» Tales of the Unexplained

That's no dog it's a...
Some years ago when me and my mate were about 15 we had got hold of some ciggies, and some fireworks in the form of bangers.

We made our way down to a railway crossing (I know what you're thinking; stupid twunts playing on the railway track, but it was actually a set of steps leading to the track that was to be our hang out for the evening).

We sat on the steps smoking, throwing the occasional banger into the undergrowth or putting a banger into an empty can.

It got to about 9pm and we'd run out of bangers and it was getting rather cold (being November and all) so we crossed the tracks carefully and started to climb the 1st couple of steps on the other side when we saw something moving towards us...

It was big, black and moved silently despite the fact it was walking on the loose stones they always have on railways.
A dog we said to ourselves and stood and watched as it came closer, but still it made no sound...
At this point in the low light we were getting quite spooked at how such a large dog could move so silently along loose stones so we decide to shed some light on the situation.

We had 2 lighters which we'd both adjusted so the flames were about 3 inches high when lit (mind your eyebrows) and we figured that animals have a fear of fire so this was a good idea all round - we'd get to see what it was then it would run away...

So we both ignite our lighters and it's suddenly very clear that the big black dog approching us is NOT a dog... It's face was perfectly feline and it's tail suddenly swooshed in a way no dog can.

My mate: "That's no dog! It's a..."
Me: "A bloody big cat!"
My mate: "We should run!"
Me: "A panther"
Me: "Thought they were scared of fire?"
Me, realising my mate has legged it I say one word to the panther: "Stay"

As far as I know the panther did stay, at least for long enough for me to make my escape. We got back to my parents house and locked the door firmly behind us.

Some people believed us, others laughed it off. Then 2 months later there were more sightings including one that was in the local rag - the vicars daughter that lived in the house opposite had seen the panther walking down the street, her and a couple of friends.

If I ever go over that railway crossing I still get the creeps now, more than 10 years later

What did I learn? Panthers are not afraid of lighters...
(Fri 4th Jul 2008, 11:14, More)

» Tramps

"I curse you!!!"
Last year on a stag do in Dublin on the day we were leaving, we were walking over the Millenium Bridge when a tramp spoke to one of our party, John:

Tramp: "Have you got any spare change?"
John: "No, sorry"
Tramp: "None at all?" *holding out paper cup*
John: "I've only got enough for my breakfast"
Tramp: "I curse you!!! You have been cursed by me! I curse you!"
John: "Ok..?."

Fast forward a couple of hours and where crossing from Dublin to Holyhead on a seacat type vessel and it's really quite choppy. Nothing too unusaul there, but a couple of the seasick feeling in our group start to blame John on account of the tramp cursing him.

Back on dry land we caught our train out from Holyhead and as we pull into Bodorgan "station" the train comes to a halt... and doesn't move again for 3 hours!
It didn't take long for us to realise the cause of the breakdown - the curse the tramp put on John.

Now this curse had further consequences, one was that it seemed to cause another one of my mates Wayne to have excess wind (nothing to do with all the Guinness I'm sure). So we're stuck on a train for (an extra) 3 hours, the whole time Wayne (it's always a Wayne) is expelling noxious gasses into the confined environment.
One 'lady' on the train takes objection to Wayne lacing the air with the warning signs of what must be an imminent bowel movement:

Lady: "You make me sick you fucking animal"
Wayne: *rabbit in headlights*
Lady: "You fucking neanderthal. There are fucking kids on this fucking train don't you fucking realise!?!"
Wayne: "Calm down"
Lady: "You fucking disgusting pig. Just stop fucking farting, we're all stuck here and we have to breathe in your stinking fucking shit. And there's fucking kids on this fucking train."

Though I agreed with most of her arguements, I'm in no doubt that the "fucking kids on the fucking train" learn't a new fucking word that day.

So beware, a tramps curse is powerful enough to cross the sea and disable a train
(Fri 3rd Jul 2009, 11:33, More)

» Common

Pigeon Chavs
Me and Mrs. Bad_Dogg moved into our house nearly two years ago and the it was a nice quiet neighbourhood.

We live in an old picturesque terraced cottage with a quiet old lady on the one side and a pigeon fancying family on the other.

I get home one day minding my own business when I hear a blazing row between the mother and the 18 year old daughter. It soon becomes clear that she's pregnant (the daughter). Much arguing insues with liberal uses of the 'F' word.

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, the parents move out and leave the daughter and her chap to live in the house which is for sale. Now these 2 can argue, every other word is f*ck, and they've got more dogs than the RSPCA. Sometimes the arguement will spill out onto the street with him storming off saying f*cking this, f*cking that and her shreiking something you can't understand. Some days he'll say something classy like he'd f*cking hit her if she wasn't f*cking pregnant.

Now these 2 are what I call common!

We keep hoping someone will buy their house, but it's an overpriced sh*t-tip that will never sell, let alone in the current climate.

Other things I consider common are:
- Bacardi Breezers
- Ford Focus (Fords in general really)
- Staffordshire Bull Terriers

I'm getting quite snobby in my old age ;)
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 10:31, More)

» Phobias

The House Spiders...
Spiders, or more precisely the "House Spider" (Google it for images of the beasties).

Before me and the other half got our house we used to spend a lot of nights at her parents house out in the sticks

One night while falling asleep I became aware of a scratching/rustling noise in the room, sounded quite close.

I Ignored it to start with but it soon started to get to me, so I climbed out of bed and turned the light on...

... and right on the headboard above the other halfs head was a huge house spider, must have easily had a 5" leg span, biggest spider I've seen outside of a zoo.

So I try to coax the other half out of bed without letting her know there's a bloody huge house spider just inches from her face (she's far more scared of spiders than me). At the second attempt she moves and I reach for the fly swat (live and let live I know - but there was no way I was gonna co-habit with this 8 legged monster)

Am a little bit shakey but have a swing at it anyway... and miss!!! The f*cker dashes behind the headboard.

At this stage we're debating wether to sleep elsewhere or to try moving the bed when the beast comes back out from behind the headboard, gets to the top and holds its front legs in the air just like the "boss" spider on Aracnaphobia. It was either some kind of attack pose of it was just mocking my piss poor first effort to kill it, either way in the next few moments my head clears and my hand steadies and I take another swing - this time there are no mistakes and the terror is over.

Took bloody ages to get to sleep after though, any tiny noise had my senses tingling.

Length: about 5inches
(Fri 11th Apr 2008, 12:29, More)

» Stupid Dares

'Pull a pig'
Going back several years, me and a group of mates were having a lads night out and ended up in a nightclub

For our own entertainment we decided to get one of our more "easily influenced" friends (I'll call him Luke) to try and 'pull a pig'.

Within minutes the target was spotted, ironically she looked a lot like a pig.
Duely, each of us offered up varying sums of money should he manage to pull said pig - there was about £70 riding on it.

About 1 hour in we spot Luke with his face attached to another women (not the pig). When they stopped kissing we get to see the girls face and she made the pig look like a beauty in comparison, she was so ugly you'd think she had some kind of disability.

Luke comes swaggering back over to us - "lets have the money then lads" he said confidently, but his confidence soon slipped away as we remind him that the money was for 'the pig' not any pig!

Ironically if he'd said "how much for her" we would probably have doubled our stakes, but no he is left haunted by that grim face that he sucked on for nothing...

The moral of the story - if you're gonna do stupid dares, do them properly!
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 16:38, More)