» I don't understand the attraction

people who 'hate' cars.
i'm sorry but in aberdeen it pisses it down 364 days of the year. the busses are full of pikeys and cyclists are all twunts ( if you are on the road,follow the rules like everyone else.)

in my car (sadly not a Honda Accord) i have warmth, my own music and i can leave when i like to arrive when i want to. it's not much more expensive than public transport.
as for the environment? fuck it, i work in the oil industry and i'm proud of my planet-raping job.

fucking hippies.
(Mon 19th Oct 2009, 13:21, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

oh dear...the scars
picture the scene,Wick,Scotland 1998, house party, you've drunk far too much newky brown and fallen asleep on your mates couch, there's 3 people asleep on the other couch, 4 on the floor in sleeping bags and an absolute monstrosity getting comfy on the end of your couch.

then she moves closer....
bit closer.....
head on your chest...
hand in your boxers....


bugger it, when in rome.

i'm 16 stone, so was she. a less appealing beast with 2 backs could ne'er be found.

she had 2 false teeth.
no redeeming factors; they called her Jayba the hutt at school.

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis???

putting it in her.

next weekend i went back for seconds.


apparently i broke her heart, she loved me.
i was young and stupid. i should've stayed away. i should'vwe said no.

i didn't and i've got to live with it.

cold, i know. i get grief about it whenever i go home. that was a long time ago.

getting flashbacks now.

god i feel ill.
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 13:08, More)

» Common

my wife-
bless her soul, but she's common as muck. her follies are as follows:

she eats crisps with her mouth open.
is adsdicted to x factor and hollyoaks
can't say specifically or pedestrian
ends words with ing at the end with ink (somethink, anythink ... the list goes on)
likes KFC (so do i but that's a different matter)

but i love her and she has a nice bum.
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 12:56, More)

» That's me on TV!

ireland 2006
me and a mate were on holiday in ireland seeing his family,

wandering through the square in ballyshannon (could have been bundoran) fuck knows!!


anyway, mary macaleese, future bigjob in the irish parliment is on TV doing an interview, who is in the background walking past screaming 'oi conor, where the fuck are we???'

that's right, muggins

live on the news.

awesome
(Thu 11th Jun 2009, 12:15, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

stringy.
when i was but a young loon, i had a problem with eating innedible things, my 3 main vices were: clay, plastic and of course string.

the first 2 are no major issue to digest, however string poses an issue.

i'd gone for a dump, as usual, nothing unusual there, finished and began to wipe. what i discovered hanging, nay dangling from my chocolate sheriff's badge was a length of string with poop-nugget beads dotted along it's length. rather than inform the rest of the household i began to pull, and pull, and pull. turns out that the 3 foot of string i'd digested the previous day, hadn't broken down and was pretty much intact. the feeling was uncomfortable to say thye least.

i don't eat string anymore, it's bad.

length? about 3 foot.
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 11:53, More)