» I'm your biggest Fan

Oh Jamie, Jamie.
I'm a big lad. I'm 6ft 2 & arond 19-20 stone. I'm bloody lovely & soft as shite but I do have that menacing look about me. Anyway, around this time last year, I was just leaving my local Thoroughgoods when 2 young kids were messing about in the doorway making it awkward to get out. "scuse me matey" I say in my chirpiest voice & turn to one side to let them in, they apologise & enter the shop & I turn back to leave. The next bit seemed to go veeeeeery slowly. Standing in front of me is there papa, none other than Liverpool legend & local resident Jamie Carragher! He's by no means a small fella, but when I'm standing on a step adding 8-10 inches to me & as wide as the door frame, even "Our Jamie" as brave as he is, looked like he'd just shit in his pants! We both stood in silence for the longest 2 seconds of my life! "Sorry Mate" I said panicking whilst trying to still look cool, & stepped aside. "Aaah, thanks mate" said Jamie, stepping inside... I didn't leave it at this. Trying (& failing) to be cool as fuck I say the gayest line ever "No Jamie... Thank you" just stop Dr Fishfinger, pretend you where taking the piss, he won't know! NEVER!!! The next bit capped off the the most bullseye-esque (good but shit) moment of my life... I patted him..... On the arse! Then I just walked away, he didn't say a word.
Apologies for length & shitness
(Wed 22nd Apr 2009, 14:18, More)

» Family Feuds

My Brother the Cunt
This one is long, but the feeling of personal satisfaction was immense!
I was always "The nice child". The quiet, friendly, well mannered one. My Older brother was always "The little shit". However, to me, he was a malicious, spiteful, coniving, horrible, nasty little cunt. A bully & a shit-house who never looked out for me (one time, aged about 8, I got into a fight with a lad from down our street & my brother cheered for him!)

Anyway, years went by & he carried on being a shite. He took pleasure in embarrasing & upsetting me, esp' infront of friends & family & they never realised how much it hurt me (there a slow bunch) Looking back, I realise how jealousy made him do these things, as I was more popular, funny, intelligent & loved than he would ever be. When I was about 18-19, a wonderful thing happened though, he moved out! Soon after, he met a girl, a skinny, rat faced little slapper with a kid from fuck knows who & he fell in love & moved in with her. They where together for years, & in her defence, helped him grow up a bit, however, they split after she had a hysterectomy & he couldn't handle never having a kid of his own (That, & she was well fucking half the lads in her work!).

I'd just quickly like to say, that despite all of what he did, I was never nasty or wicked to him in return. I was always nice, & when he stopped growing at 15 & stayed at 5ft 7 & 9 1/2 stone & I carried on going to 6ft 1 & 20 stone, I always made sure he was safe, got him out of kickings he thoroughly deserved & introduced him to some of the lads I worked on the doors with, so he'd be safe if I wasn't around. Fastforward to my holiday in Malia a few years back, I'd not long split with my girlfriend Hayley & was out there with my mates getting over her, some good nights were had, & the last night was set to be a blinder, a fact made more apparent by the way, at 10 o'clock, me & my mate had gone back to our hotel room to get more money (lots more money!) I just happened to check my phone, & I saw I had a text from him. I opened it up & read this "Iya mate, hows your holiday? Just to let you know, I got off with your ex hayley the other night, but I was wrecked! See you when you get back" I fucking flipped. Years of his shit just built up inside me, I was seething & my last night spectacular was in tatters.

I didn't reply straight away because I literally didn't have enough money to say all the things I wanted to in a phonecall or text from abroad! So, I waited till I got home, & I text him then. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, why the fuck did you feel the need to tell me that on the last night of my holiday & ruin it for me? You are a vile, horrible, little shit-house cunt & I want fuck all to do with you. Don't speak to me or contact me again". Then I waited, 1 minute later, my phone rang, ignored. Rang again, ignored, 20 times, all ignored. Texts, deleted without reading. Then... I told my mum! I sat down & she told me that Karl was upset because I wouldn't speak to him & what had happened between us? So I told her, I then explained that had I of done it to him, I would of been the biggest social pariah in our family & he'd have lorded it over me for life. She agreed. She didn't like him much either, he'd ruined it between him & my mum with his 3pint limit always consisting of 10, thus, acting like an obnoxious, boring cunt infront of friends & family, & she started to hate being round him & better still, seeing him for who he really was. She also told my Nan, who by now he was living with, & she tore strips off him (She thought he was a cunt when he was pissed too!) His entire world fell apart in a matter of weeks, our family were seething with him, there were all manner of stories popping up of things he'd done to piss them off & how they'd ignored it as a one off & now saw him for who he really was. When he went out, my friends ignored him, apart from those who threatened him, some with acts of violence from me, having seen my state of mind on holiday & explaining what I should do to him, he was shitting himself!!!

