» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Jousting with a curtain pole in B&Q
My wife's voice 10 metres behind me "Oh, FFS! How old are you?!"
"Cadzooks, woman! Hush! Merrily I twat thine peasants!"

I mean, B&Q on a Sunday, what else would you do?

Couldn't quite do the clippity-cloppity sound of hooves, too busy poking chavs with a curtain pole.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 15:16, More)

» Darwin Awards

Wrong Way!
Quite some time ago I did a stint in Her Majesties Army and found myself in Sarajevo, Bosnia. Peace had been declared, everyone was friends, except no-one had told the locals yet. The naughty little blighters were still trying to off each other with any ol’ AK (or anything else for that matter) lying around.
There were a bunch of us Signals chaps with the mult-national force at a hotel complex (Hotel Terme, if anyone is interested), doing various communication ‘stuff’. One afternoon, me and m’oppo were tasked of take a landrover around to the back of the complex and pick up some stuff or whatnot.
So I’m driving down this very narrow lane with open woods around us, and I’m pretty much lost.
“You’re lost aren’t you?”
“Of course not, whatever gave you that idea?”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Y--- STOP!!!”
SCREEEEECH!!!
We’d come to a point where that was a lot of tape around the place and small triangular signs.
“That’s Landmine warning signs, aren’t they?” Asks m’oppo.
“Why yes, I do believe you’re right.”
“They’re also meant to read from the OTHER side, aren’t they?”
……Oh bum……
(Fri 13th Feb 2009, 16:12, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Strange words at a funeral.
Cue first proper post. This isn't so much what a friend did for me; really that he changed my perspective.

As I'm sure many of you know, loosing a close relative as not a very nice thing.
My father was a funny ol' sod, never once told me he loved me, or hugged me, or told me well done, when I would win a medal in Aikido.
We'd stick to certain established conversation subjects, the weather, cats, the garden and photography. We'd stick to these rules otherwise the alternative was chaos and shoutiness.

He was like this for many, many years, always there, same ol' dad.
In June he died. Just like that.
Then things got a bit silly. I'm the youngest (brother and sister) and although I'm in my late thirties, I'm still the baby (dear god...). So there I am at the parents house after picking my mother off the floor of the hospital and it's time to involve the brother and sister.
Now my brother is an ex copper and very sensible and my sister is also grounded in reality, so I let them know that our father has gone his good way.

My brother was on holiday at the time and decided that there wasn't much point in rushing back
"Are you sure? Mum would really LIKE to see you."
"I don't see the point in me rushing back to be honest. You've got it all organised, haven't you"
"Organised? I have?" (you do remember that I'm the baby, right?)

My sister had a far better excuse.
"I'm due an incredibly important operation in hospital tomorrow, if I come down then I'll have to wait a few months for the next one. And at that point there might not be much point..."
"Fair enough, Al, get your self seen to."

S**t. That means I've got to sort it all out and there is SO much to do! And try and keep my mother together, and not fall apart myself. Did I mention that my wife's Grandfather died 3 days before that and that they were very, very close? (Also lost the cat the week before, bless his little cottons )

So. It comes to the funeral and it's been a week of keeping it together, propping my mother up, propping my wife up, being propped up by my wife and organising everything there is to do with funerals.
Things can go a bit weird at this point. Your whole focus is on death and sadness. You lose touch with reality, why is everyone going about as if nothing has happened??!!
Funeral speech. Something needed to be said and as my brother was a published author then it was expected that he'd speak.
"Are you doing the speech?"
"No, I can't, I'll fall to pieces."
"Right. Al? You're sensible, you want to do it?
"No, I can't, I'll lose it."
"Guess it's me then..." (Bugger)

So I did the speech. And it all went well until the end, I didn't lose it but it took awhile to get the words out.

I was chatting to my very good friend of 34 years afterwards at the wake.
"Sorry, I was doing okay and then I crumbled at the end."
"Just like a good cheese."
...........

I giggled, we laughed and the world got a bit brighter.
It gets brighter every day, even my mother has started to notice.
My wife and I are hopefully adopting a couple of kiddies next year and at that point we may just get dazzled.
Oh, and I'm no longer the baby.


Length? I was rambling! Anyway, death IS a rather lengthy process.
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 16:06, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Perfect excuse!
Literally just found out that a major sticking point (it went on for months!) in the way of my wife and I adopting a couple of kids has been overcome and that it is going to go ahead, with a bit of luck before Christmas too.
Really don't mind if anyone here isn't interested but I thought I'd share :)

And the point is? I can now go totally toy nuts! All notions over adulthood can be thrown out the window.
But what to buy??? Lego, check. Action man, check. Crazy Wii games, check. Star Wars, try and stop me, baby!
Bloody hell, cartoons! Yes! I can now expand the collection!

I want the fucking lot!
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 16:28, More)

» God

Right. Extremism.
I'm a Christian, I'll get that one out of the way first off. I go to church, enjoy a drink with the vicar and generally enjoy it all. If it's not for you that's fine, if you prefer to be Jewish, Muslim etc, that's also fine.

But do you know what I really, really can't fucking stand.
Extremists. Extremists are cunts. Please don't ram your opinions in other peoples faces, try being a bit more modest, and respect other people views. Be tolerant.
Hmm, that's a nice word, I'll say it again. Tolerant.
Do I know everything? No, of course I don't. Funny enough, nor do you. Seem we're both on a level peg there.

Extremism takes many faces, Christians, Muslims (seems popular these days), Jehovah's Witnesses etc.
But there's another one that often gets overlooked, and that's the Extreme Atheist.

Fuck me. Don't you fuckers go on, as bad, if not worse than many Christians.

"Do you believe in God?"
"Why, yes I do, why do you ask?"
"He doesn't exist! I can prove it! You're brain washed! ETC ETC RANT RANT"

You're just as bad as the others. If you believe that, that's fine. But please respect my views and I'll respect yours.

Extremists of any nature are twats


Length? Well. It’s not extreme...
(Thu 26th Mar 2009, 14:53, More)