» Stupid Dares

poo and bangers
simple childish, funny and dangerous basically.
Back from france with loads of bangers. Whilst sucessfully finding stuff to blow up in and park, my mate stumbles across some dog shit and dares me to insert some of the more powerful bangers into the large, soft and relitivly fresh poo. Once the 2 bangers have been inserted i light them and run like a motherfucker with 2 mates away from the disaster area. Now Andy had a different idea and hid not to far away tucked behind a park bench. We have covered some ground by the time we hear the bang followed by Andy's screams. Looking around to see Andy running around in circles waving his arms around in the air. Poor kid got a fine coating of poo on his back and head. The was no sign of the dog turd.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 16:17, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

tell it like it is girl!!
My sister, bless her, is a well educated, loud mouthed middle class white girl brought up in the south of england. She likes a joke, a drink and a laugh but cannot tolerate racism, sexism and of course over the top political correctness. A year or so ago she was traveling in America and doing a bit of work along the way. Hanging out in Austin, a great place apparently but my only impression of it is from Linklater's Stalker in which everyone seems a tad eccentric. Anyways she is in a bar with some nice folk of different ages, race etc. The beers a flowing and her bad jokes are starting. A bit drunk by know she turns to this big black bloke, and says "what do you call a black man flying a plane?" to which the table falls silent and the black dude is already shocked. In her mind the irony of saying the joke to him was funnier then the actual joke, but then it was to late. All attention was on her, she had to deliver the rest of the joke because if she bailed out now the it would seem even more dubious. So...and fair play to this....she shouts out the punch line "..a PIOLOT YOU FUCKING RACISTS!!!". Luckily he laughed. She still turned beetroot red, then they all drank more. Still a shame you sometimes get paranoid about cracking the odd joke.
(Tue 27th Nov 2007, 10:21, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

oh the memories
apart from the usual kids being bastards and experimenting on slugs with salt etc, i was playing with a small (and even cute) frog. I liked it and did not intend to do it any harm... I knew it would not be welcome in my home so i took the responsibility to find it a new one. Passing a phone box i investigate inside. Pushing up the little door to the compartment where you get your change from i realise that its the perfect size to make a snug room for the little fella. Perfect, what more could he possibly want!! I slip him into he new luxury apartment, make shore he is safely tucked away then trundle off home feeling proud to of helped the little dude out.
Needless to say i forgot all about my kind deed, but often think what happen to a) the frog and b) the person who used the phone next.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 16:20, More)

» Kids

operation bog wipe flush
Love kids, was one and more often than not I act like one. However when I was around 13 there was an strange occasion when I had to baby sit a 5 year old during the day. All was going well when my tv watching was disturbed by singing coming from the loo. The tune went something along the lines of

“I’ve done a poo, and I’ve finished,
I’ve done a poo, and I’ve finished,
So please come and ……….”

This singing continued until I decided to go and investigate. The door to the loo was wide open and the girl in question to my horror presents her bum to be wiped. This is when I discovered the true meaning to the lyrics of the song “…so please come and wipe my bum”.
Now I was way out of my league here. Firstly I had only agreed to look after her for a hour or so in the day. Secondly I hardly new her, to me she was a random child of my mums friend. Thirdly I had had very little experience in wiping other people’s bums (and still do, thank god).
Despite her charming song and character, I stuck to my guns and talked her through the operation from a safe distance. Hiding behind the door, and thinking surely this isn’t normal.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 11:25, More)

» Your first cigarette

Not sure if this has been mentioned before but frankspencer’s tale reminded me of squirrels...
Squirrels has been know to collect fag butts, thinking they're tasty nuts, they chew on them and develop a taste for the sweet, sweet nicotine inside. So much so that when they need a fix and spot some picnickers lighting up they pounce! Soon, the fiending squirrels associate humans with nicotine and start attacking indiscriminately.
(Tue 25th Mar 2008, 12:05, More)