» Banks

Give us the fudging money!
Not me, but a friend of mine quite a few years ago got offered one of the best summer holiday jobs ever, doing bank raids.

Basically he used to do the occassional line ups for £20 or whatever at his local police station when he was approached to help with bank staff training with being raided.

He was given a fake gun and told he could do what he wanted but he couldn't hurt anyone. So when it was almost closing time, he run in do lots of shouting and pointing with his gun demanding cash etc..

The staff were all expecting the training, but he said it didn't detract from being one of the most exciting things he'd ever done.

Wish it'd been me, all I did was work at an injection molding factory for next to f'k all for my summer holidays.
(Thu 16th Jul 2009, 16:05, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Religious innuendo
My friend's dad used to be a priest in his local village, and when we used to go round his house, we'd always be cracking up at the brass plaque that was on his dad's desk to remind us all of his religous duty:

"Let God fill you with his great peace"

How we giggled like little children.
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 10:51, More)

» School Days

Art trip to London
Obviously art classes were for kids who were either wasters, thick, or gay, since it was an easy subject, where homework consisted of spending 2 minutes drawing a picture on the morning bus, and the lessons consisted of flicking paint and drawing small cocks on each others masterpieces.

However one year, the art teachers in their wisdom, decided that it would be a benefit to see some real paintings at one of the London galleries to inspire us to great artistic achievements.

So after a 2 hour coach trip, where we listened to a variety of mix tapes that people had brought in (I think we managed to get a bit of NWA played before the swearing started), we were dropped off at the entrance of the gallery, given a sheet to fill out, a lunch pack, and told to meet back at 3pm by the coach.

Did we look at the paintings on display and fill out our sheets? Did we fuck. Straight out the back door for some adventures in the big smoke. I went off with some of my mates for a bit of shoplifting in Hamleys and Tower Records, afterwards meeting up with some of the other lads who'd gone to Soho to see some peep shows, where we went around the local sex shops checking out the merchandise.

We all coughed up enough cash to buy one of the special £10 mags in the brown wrappers, which consisted of bad colour shots of ropey looking men and women getting up to all sorts where towards the end it suddenly took a sideways direction into tv porn. I think the mag lasted about an hour being thrown around the back of the coach, before it got ripped up, and then all the pages disappearing.

I don't think the teachers ever realised what everyone got up to, but I would imagine they would have been surprised to hear that we all went home with a bit of art (pamphlet).
(Sat 31st Jan 2009, 10:37, More)

» PE Lessons

Adam
Adam was one of those kids at primary school who had the occasional bladder issue. One day he'd been hard at work giving his trousers, and all the spare clothes available a personal rinse when it came to an afternoon PE session in the assembly hall.

Due to the fact that there were now no longer any spare pants available, he was forced to undertake the PE lesson in just his t-shirt and plimsolls.

There isn't a mind bleach strong enough to remove the image scarred into the back of mind of Adam scaling the monkey bars with everything on display.
(Thu 19th Nov 2009, 21:51, More)

» Banks

When leaving a bank, close all your accounts
For ages I was with the TSB from a spotty kid to a awkward greasy teenager, however after getting cheesed off with their continued imcompetence and the fact that they wouldn't change my local branch from Leicester to Oxford where I'd moved because it might involve them doing some actual work.

Anyways, after dutifuly closing my current account with TSB and opening a new one elsewhere, I was told that all my direct debits etc.. would be moved over. In the process of moving over I'd forgotten that I'd had a crappy savings account still with TSB that I couldn't be bothered to close as it only had 23p in or something.

Cut to 10 months later when I'm suddenly getting snotty letters from TSB saying I'm overdrawn. I'm thinking wtf, I closed my account with them. Turns out there was a direct debit that was missed off, and when my insurance company decided them wanted some cash, charged my defunct TSB account.

Now TSB in their finite wisdom reckoned that since that account was closed, why not charge it to my 23p savings account instead, it's all the same to them.

So after having to pay the money back into my TSB savings account plus the charges, I wrote them a shitty letter asking them wtf they were thinking and to close that account as well.

Never got a response, the shower of cunts.

Morale of the story, if you're going off in a strop, make sure you close all and any accounts with the bank you're leaving.
(Fri 17th Jul 2009, 10:10, More)