» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Probably a couple of wife related things
Waiting until her hair was well and truly shampooed up in the shower, then creeping in while she had her eyes closed washing it out.

I recommend everyone try this (use your own wife or girlfriend). Went right up to the bath and put my face about 1 inch from her nose and just stayed there. The terrified screamy face clutching when she opened her eyes was fulsome, protracted, and like some sort of 50s B movie trailer depicted by Edward Munch. Awesome.

Another time I also laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself, we were walking with friends to a pub, holding hands. She was walking backwards briefly talking to someone behind. So I maintained our path - mine, clear; hers, blocked by a BT phonebox. What I couldn't have planned was that she would turn round to resume walking forwards at the exact moment we reached the phonebox and splat, insect-like against the perspex.

These things will probably cease being funny if I accidentally hurt her one day, but she's been ok so far.
(Fri 18th Sep 2009, 13:29, More)

» School Days

This is possibly the geekiest story ever.
Probably my happiest time at school was just pre GCSEs. I'd left behind a mediocre circle of largely very nice, but football obsessed, friends (doesn't do it for me) and managed to fall in with the clever kids. Our school was pretty weird as somehow, through unerring decency, friendliness and wit, the cleverest chappy in our year also happened to be one of the most popular. Cue not an awful lot to worry about and plenty of time to get on with enjoyment of learning and creativity without fear of reprisal.

So anyway two of my best friends, remaining so to this day, in that group were gregarious popular erudite Matt (above), and introverted, ludicrously clever Dave. We're talking like rocket science clever. We got heavily into writing games together, me taking more of a lead on the art, design and music side of things but doing the odd bit of coding and Dave dealing with the meat.

This is back in the early days of Pentuim processors and latter days of good old MS-DOS. So we were mostly coding in Qbasic because it was all we had, but one day Dave turned up with a little assembly language program that swapped two numbers around and added them together. Next day he turned up with a fully fledged sound driver. Now we had power.

The next day's program was effectively a virus. A little program you ran that stayed memory resident in DOS and every time a key was pressed there was a 1 in 10 chance it would print something abusive at you on the screen. So I leant Dave my extensive collection of .TXT pr0n about comic book charactes (told it was geeky). This was promply incorporated into the program and it was installed on every PC in the department. Reams of filth everywhere when anyone tried to type something. Brilliant.

Over a few weeks we developed our masterpiece. A DOS program that counted up in Dave's voice (slightly sped up):

"Its the ONE! head dwarf. Its the TWOO head dwarf. Its the THREE head dwarf" etc. up to around the point where something went wrong with the numbers which I think was in the region of 360,000

It was deployed one lunchtime across every PC in the room and they were left to chorus to perplexed pupils and teachers.

Mmm large scale geeky bafflement goodness.

No punch line. Am I meant to have one?
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 17:03, More)

» Teenage Crushes - Part Two

Three highlights
Pre-teenage so doesn't really count, but Sheila(?) from the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. The one with the invisibility cloak I think. That was quite a big one.

A bit later, Kimberly Pink Ranger from Power Rangers. I started out on Trini but obviously I'm a massive racist. Someone else had this on page one but it was worth reiterating. You can find nuddy pictures of her if you look.

More recently Willow. Not Alyson Hannigan. Willow. Though she is gooooorgeous in that How I Met Your Mother thing. All soft and lovely.

*snaps out of it*.

Anyway, you sense the theme. Non-threatening, not the most typically attractive or non-fictional of women. If they don't exist you can't be disappointed. /Inferiority-complex-blog.
(Thu 5th Nov 2009, 13:14, More)

» Gambling

Its great having a friend who will do anything for money...
As the many people who have one will testify. One of the funniest things I've ever seen is my friend Matt, having been bet £10 by two of us (so £20 at stake here) that he couldn't eat an entire bar of lightly salted Anchor butter, take on the challenge.

Just recalling him unwrapping, and biting with gusto into, that bar of yellow, salty goodness like it was a giant Mars Bar, only to stop munching on the first mouthful like a startled sheep because it was "fucking disgusting", gives me the giggles.

Not particularly heroic or outrageous but if anyone knows someone like this I wholehearedly recommend any kind of raw-butter-eating related bets.
(Fri 8th May 2009, 13:32, More)