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[challenge entry] Back to Basics
Seeing as skiing in Germany is soon to be off the available career options...


From the YESTOAV vs NOTOAV challenge. See all 114 entries (closed)

(philip normal, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 13:51, archived)
# He really is deliberately made up to look like a real-life version of Action Man, isn't he?
I reckon if you turn him around you'll find a switch on the back of his head that makes him to the "Eagle eye" action.
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 13:57, archived)
# His 'Gripping Hands'
make him very popular with the laydeez.
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 13:58, archived)
# Or at least if not "very popular"
"unassailable"
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:01, archived)
# Shame his blue swimming trunks are bonded to his skin
(I helped save b3ta! Monsieur Monster I heard Seriously talk the first time. in here., Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:37, archived)
# 'cos I'm Mister Briiiiightsiiiide
(I helped save b3ta! Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:27, archived)
# Did he buy those sunglasses in Hoxton?
/kill all hipsters blog
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:02, archived)
# He picked them up
whilst running over single speed cyclists in his tank
(I helped save b3ta! Monsieur Monster I heard Seriously talk the first time. in here., Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:05, archived)
# To be fair
Running over any cyclist in a tank is an honourable and worthy thing to do - single speed or no.
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:07, archived)
# There is not, nor will there ever be, an excuse for a fixie bike.
Other than to broadcast, beyond peradventure, to the world that one is an unholy arsehead.
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:10, archived)
# "I like this"
Spent a most entertaining afternoon the other day reading posts by cyclists explaining why they should not only be allowed to jump red lights, but also how if they hit a pedestrian it's the pedestrian's fault in the first place. I'd quite happily crush the entire lot beneath articulated tank treads, then reverse over their twitching, lycra-clad bodies.

Incidentally, cyclist hatred seems very fashionable these days. Isn't it about time you switched sides?
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:19, archived)
# Does it help that I used to be a cyclist until I got run over by a tank?
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:20, archived)
# I ride my bike far more often than I drive, as I don't have a car
...which means nothing to these people. As soon as you make the slightest suggestion that they should take some sort of responsibility for hurtling around on an oversized child's toy, they scream bloody murder: "Car drivers are mean! Cabbies are mean! White van drivers try to kill us on a daily basis! Therefore we should have carte blanche to run down pedestrians as we like, because cycling is the greenest form of transport!"

/argument condensed for the sake of clarity
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:27, archived)
# Indeed. If you can't hack the behaviour of other road users
Don't use it.
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:28, archived)
# No no no, you just don't understand
Car, van and lorry drivers make the road unsafe for cyclists, that's why they have to jump red lights and make crossings unsafe for pedestrians

It's their god-given right. Because cycling is green.
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:34, archived)
# One of the tossers actually called me a cunt cos I was waiting at a red light
Grrr!
(I helped save b3ta! Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:29, archived)
# While using a pelican crossing on the green man this morning
I still had to dodge some dippy bint who was far too important to stop at a red light

Though of course that would be my fault, for having the temerity to be a pedestrian
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:31, archived)
# Clothes line em!
(I helped save b3ta! Monsieur Monster I heard Seriously talk the first time. in here., Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:34, archived)
# If the weather had been "changeable"
I would have had my trusty long umbrella with me, which is perfect for spokes

Sadly it was nice and sunny today, so I only had a pair of shades :(
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:36, archived)
# Playing cards in the spokes on me BMX were good...
Try playing cards to the FACE
(I helped save b3ta! Monsieur Monster I heard Seriously talk the first time. in here., Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:42, archived)
# I used to have playing card on the spokes of my bike.
* Brrroooooommmmm....

I also use to lean out of the passenger window of my mates car and give cyclists a dead leg as we drove past...

^ True story
(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:51, archived)
# Seen this one?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=81oPQ4TZLEQ&feature=related
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:52, archived)
# No that's going to hurt in the morning...
(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:56, archived)
# Coke can to the back of the head.
Preferrably full.
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:33, archived)
# i cycled for ages in london
while at college there, i only ever had one incident of a car being idiotic.

i also had a ticket from a police man for standing on my pedal and scooting my bike along the pavement outside liverpool street station.

the cunt.
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:43, archived)
# I get to cycle across Archway junction
which has to be about the most dangerous bit of road for a cyclist within the M25, but I find as long as you've got a sense of awareness and you signal clearly to the other traffic, even white vans will let you through when you need to change lanes.

You were well unlucky to get a cycling ticket though, that's almost unheard of. My missus got stopped by a copper for jumping a red light a while back, but she just cried at him until he let her off
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:50, archived)
# They're busting cyclists quite a lot in central, because cyclists are a bunch of absolute wankers.
I actually heard one protesting at a copper the other day "Oh come on it's not like it's a real crime, is it?!" the twat.
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:56, archived)
# i paid the fine
and wrote a letter of complaint to his commanding officer stating that the ticket clearly indicated that it was a motoring vehicle ticket and that i thought the officers actions were heavy handed and over the top and lodged an official complaint against the officer.

i never did get the fine back, but hopefully pissed fo the officer and any promotion that he may have been up for.
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:12, archived)
# As long as it stopped you cycling on a pedestrian area, or jumping red lights, then it's OK.
What the name of the type of ticket was is irrelevent.
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:19, archived)
# ^ What she said
(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:47, archived)
# A Vagabond... a couple of scenarios.
Pedestrian crossing on red man, hit by cyclist going through green light. Where does the fault lie? How about when both the pedestrian and the cyclist are on a red light? My friend was hit on his bike last week by a taxi driver going through a red light. Is it possible that a small percentage of human beings are willing to risk going through a red light, whatever type of transport they're using? That your hatred of cyclists is perhaps a teeny bit irrational?

