» Real-life slapstick

A Russian friend of mine...
Whom I have known for many a year now, attracts slapstick accidents.

We were cycling to a mate's house for a get together of some description, when we spotted a group of (fairly fit) lasses we knew from school, so we decided to stop and say Hi. Cue Russian friend slamming his brakes on in what I assume was supposed to be a skid-stop, but using his front brakes a little too enthusiastically, causing him to teeter up on his front wheel and hang there for what must have been a good few seconds before gravity caught up with him and he hit the deck face first, mere feet from aforementioned lasses.

On another occasion involving just the two of us we were wandering back from the swimming pool in our home town in freezing early January temperatures, through a nature reserve which served as a handy shortcut. The Russian spots something I can only describe as a hybrid between a small lake and a large pond which is completely frozen over, and decides to try breaking the ice. We're stood there stamping around for a bit, rapidly tiring of our pointless endeavour, when he takes a massive jump and slams both feet down, taking out a large circle of ice and plunging into the depths with it. The water came up to his shoulders and he was blue by the time I'd dragged his stupid arse out of the water, me giggling like a numpty the whole way home as soon as I realised he wasn't going to die.

To finish this trio of slapstickery, you must know that our friendship group indulges in the creatively titled sport of "glowstick frisbee" which involves drinking until the group as a whole is heavily refreshed, then taking a frisbee with glued on glowsticks down the park in the middle of the night and hurling it about. So there we are and after a mighty throw by yours truly the frisbee is sailing across the park with three pissed up young gentlemen in hot pursuit. Two of them gracefully avoided the park bench that lay in their path, the third, being the uncoordinated Russian that he is, spangs his shins and manages a full somersault before landing heavily on his arse. He laid there for a while before we stopped pissing ourselves laughing and picked him up.

I think he earned the playground nickname "The coordination station".
(Tue 26th Jan 2010, 21:05, More)

» Nightclubs

80's Rave Themed Night
Okay, so it was less the actual nightclub than what happened afterwards, but... (Disclaimer: The following story may cause boredom, depression and in severe cases, death. Also, feel free to skip to the last three paragraphs for the meat of the story, most of it is poorly written waffle.)

The occasion was a mate of the girlfriend's birthday party and we started out wandering into a few pubs. I was feeling like a tit with my bright technicolour rave style cap, pac-man t-shirt and glow rings hung from my necklace, ears, on my fingers and rammed into my shoes which generally got a few odd looks from passers by. I had "Fluorescent Adolescent!" shouted at me at one stage, which I was pretty chuffed with in an odd way. Got into a club, danced with the girlfriend and made lewd suggestions as to what I'd do to her when we got back to hers later.

It gets a little fuzzy here.

I got slightly tipsy, (read: shitfaced) lost my ladyfriend, somehow ended up dancing (read: throwing shapes like a twat) with a group of slappers after I was dragged into their circle (read: molested), got found by the ladyfriend and dragged out again then managed to lose her after I stood outside with her drunk mate (bit of a goer) talking for a bit. I should mention the Guinness I'd been drinking the entire time, as it was the cause of me then feeling rather ill and deciding to go to the bogs.

Pissed like a horse, considered being violently sick but decided not to, walked out and tipped the bog-troll a quid (didn't even wash my hands, I was just feeling generous) left the toilets, get informed it was time to go by a slightly irate missus as apparently the group had been looking around for me for half an hour or so, we get into taxi and I'm looking forward to a game of hide the sausage with my disappointingly sober lady.

Get in, stagger upstairs, throw on a condom as she's forgotten to take her pill (honestly, how hard can it be?) and after the compulsory cunnilingus to lube her up, in slips little-Toynip (that's my cock and not my non-existant son). I start thrashing away, put my finger up her ring piece as I'm full of Dutch (Irish?) courage, she doesn't seem to mind too much and anyway, she only had to feign enjoyment for an hour, as opposed to the usual two (hurr hurr).

So what felt like a studly performance but in all likelihood was probably 10 minutes later I'm spent, roll over, pat her on the arse and start snoring away, job done.

I wake in the morning with a pretty thick head and stagger to the toilet for a Guinness shit that nearly destroys the plumbing, then return to bed with the intention of getting a hangover cure in the form of another good hard shag, only to find the missus doesn't want any of it. In fact she's really pissed at me. Nay, seething. It's not the shouty kind of anger either, it's the "I'm going to stay completely silent cause you've done something that should be completely obvious and until you apologise for it, you're in the dog-house" kind of anger. Cue me figuring this out and guessing along the lines of "Dancing with the slappers?", "Spending too much time outside with your drunk mate?", "Losing you for most of the night?"...

All of which were incorrect. As it turned out, the condom broke during the previous night's shenanigans and I'd fallen asleep before we could talk about it. So we spent the morning with me hungover driving her around to all the family planning clinics, doctors and chemists trying to get hold of a morning after pill. Not the easiest thing to do on a bank holiday when everything is closed. Bollocks.

In the end she managed to get one the morning after the morning after. Didn't stop her doing a pregnancy test a few weeks down the line. I thought driving around on the bank holiday was a nerve-racking experience, but that five minutes of her in the loo pissing on a stick was a damn sight worse.

Thanks for reading my (frankly shite) story even with the severe lack of funnies. Evidently the evil of nightclubs had followed us home.
(Fri 10th Apr 2009, 1:54, More)

» Workplace Boredom

I'm an apprentice electrician...
... and I'm currently on an enormous building site. Over 100 working bodies, probably closer to 200, including 20 from our company alone.

As it's such a large place it's easy to spend days at a time doing nothing much as long as you keep half an eye out for The Boss (who is, it has to be said, a complete and utter slave driving See You Next Tuesday).

Activities we take part in to pass the time are many and varied, but to name a few:

Filing down both ends of threaded steel rods about 4 inches long and wanging them into plasterboard, ply and foam insulation.

Making 'ninja death shurikens' from strips of plastic with screws in designed for automated screw guns. Simply twist into a circle, pop together and hey presto, a small ring of death that will stick into the aforementioned building materials. Or your workmate's leg.

Making tables and boxes out of scrap wood and metal conduit. These actually came in very handy for transporting materials and using as workbenches in the end.

Crafting 'marble runs' for tennis balls from various metal framework and conduit. I have 50 odd videos on my phone of us doing this.

Beaning said tennis balls at each other.

Lying in wait for a fellow sparky to wander round the corner, then twatting him on the bonce with your hard hat. As he is also wearing a hard hat, this doesn't really hurt, but does deafen him for the next ten minutes.

Scrawling countless graffiti pictures and slogans on every surface available.

Reading B3ta on my mobile on the shitter. Gotta love unlimited mobile data packages.

Generally giving all tradesmen a bad name.

Thanks for reading, this is my first post of what will hopefully be many. Bout time I came out of the woodwork and stopped lurking!
(Fri 9th Jan 2009, 19:15, More)