I didn't see or hear from him for months, my Mum was at no point upset at her 2 boys predicament, because she saw how happy I was, & how utterly miserable he was! One night, whilst waiting for an Indian meal in the restaraunt, 2 girls I knew came in "Oh guess what, your brothers with us, he's just outside". "I'm not speaking to him" I replied. "Oh..." They said. He walked in & saw me & started grovelling at lightning speed. "Fuck off away from me" I said. More grovelling "Just fuck off & leave me alone, I told you, don't speak to me. Ever again". He tried to "Man-up" a bit, & attempt a bit of an angry tone. "Well I didn't know you still fancied her" was his attempt at an argument in his defence. "You spent the whole night trying to get off with her, knowing full well who she was, you followed her home for 20 minutes, until she kissed you to make you go away. If I'd have even contemplated doing something like this with your cock eyed slut of an ex, you'd have spent the rest of your days trying to turn our entire family against me". "No I wouldn't" was his attempt at a comeback. "Just do me a favour, I've asked you nicely, now go away & leave me alone before I smash your fucking face in" He left. Whenever I went to my nans, he'd attempt to speak to me & I'd ignore him, my Nan didn't try & defend him. He was in bits.

A few years passed, & I met a different girl, & we fell in love quickly. My entire family adored her, & she eventually persuaded me to at least be amicable. He'd lost the respect of our whole family, his friends were scared to go out with him incase my mates kicked shit outta them & the only person who could save him, despised him. I caved in & agreed. We spoke, never conversations or friendly, just hello's, goodbye's etc. I told my friends to leave him alone & do as I did, just say hello, that's it. He went from being a horrible little cunt, to being a grovelling, pathetic, whiny little shit-house, always talking me up & saying how great I was to everyone.

A year or so later, our nan passed away suddenly, & after the funeral was over & done with, me, him & my uncle stayed out. He was a joke, he sat there calling himself every shite under the sun, & saying how great I was. My uncle shut him up with a few sentences. "You always have been, & always will be, a horrible little shit. The sole reason your still alive today is because of your younger brother. You litterally owe everything you have to him being on your side. If you's two ever fell out, your world would fall apart in a matter of weeks, you'd have nothing & no-one." We hadn't seen our uncle in 10 years, & he knew nothing of our falling out.

Fuck me, I'm so sorry about the length, but once I started, I couldn't stop
(Mon 16th Nov 2009, 1:10, More)

» Schadenfreude

You've been Shilpa'd!
Has be when Jade died of minge cancer. Not just at her, but at her kids too. Her mums only got one arm you know!
(Sat 19th Dec 2009, 3:00, More)

» PE Lessons

P.E
One of our P.E teachers was from another dimension. He fought for the Magical Light in the war against the Powers of Darkness & he could shoot a holographic Leopard from his chest... No wait, that was The Visionaries.
(Sat 21st Nov 2009, 13:09, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

"New Indie"
Killers, Kings of Leon, The Feeling, The Fray, The View, The Kooks. They look the same, dress the same & sound the same & yet were supposed to admire their diversity. THERE FUCKING SHIT!!! There music makes me want to staple my man tits to a childs bike. I genuinely hope they all fall down a well. The people who are into these bands were into dance music 3 years ago before they were told to like someone else. They've inspired countless twatish dress senses, skinny jeans & check shirts with hair-cuts that would make Limahl spit in their gaunt fucking faces. I genuinely hate music now. Oh, & one more thing, if there signed to Sony, Universal etc... THERE NOT FUCKING INDIE!!! For the confused amongst you, indie means independant as in independant label. Just thought I'd clear that up for some of you!
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 12:07, More)