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(Thu 2nd Apr 2009, 21:24, More)

» Kids

Time for a pearoast me thinks. I ruined the day trip of the most annoying kid I've ever had the misfortune of being in the vicinity of...
As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. The main problem is that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING. This rule applies tenfold in the case of children.

So, one particular day I get on the bus to go into town and take my seat towards the back of the bus. Far back enough to not be sat with the elderly, but not too far back to be stuck with the thugs. All is going as well as a journey in a clapped out stinking bus can possibly go, when the child from hell jumps aboard with his fat arsed chav mother. They sit in the gap thats designed for the elderly and the crippled in the standard display of selfish procrastinating lazyarsed effortless behaviour that you now seem to expect from the tax swallowing handout dependent wasters that are the chav class. The mother opens a family bag of doritos, and proceeds to munch her way to an early grave, while satans fart stands on his seat and starts pressing the bell over and over...and over again.

This went on for about 10 minutes, and I could see everyone on the bus becoming restless as they all got closer and closer to a total nervous breakdown. And then, something incredible happened. Something so extraordinary, noone saw it coming... The mother actually did some parenting.

"IF YOU TOUCH THAT BELL ONE MORE FUCKING TIME WE'RE GOING HOME YOU LITTLE SHIT!" she bellowed menacingly at the perfectly described "little shit". The child immediatly stopped, looking shocked and upset but kept his hand near the button mostly for balance. And so, the perfect opportunity for vengeance had shown itself.

With a quick glance at the mother to make sure she wasn't looking at either me or the demon spawn, I reached up and rang the bell in quick succession. The mother glared at the child, his hand still over his button, and with wails of protest she picked him up, and marched off of the bus screaming at him that he was no longer going to the zoo.
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 16:09, More)

» Guilty Secrets

I ruined a kids day trip
As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. The main problem is that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING. This rule applies tenfold in the case of children.

So, one particular day I get on the bus to go into town. I take my seat towards the back of the bus. Far back enough to not be sat with the elderly, but not too far back to be stuck with the thugs. All is going as well as a journey in a clapped out stinking bus can possibly go, when the child from hell jumps aboard with his fat arsed chav mother. They sit in the gap thats designed for the elderly and the crippled in the standard display of selfish procrastinating lazyarsed effortless behaviour that you now seem to expect from the tax swallowing handout dependent wasters that are the chav class. The mother opens a family bag of doritos, and proceeds to munch her way to an early grave, while satans fart stands on his seat and starts pressing the bell over and over...and over again.

This went on for about 10 minutes, and I could see everyone on the bus becoming restless as they all got closer and closer to a total nervous breakdown. And then, something incredible happened. Something so extraordinary, noone saw it coming... The mother actually did some parenting.

"IF YOU TOUCH THAT BELL ONE MORE FUCKING TIME WE'RE GOING HOME YOU LITTLE SHIT!" she bellowed menacingly at the perfectly described "little shit". The child immediatly stopped, looking shocked and upset but kept his hand near the button mostly for balance. And so, the perfect opportunity for vengeance had shown itself.

With a quick glance at the mother to make sure she wasn't looking at either me or the demon spawn, I reached up and rang the bell in quick succession. The mother glared at the child, his hand still over his button, and with wails of protest she picked him up, and marched off of the bus screaming at him that he was no longer going to the zoo.
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 0:48, More)

» Mistaken Identity

Mistaken Identity
I was once at a foam party at a club in Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wondered drukardly further into the depths to see if I could find a bar. As I stood gathering my surroundings and wondering where the hell I was I felt a pair of hands pull my shorts down a little, shortly followed by swollen member being thrust into the mouth of a girl who really knew what she was doing.

And so, thats where I remained for an undisclosed amount of time, after which she stood up looking rather pleased with her handy work. That is until she realised I wasn't her boyfriend who she'd been waiting for, and who had the same excellent taste in shorts as I did.
(Thu 31st May 2007, 15:50, More)

» Cheap Tat

Two Of My Best Friends Are Identical Twins...
Now, after completing his degree one of these twins (who we shall call Ben, for that is his name) went travelling around the world, whilst the other (who we shall call Danny for a similar reason) stayed at home. And so, around 10 months ago he planned his trip. He would set off for South America, where he would spend a few months travelling from country to country before carrying on to Asia where he would fly to Japan for a while with the aim of finishing in Taiwan for one week before flying home. Everything had been planned and budgeted for. He had had all of the correct injections and immunisations and got all the right equipment, and so it was with an eager anticipation that he set off on his travels.

