» Anonymous

It's Just Not Tennis.........
College being somewhat rural, and the last bus back from town being 9:30, we were often at a loss of something to do on those long balmy summer evenings.

Staggering back from the bar a little the worse for wear, we saw the entire contents of someone's room neatly arranged on the cricket square. What a laff! What a wheeze! what a jape!

Except that upon further inspection it turned out to be my room! Bastards!

*wavy lines*

Two weeks later, walking back from the bar, the culprit (we'll call him "Geoff" for convenience sake) noticed a space where his car was usually parked. Upon closer inspection he found his car to have been "parked" in the centre of the tennis courts. Through a gate half the width of his car. And there it sat!

It took the college gardners a week to work out how I'd managed to get it there through 10 foot high chain link fencing!

Still makes me chuckle.
(Thu 14th Jan 2010, 20:25, More)

» Kids say the shittiest things

A Degree of Intelligence
Back in the dim and distant, I was undertaking the final dissertation for an Advanced Diploma. Handwritten, to be typed once completed, (pre Sinclair times) I was scribbling away at the dining table when the young Groover, aged about two, toddled in with a piece of paper and a bright green felt tipped pen. He kneeled up on the chair, put his paper on the table, took the top off his pen and, with his tongue poking firmly out of the side of his mouth, proceeded to draw a dozen or so green lines across the piece of paper.

"That looks interesting" quoth I "what are you doing?"

"Writing" came the succinct reply.

"Really" I said, "are you going to read it to me?"

I received that kind of askance look that only a two year old can give you, before he replied,

"Don't be silly. I'm not old enough to read!"
(Thu 23rd May 2013, 19:57, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome II

Stoke Bruerne Waterways Museum
When I was a young teacher we often took our classes to museums, in the early eighties, before the National Curriculum. We embarked upon a journey to the above mentioned waterways museum with 40 odd children, including our hearing impaired unit, which included our profoundly deaf children, all of whom wore bulky crystal radio aids which hung round the neck, and earpieces. Being one of the first schools in the country to use Total Communication methods, we also had a bit of funding to buy brightly coloured earpieces as well.(Nowadays, I shudder to think of the reaction, but they were the latest thing!!)

The plummy voiced lady giving the talk was given the neck mike to address the assembled children and staff, and asked us all to move back from the edge of the canal. All obliged bar Jake, who stood staring at a mallard.

(Cue haughty voice) " I arsked yew to move awei frorm the edge. Are yew DEAF (shouted) or something???"

To which my colleague, a petite blonde young lady whom butter wouldn't melt etc, walked up to her and said, sternly but quietly, an inch from her face, so that the children might not hear.

"Of course he is you stupid woman. What do you think that is in his ears? Fucking plasticine?"

The Boss nearly choked!

We never went back.
(Wed 22nd Aug 2012, 16:03, More)

» My Saviour

Blood Donors.
Everyone who gives blood rescues someone every day. They deserve a click.
(Fri 10th May 2013, 12:03, More)

» Travel

China
As part of a "Cultural Exchange" a group of Head Teachers were invited on a trip to Zhuhai, near Macau, and then on to attend a conference in Beijing. I got lucky because someone was ill and I was available, last minute (ish - I still needed a visa). Chance of a lifetime, and one I wasn't going to pass up. I was partnered with the No.1 Primary School in Zhuhai, and boy, it was!

Schools are ranked, with the brightest children going to the best school. Teachers from all over the city came to watch these paragons of excellence deliver an Authority pre-prepared powerpoint presentation with a headset mike and lightsabre, err pointer. The teacher never moved from the front of the room, there were 55 to a class, all of whom spoke English. Yep, every one wanted to say "hello" and "thank you". The Primary school of 2,500 children (that's not a typo) all exercised at 3pm. In lines. In the school yard. One line skipped, one line waved a table tennis bat. Then they swapped. For an hour. I have to say it was a very disturbing sight.

The school bought a brand new car to drive me around the city. It was driven by the Party Official, who is the No.2 in the school, ensuring that all lessons toe the party line. We were accompanied everywhere. When we came down to breakfast, our interpreters were there (one each). We never went anywhere unaccompanied, they even stood outside the loo! When we finally hit the hotel, our cars, drivers and interpreters dropped us off. On the one night we escaped for a game of snooker with one of the interpreters we were followed, very obviously. It didn't stop us getting hammered though.

Socialist State? I don't think so. Average price of the flats around "my" school was a million. Pounds. The Head lived in a large, luxurious subsidised high rise apartment. The authorities flew her son back from Beijing for one night to meet me! The stereo in the flat was out of this world, yet the abject poverty in the city was very evident wherever you looked.

One child one family? Nope. If you're rich, you just pay the fine. There were quite a few children with siblings at the school. There are "rules" whereby a family may have more than one child, but here it was just another rule to keep the proletariat under control.

The purpose of our visit, as we eventually discovered, was to pick our brains regarding educating thinkers and leaders, there's plenty of workers, but very little initiative. Everyone knew their places.I saw one little boy, obviously autistic, struggling during the exercise class. When I enquired I was simply told "he won't be with us for much longer. It was a mistake".

Highlight? Being able to become a Hero of China, by walking six forts on the Great Wall. Being from Lincolnshire, we opted for the steep, rather than the flat bit of the Wall, as we don't see much in the way of rises out here. Sitting up on the Wall, alone, was a bit of a moment. I just sat and reflected. Well, that and the fact that I was totally knackered walking up massive gradients in 35 degree heat. And even though we were allowed "Free Time" on the Wall, we were followed.

So after all that, would I go back? Yep, like a shot. The tour's arranged for the autumn.

td/lr: Went to China, its just like Conservative England. With noodles.
(Thu 18th Apr 2013, 19:34, More)