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» Morning After Souvenirs

Rotten hangover the next day as expected,
after a very drunken night ending in a good and proper night of raunchy sexy time with a woman I'd fancied for a while. The headache was to be expected, but what I couldn't understand was the slight buzz in my head. Jumping in the shower I found that somehow during the night of passion her nicotine patch had become attached to me, and being a non-smoker I was getting a full dose of an extra strong nicotine patch. Meanwhile, she was equally badly hung over and craving a fag something rotten.
(Thu 26th Apr 2012, 20:22, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Where milk comes from.
Many years ago I worked at Croxteth Country Park, on the edge of Liverpool. Within the park was the old Home Farm which was open to the public, and schools would have guided tours. One such local school got the full tour which included seeing the calves being fed milk from buckets, and then some calves suckling from their mothers. Elsewhere on the tour was the milking parlour where by a system of vacuum pipes milk was sucked from the cows' udders and collected in large glass vessels.

One local scally put two and two together i.e. calves sucking milk from udders and the milking machine. He remarked "Dat's clever dat is la. They used that machine to put milk into the big cows so the baby cows can drink the milk".

Other frequent ignorance included the a complete lack of understanding that meat came from animals, and not Tesco. Sad really.
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 17:13, More)

» Brain Fade

Calendars
I had a printed copy of my work calendar stuck on the wall to the right of my monitor. For several minutes I tried in vain to move the cursor off my monitor and on to the printed copy so I could click on it and make a new appointment. I assumed it was a fault with the computer, so switched it off and on again, only then did I realise my stupidity.
(Thu 21st Mar 2013, 13:31, More)

» LOL Bigots

Shoe polish
Mrs Catapult is American, and despite developing some Yorkshire pronunciation over the past ten years, is still very obviously American when she speaks. She had several pairs of shoes which needed a really decent polish and tidy up, and in New York the local cobbler will do that. So, she potters into town to the cobbler, and asks in her cheery american accent if the cobbler could polish three pairs of shoes. "You're not in America now love, we don't have niggers to do that". Gobsmacked she turned and left, her jaw on the floor all the way home, and for the first time ever completely speechless.
(Thu 21st Feb 2013, 21:59, More)

» Celebrity Encounters III

Prince Edward
A friend of mine was at Jesus College Cambridge, I was at a Polytechnic in London but used to go and stay with my mate because he had a better social life than I did. My mate was captain of the rugby team that Prince Edward was in, and one week Eddy had been knocked out during a game and my mate had carried him off the pitch. The following week I went to stay with my mate, and we went to get something to eat in the college. I had a girlfriend at the time who had a cat that I hated, and I was telling an expletive-laden and wildly embellished story about how the filthy vile creature had shat diarrhoea on the duvet, and had then tried to bury it; flicking liquid cat shit all over the bedroom. I was aware of being poked in the ribs by my mate, and looking up from my meal found myself face to face with a slack-jawed prince, a slice of roast beef dripping with gravy hovering from his open mouth. He didn't appear to have the appetite to eat it.
(Thu 5th Dec 2013, 16:11, More)
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