» Crap meals out

still makes me retch even now
1986, Fulham.
I go to select my luncheon from the local deli, Euro something. (Some big chain, do they still exist in London? There was another on Oxford Street near the Tottenham Court Road corner).
I choose a slice of game pie.
I get back to the office, and being a fast eater, had wolfed down half of it before i realized there was white fuzzy mold, hairy white mold growing on the meat.
( i am genuinley retching as i write this 20 years later).
What followed then was me drinking huge amounts of water very quickly and seriously projectile vomiting in the office bog.
This went on for the best part of an hour.
Somehow, i managed to drag my periodically barfing self back to the deli, showed them the remnants of the pie (i had the receipt), got a refund, insisted that i keep said remnants, and made my way to Fulham and Chelsea Town Hall, where i introduced myself to the food hygiene inspectors.
I also introduced them to the pie, and they introduced me to their bog, as an emergency barf was imminent.
Collective opinion of Fulham and Chelsea Town Hall food hygiene inspectors of the remains of the slice of game pie was:
"Eeeewwwwwwwwww"
I asked one inspector if i could catch anything from consuming said item.
His response was" well, we will send it for tests, but you are going to find out before we will".
I liked his laconic style.
End result:
Deli was charged and prosecuted, they pleaded guilty, were banned from selling 'fresh' produce for three months, fined 500 quid, and had by law to display a letter prominently in their window from the courts explaining why they were banned for selling food "unfit for human consumption".

Nearly, very nearly, put me off meat pies for life.
(Tue 2nd May 2006, 10:03, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

the very worst kind of food....
... is to have no food at all.

Try it sometime.
Then see if you can still complain about sprouts/Marmite/swede etc.
(Wed 14th Jul 2004, 5:34, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Nurses have the best stories
i used to hang out with a lot of nurses, they'd all worked in casualty.
Their stories:

some bint's wanked with a light bulb, poked it right up, she had a muscle twitch it broke.

an old dear came and sat in casualty for hours, evidently in pain, but wouldn't talk to anyone until it all got too much and she had to tell the doc she had a roast potato up her.

A full bunch of grapes. Up the front bottom. One by one. had to be tweezered out.

Not strictly wank, but couple doing biz in country, post-fun, girly decides its fun to pick a daisy and slide it down her bloke's peehole.
Daisies have hairs on stems which poke upwards towards bloom.
Flower came off in her fingers, stem lodged in willy.

Lots and lots of blokes coming with willy damage from the hose attachment of a brand of vacuum cleaner makers who neglected to tell their customers that about 5 inches down the hole, hidden in shadow, was a small sharp fan.
Not half as funny as their excuses for how they had their willy down a household appliance (shower, stairs, dressing gown, fell down, chance in a milion, vacuum left on, gown opened, chance in a million really wasn't it).
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 12:18, More)

» Crap meals out

all in London
found broken glass in my steak dinner at Leicester Square Angus Steakhouse.
Went to a really cheap Indian for a curry after the pub, Shepherd's Bush.
Girlfriend and i order the same hottest curry on the menu, we were pissed of course.
Chicken Bangalore Phal.
I eat quickly and consumed half before gf says " Bebe, stop eating".
I look up to see her holding tween fork and knife the unmistakable shape of curried hind leg off a cat.
We drank our lagers and left.

I didn't barf though.
Cat tastes slightly bitter.
(Sat 29th Apr 2006, 7:51, More)

» Essential Items

well
i usually have five exquisite Faberge eggs stuffed into my left jeans pocket.
(Thu 27th Oct 2005, 14:59, More)