrased until one of them started crying and the others just stared at the floor. The appropriate pause, where I should have owned up, came and went and I just looked bemused and pretended I couldn't quite understand the conversation. Fussy Mum decided the lesson was over, gave me my beer tokens for that night and I left some traumatised little 'uns behind and went to sink some strong lager.
So Kuba, Michal, Lukasz and the other one - I'm sorry I made Fussy Mum think you'd pooed yourself and thanks for taking the bullet. Plus, I'm still impressed that one of your dad's flew the Pope around in a helicopter for a bit; it was a good story for a 10-yr-old to be able to boast about in English.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 21:08, More)