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» Random Acts of Kindness

Some sort of inter-school talent competition
My oldest (9) and his friend had practised their song and were word (if not quite pitch) perfect. They even had some 'Funky dance moves' and were quietly confident.

The school my kids go to is great; they have a specialist teaching unit but try to integrate the special kids into normal class, this means that most classes have 3 adults at all times, which is fantastic.

Anyway, one of the kids from the unit had been taken under the wing of my son and they got on really well. In fact my son is one of only a few people who can communicate with him and understands everything he says (I can't make out a word of it).

So, to the day of the competition and the school turns out to support the kids performing. The competition is good but we are better! It is time for #1 son to go on and while he is nervous, he knows what to do and has practised (of his own volition) for weeks. Suddenly special friend starts making a scene and while no one knows what the matter is, #1 calls him over. Apparently he REALLY wants to join in and can not understand why he is not allowed to.

#1 and co-star decide that he should join them on stage and as the lights go up and the first notes drift out they start, now as a threesome, to perform...

They came 2nd from last, the performance was totally ruined. It would almost have been funny if we did not know how much effort had gone into it.

Afterwards, expecting some sort of fall out #1 son announced that it did not matter and that it was better for special friend to get a go than to worry about winning.

Kids today eh? All asbos and nintendos according to the Daily Mail.

I is very proud.
(Thu 9th Feb 2012, 14:23, More)

» Tactless

School reunion
Not an official one, but a 20 year meeting in a pub for an all day session. Partners were welcome (never a good idea).

So old mate Steve and his wife were there as was the girl who, in the 6th form was already the 'fittest bird in the school' and the years had been more than kind. She was a stunner.

Anyway, Steve always had a thing for her and as the night went on was being louder and louder with his comments 'do you remember when she wore that skirt to the disco??' etc.

Finally his wife turned round and shouted ' if you fancy her that much, why don't you just fuck off and have her instead?'

To which Steve: 'Don't worry love, you are perfectly safe.... she was always out of my league'

Debate remains to this day if he was taking the piss but it remains the quote of the year.
(Thu 10th Nov 2011, 8:45, More)

» FIGHT!

I'm sure I've told this one before...
Late 80s in a Midlands city, an evening of beer and bands beckoned.
During the support band, for reasons unknown to this day, I find myself trading blows with another gig goer. It was all over in seconds and neither of us seemed that hurt so I return to the bar with my mates.

A short time later we are accosted by my erstwhile opponent and his 8 or so entourage, demanding retribution and a proper punch up ‘outside’ where we would not be interrupted by bouncers or other spoil sports.

We numbered a mere 5 so it was likely we would come off second best even with the skills of Mad Pete, our resident Geordie nutter. It was he who announced “Right then, let’s go. After you poofs” and so we traipsed after the gang of them to the front door where the bouncers held it open, seeming to know what we were up to and not caring, so long as it happened on the pavement and not in the hall.

Just as the last of them stepped outside the venue, Pete swung round and marched us back to the bar, leaving them on the wrong side of the door and subject to the ‘No re-entry after 11’ rule. We stayed to watch the headliners (I think it was The Fall) and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

Come chucking out time there was no reception party waiting for us as being in Nottingham, it had pissed down all night and no one is worth waiting for that much.
(Mon 18th Mar 2013, 15:54, More)

» Body Horror

Ear Soup
When I was a bit younger, my general scumminess and long, lank hair meant I sometimes generated significant spots. One summer, one of these just behind my ear developed into a full blown cyst.

Because it was behind my ear, it was not totally obvious but as the weeks went on I eventually went to the doctor who prescribed some anti-biotics or something.

A week or so later, while on holiday with friends in a caravan in Cornwall, my ear started to get warm. Then hot, then itchy, then stingy. I took to rubbing it then scratching it and eventually with enough force to just break the surface.

What errupted from that small fissure had the colour and temperature of about half a tin of hot Campbells condensed tomato soup. Before you add the water. After the first erruption, I naturally prodded and squeezed for a good 1/2 hour, each time milking another few drops of the stuff. What amazed me was that each drop could change colour, first pure white, then blood red and even flecks of green as if each drop had been living its own existence rather than swimming in the big sack of puss.

Finally a couple of hard white bits came out and it was gone, never to return and quickly forgotten save for a small scar and a strange stain on a caravan sofa somewhere in Cornwall.
(Fri 12th Jul 2013, 12:48, More)

» FIGHT!

I'm more of a lover than a fighter
So when the 6'6'' meathead offered me out

I fucked him up the arse
(Thu 14th Mar 2013, 12:30, More)
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