However, upon arriving in South America he realised that things were a lot cheaper than he had anticipated. Infact, by staying off the main tourist routes and staying in cheap hostels he soon realised that his trip wasn't going to be nearly as expensive as he'd alotted for. Indeed the single most expensive things were the regular trips to Internet Cafe's to keep in contact with everyone at home. And things remained that way all the way to Japan where he found himself in a sea of cheap consumer and electronic goods, with enough money left over to get whatever the hell he felt like.

Noticing how cheap everything seemed to be, and the veritable plethora of choice available he decided to go online and ask his brother if he wanted to bring anything back for him, and after careful consideration Danny settled in typical style on... Japanese porn. It was agreed that Ben would buy the porn, and that Danny would give him the money for it when Ben got back in the country.

And so the splurge began. He bought a digital camera that was twice the spec that you'de get over here for the same price. He bought an Optimus Prime with little magnets in the fingers so that it would grip its gun when you put it in its hand. He bought a digital video camera, a mini hard-drive the size of a credit card and so it goes on. But despite this, he still had a lot of spare cash to go to Taiwan with. And so, after spending month after month in little shitty hostels, he decided to go out with a bang and booked himself into the most expensive hotel he could afford for the last week.

Now, just like in a film, we cut to Danny's porn:

Once back in the country Ben had charged Danny the princely sum of 50p for said porn, that unlike most had not come in a case as such, but instead in a plastic wallet. Nor had it got a title on the disk itself. But Ben had said he'd bought it from a street vender, since it was cheaper and so nothing more was thought about it. And so, Danny set himself up. Disk in the DVD player...check, knob in hand...check, play button pressed...check. And so, he settled down to a good old wanking session. The quality wasn't top notch, and he could see his reflection in the screen, but it'd do for 50p. Soon his boy custards would be flowing. That is until about 10 minutes in... when he realised that he wasn't wearing any jeans...but his reflection was!

Turns out that Ben had totally forgotten about the porn until the last night in Taiwan, and rather than admitting to this, had decided to use his new video camera to film the hotel porn from the TV. Little did he know however that the camera had picked up his reflection from the screen when he had decided to watch it himself, and so for a good ten minutes Danny had been watching a porno of his own brother merrily tossing away. And that was the worst 50p he'd ever spent.
(Fri 4th Jan 2008, 16:31, More)

» Going Too Far

Way too far (its long but worth it)
One of my mates occasionally has too many when we go to the pub, and rather than leave his car there, has the nasty habit of driving home trolleyed. One night he did it when I was staying at his, and to this day he swears he'll never do it again.

You see, the next morning after a heavy session at the local he was still in bed nursing the mother of all hangovers. I'd got up a few hours before him due to my not being totally wankered the night before, and happened to catch the local news. It turned out that some old duffer had been knocked over and killed by a hit and run driver the night before. Well...the opportunity was just too tempting.

So with a spring in my step I almost ran down to the town center. I had three stops on my list:
The butchers (Pigs hearts a free if you ask nicely)
The hairdressers (They look at you funny but they'll give you a bit of hair if you ask)
The Off-Licence (You still have to buy a local paper)

So back I go to his house. The coast is clear. Good. No going back now. After little more than 2 minutes my master piece is ready for action. The corner of his car looks like an Iraqi. Its doused in pig blood and little bits of flesh and hair, and the headlight is smashed. I paused a bit before smashing it, but decided that it would make it look more real, and wouldn't cost too much to replace.

An hour later up he gets, still half asleep. He glances at the perfectly placed paper but thinks nothing of it. Then about half-an-hour later he goes out to his car. The look of slow realisation dawning on his face has he realised what must have happened was absolutely priceless, and worth any amount that the headlight would cost.

Then it reached a new height of funny for me. He started almost crying saying that he'd have to turn himself in. At this point most people would have stopped, but not me...no way.
I offered to go with him, and let him get all the way to the front door of the police station before I told him the truth.
(Wed 15th Nov 2006, 16:27, More)