Here is an indisputable fact for you: If overnight, 50% of road traffic was suddenly bikes, everyone would be safer; the pedestrians, the remaining car drivers and the cyclists alike. Admittedly, they wouldn't be as safe as if those 50% had become pedestrians, but even if a small percentage of the cyclists ran red lights the roads would still be safer than they are now. It is basic physics that cars are heavy and move fast whereas bikes are light and move relatively slowly, that is why there should be different rules (or shall we just have the same set of rules from everything from a microscooter to a supertanker?).

The car drivers would also get to work quicker (therefore becoming less stressed) and they might not feel the need to spend the valuable third of their lives in which they don't have to work or sleep repeating Clarkson's tired patter about cyclists, speed cameras, the speed limit, etc etc. The world would be a better place. Just admit it.
(Pete_G, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:50, archived)
# If, overnight, 50% of road traffic were suddenly bikes
That would be the day I bought a tank
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:54, archived)
#
Hilarious Jeremy. Don't blow all the good material before the next series though.
(Pete_G, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:57, archived)
# I don't know if you're talking to me or replying to yourself
but your tired, tired, tired moaning about "car drivers" and Jeremy Clarkson is a complete load of arse. See above - I ride a bicycle, I don't own a car and yet I *still* think that the majority of London cyclists should be ground down into some sort of soothing pink powder to ease the discomfort of sweaty testicles.
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:03, archived)
# If, overnight, 50% of road traffic were suddenly bikes
Think about all the dead legs I could give out!

* Also, the motorbike test is a load harder than a car test because they are 'More Dangerous'. Having said that a major percentage of motor bike accidents are cause by twat car, van, truck and bus drivers (and the odd Badger)
(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:04, archived)
# So ... because someone else broke the law, it's OK for you to?
I see. So because I was mugged, it's OK for me to burgle someone?

FFS give it a rest - if you can't handle the road you shouldn't be on it - end of story.

If a pedestrian crosses on a red man and you hit him it's still your fault, because the pedestrian has right of way always, except on the motorway.

You'd know that if you'd ever read the highway code.

The world would be a better place if everyone laid down their arms and planted flowers in the barrels of all the guns.
(I helped save b3ta! Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:15, archived)
# Hahahahaha
the highway code doesn't apply to cyclists!

silly Vagabond
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:20, archived)
# What is
this then?
(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:27, archived)
# Reading through the 'Advanced Hand Signals' section, I was surprised to see this!
* Although I have been known to use this.

(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:47, archived)
# Why is it always WOO in your responses?
(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:25, archived)
#
sorry, where in my post did I suggest I run red lights? I'm saying that there should be a bit of proportion in the punishment. Currently, a pedestrian who runs across a junction gets a dressing down if caught. A cyclist might get a ticket, and a car driver might lose their license. Makes sense. Leave the law like that. I'm in no way arguing that cyclists are above the law, but it's just common sense that a car with momentum 1000kg *10m/s=10000kgm/s can do more damage than a bike with 75kg*5m/s =375kgm/s, so you should have correspondingly severe rules for breaking the rules. Or would you favour a Saudi system of punishment for everything else as well as cycling misdemeanours? No shades of grey, you're either on the side of good and righteousness or you aren't. Off with your hand.

Also, you can't possibly be suggesting that no car drivers or pedestrians behave badly in London can you emvee? Some people are dicks, get used to it. You notice them and the good cyclists blend into the scenery (or don't, because they have lots of flashing lights and hi vis on, but you get my point).
(Pete_G, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:40, archived)
# *re-iterates point about pedestrians having right of way*
though I did see a cyclist the other day jump off his bike at the crossroads, walk it across the red light and then remount on the other side...none of which I have a problem with
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 17:11, archived)
# I don't drive, I cycle every day, yet I agree with this.
There are far too many wankers about, on both four wheels AND two.

And I'll willingly include myself in with this, I'm not above criticism. The only thing I CAN say with honesty is that I've never run a light, gone on the path, or gone on the wrong side of the road, all of which I see morons doing just about every day, whilst screeching invective at motorists who get justifiably annoyed at this quite suicidal behaviour.
(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:41, archived)
# ^ all of this
well said, sir
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 17:02, archived)
# Arf!
Good work, that man!
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:07, archived)
# As a self-righteous cyclist, I agree with all of the above ^
(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 15:22, archived)
# *Runs to Colchester*
(I helped save b3ta! Monsieur Monster I heard Seriously talk the first time. in here., Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:04, archived)
# is as explosive diahorrea is to Essex
(I helped save b3ta! Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:34, archived)
# verbal or poo?
(I helped save b3ta! Monsieur Monster I heard Seriously talk the first time. in here., Wed 20 Apr 2011, 14:35, archived)
# I live in Colchester
I've not had him though
(I helped save b3ta! Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:22, archived)