» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Dog Poo Grenade
Once while out walking with my dog he stopped, as dogs tend to do and curled out the biggest, foul smelling shite that I've ever seen. The fucker pretty much filled the plastic bag I shovelled it into. With no turd bin in sight I ended up carrying it around with me for most of the walk. Going across a playing field he decides he wants to run around like a lunatic and be a general annoyance...cue me running around trying to put him on his lead before he upsets someone...he's not violent, just way too friendly for his own good. A bunch of the local chav brigade were gathered in one corner drinking and on spotting my labrador generally enjoying life they decided to start chucking rocks at him. Without a second though I launched the plastic bag full of shit through the air at them. The smelly missile flew through the air, hitting one of the group square in the chest, bursting on impact. The sight was funny for about 20 seconds until I had to sprint back home with hound in tow as they did the natural thing and chased us. A dangerous game to play but if you mess with my dog then I tend to get quite protective.
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 17:54, More)

» Stuff I've found

A Child
While out shopping in Sheffield centre not too long ago I was awakened from my half-conscious state by someone poking me in the small of my back. Turning round to deliver severe admonishment to the scoundrel who was harrassing me I was surprised to find a tear-stained little lad in an England Shirt who can't have been more than about five years old. It transpired that his name was Christopher and he had managed to rid himself of his parental types so was now wandering up and down Fargate in a bit of a panic.

Now if any of you have been down Fargate on a Saturday you'll know that it's rammed with people all milling about, stopping to watch street performers and generally causing congestion so it was nigh on impossible to find this kid's mum, especially 'cause the description he gave me wasn't the most helpful..."she's called mummy and she has a dress on and a coat" but having two younger brothers myself I felt like I should keep an eye on him; plus he was a pretty funny kid, kept gettin' excited at really odd things like the O2 shop or a stall selling scarves and chasing the pidgeons.

Having failed to locate a "mummy in a dress and coat" I figured I would ask one of the supposedly helpful city centre ambassadors (or some other pretentious title) what I should do and was basically told that they didn't have a clue.

Having been on the lookout for this kid's mum for about two hours now; all the while expecting the police to clap me on the shoulder and cart me off for stealing a child who was crying for his mum, I figured he would probably be hungry. As we went into Greggs for a pasty his eyes lit up, stood by the front entrance of the shop was a rather attractive looking lady who looked like she had been crying. "Is this yours?" I said as Chris ran towards her. Much laughter, rejoicing and no accusations of paedophila ensued and I was given £20...sure it wasted about 2 hours of my shopping time but seeing the look on his mums face when we walked up made my day. I suppose it was more of a case of him finding me really but there you go.

*Edit*

Whilst relaying this story to my bemused housemates...who couldn't believe someone like me would wander round for hours trying to find the lads mum, i said the words "If £20 is the going rate I'm gonna hang out with little kids more often"...soon after this I decided it wouldn't be the wisest business venture in the world
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 13:24, More)

» Public Sex

Hot Dog?
Not posted on here for a while, hope I haven't lost the knack.

Managed to pull in the smoking yard of Corporation Nightclub in Sheffield about two weeks ago. Things got pretty heated and I ended up gettin' sucked off in a quiet corner away from the crowd. The last thing I expected was two guys coming up and standing right next to us; one of them getting down on his knees in front of the other. Turns out they'd bought a hotdog from the cart outside and one of them had inserted it into his fly so his mate was copying the moves of my lady friend as best he could.

It is incredibly hard to concentrate on getting head when all you can see is two guys gurning like mongs and laughing their tits off. After what seemed like an eternity I was about to blow my load and at that exact moment I hear the shout of "You fucker you've bit the tip off"...that threw me over the edge and I pulled out of my lady friends moist oral cavity, bending over double and guffawing like only a drunk can!

...I was still bent over when I shot right into my own eye, yelped, fell forward headbutting the poor lass who promptly kicked me in the knackers and hit me with her shoe

Public Sex should come with a health warning

[apologies for any spelling/grammar mistakes. It's very late and I will amend it when I get a chance]
(Wed 29th Apr 2009, 4:34, More)

» My most gullible moment

Up until a few hours ago...
I believed I was happily in a relationship...then she dumped me

not strictly on topic but I really can't think of a funny :(
(Thu 21st Aug 2008, 22:34, More)

» Blood

Blood & Brownies
Just before I was about to start my 2nd Year of college the ex-girlfriend was at our house having lunch with us. She had just had a dental brace fitted so couldn't eat food that was too hard and my mum remarked that we had some chocolate brownies in the cupboard. Being the gent I am, I offered to get said brownies from the kitchen which prompted my mother to jump up and proclaim that she would get them because I "would eat them all as soon as I got hold of the tin". As is usual in our house a mad 5 mins of wrestling for control ensued and much laughter and merriment was had until my mother made a dash for the kitchen with me in hot pursuit.

As she ran through the glass door she caught it slightly so it swung closed. I put my hand out to push it back open and simply went straight through it. Mum turns round to find me standing there with blood spurting out my head. I'm ushered to a chair and my step-dad sits with a towel pressed to the wound as mum checks me over and finds more cuts...in all my left wrist, forearm and elbow were all sliced deeply as well as a gash on my head which was down to the skull. The kitchen resembled a crime scene with glass strewn across the floor and my blood coagualating in pools all over the place. I'm told that my mum lifted the towel off my head to check the damage and simply said "oh fuck, we're gonna have to call an ambulance"

One trip to A&E later and I had 8 stitches in my head, 6 in my forearm and 6 in my elbow plus steristrips on my wrist. Oh and in the ambulance they questioned my ex because they thought it was a domestic and she'd done it...I put them straight though as I told them it wasn't her, it was my mother

...oh and when I got back from hospital I got to eat all the brownies I wanted
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 20:43, More)