Bloke at work makes those cheap chinese noodles from a packet
He cracks them into a bowl, sprinkles on the powder and the meagre drops of flavouring oil, then adds water from the kettle. He gingerly picks up the piping hot bowl from the office kitchen and carries it carefully, like a newborn babe, to his desk.

What follows next is the revolting cacophony of a drowning pig.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP as he shovels the cheapest of meals into his puckered mouth.

After three mouthfuls, the steam and chili oil will have made his nose run.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. HHHRRROOOOINK as he sniffs the nasal mucus back down his throat.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP.
HHHRRROOOOINK.
SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP.
HHHRRROOOOINK.
KLATTERKLATTERKLATTER goes the metal spoon, scraping gracelessly against the bottom of the bowl as he scoops up the last powdery water and noodle fragments.

MMMTAAHHHH! he'll exclaim, smacking his lips loudly in satisfaction at such a flavoursome meal. By which time, the entire office is glaring daggers at him. Every. Fucking. Day.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 8:56, 11 replies)

Can I get...
"Can I get a tuna mayonnaise on brown with cucumber?"

I just wish someone would grow a pair and say something like 'sure, walk round to this side of the counter, choose yourself an apron and help yourself to all these lovely sandwich ingredients'.

Wankers
(mersault, Thu 24 Mar 2016, 13:03, 11 replies)

This appears to upset the mods immensely.

้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้----------------------------------------------------------------------------้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้้

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 21 Mar 2016, 18:40, 14 replies)

Dozer

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sat 19 Mar 2016, 19:42, 3 replies)

People who continue sniffing without blowing their nose
Sniffing is disgusting. It's also pointless: if your nose is running, then by sniffing you're just moving the mucus up... in order to come down again. Repeat the cycle.

Blow your fucking nose.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Mon 21 Mar 2016, 11:39, 4 replies)

People who say "0207" and "0208" really piss me off
There is a single telephone code for London: 020.

It has been 15 YEARS since London were split up into "central" and "outer" telephone code areas. We used to have 0171 for central London and 0181 for outer London. However 15 years ago they unified London into just one telephone code, and extended the local number to 8 digits instead of 7. For example:

(0171) xxx xxxx became (020) 7xxx xxxx
(0181) xxx xxxx became (020) 8xxx xxxx

That was for the older numbers. But nowadays London numbers may be assigned with a 7, 8 or even a 3 - ANYWHERE in London. There is no longer any geographical significance in any split. If you don't believe me, test it: from one London land-line to another, whose code is (020). You don't need to dial the 020: just start dialling the local number.

Yet still you see signs written, newspaper adverts, office workers repeating their phone number as "0208 ....".

Stupidity annoys me.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Mon 21 Mar 2016, 11:37, 11 replies)

Midges.

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 19 Mar 2016, 17:18, Reply)

Here, have a roasted pea!!!!!!!
LIST TIME!!!!!
Misuse of reflexive pronouns
Misuse of apostrophes
People who call all electronic music 'techno'
People that call hip hop 'rap'
Those fucking sofa adverts where instead of saying 'now only five hundred and ninety-nine pounds' they say 'now only five nine nine'
Homophobes
Other commuters
Whisky bores
Gingers
Metallers
Wearing scarves indoors
Wearing scarves indoors while wearing a t shirt. If you're that cold, put a fucking coat on you flid.
When faces are superimposed on apples
Tourists
Lager top
Lager louts
Little and Large
Grown ups reading kids books
Grown ups reading books aimed at teenagers. You fucking nonces.
'Comedy' accounts on B3ta
People who don't understand the word 'troll' and are in fact trolls themselves OH THE IRONING!
People who deliberately use 'teh' on the internet as an affectation
People who can't use the correct form of 'its'
People who stand on the left hand side of escalators
Referring to Rob Manuel as 'the ginger fuhrer'
Rob Manuel
Anyone that likes mass market, lowest common denominator cultural output and derides those who like more serious output as 'pretentious'
The fact that I'm an autistic virgin
Wankers
Tossers
Shits
Shites
The Irish
Richard fucking McBeef and his fucking gang of acolytes over on Off Topic. The prick.
Anyone who's ever posted on /talk
Iain Duncan Smith
Christopher shitting Biggins. The cunt.
B3ta user 'monster munch'
People that use the term 'ninja edit'
Wankers that edit their posts after the fact.
Larpers. The autistic dicks.
Sci fi fans. The smegging titfaces.
QOTW.
White wine.
Windy Pig. Yeah, and Two Hats as well. Couple of bent flids. And I mean 'couple'.
Drimble is a wanker.
That 'paulsnake' tosser.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 22:39, 8 replies)

People who say they "make" food
Clive, from opposite the YMCA, doesn't "make" the noodles. He cooks the noodles. Doris, from number 34, who works in the noodle factory, makes the noodles.

I hear someone say "I'm making pasta", and I'm thinking, wow, there's a frood who has a proper rolling-out-thin device, and possibly even a mill. But no. The daft chump has just managed to boil some water all by himself.

It's quite clear: the words are spelt differently, and they mean different things.

And nobody fucking fixes the fucking noodles. They weren't broken.
(BrontoChorusBob, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 21:32, 3 replies)

Skeletons
No adult should say Skelingtons. Apparently that is not all.
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 20:56, Reply)

Can you say 'New'?
NEW

Can you say 'Clear'?

CLEAR

Now put them together to form the word 'Nuclear'

NEW-KEW-LAR

This abomination is now so prevalent that it's on the point of being accepted as correct (e.g. www.merriam-webster.com/help/faq-february-nuclear-pronounce)
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 17:56, 1 reply)

Over zealous mods banning enthusiastic new posters.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 4 Apr 2016, 11:14, 7 replies)

╔═════════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ════════════════╗
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Repost this if ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ you are a beautiful strong black woman ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ who don’t need no man ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
╚═════════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ════════════════╝

( $$ ✅, Fri 1 Apr 2016, 17:44, 4 replies)

So
So, whoever started everyone off saying "so" at the beginning of every fucking sentence should be shot. It was probably some twat on Radio 4.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 25 Mar 2016, 11:44, 8 replies)

Dry
anal
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 24 Mar 2016, 15:12, 4 replies)

'This' is a 'Live photo'
No its not. It's a short video. gah!
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sun 20 Mar 2016, 14:35, 1 reply)

'Experts' who know fuck all
Case in point... my daughter's A-level photography lecturer refers to the effect where a photo fades either to white or black at the edges as a "vinaigrette".
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Sat 19 Mar 2016, 22:50, 1 reply)

People who make lists.
Especially people who make lists and then pea roast them.
(ESPF couldn't be bothered before, Sat 19 Mar 2016, 2:30, Reply)

Their there they're
How hard can it be FFS.
See also:
To, too
Specific, pacific
Of, off
And the crowning turd in the waterpipe - using wiv instead of with.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 18:48, 10 replies)

that woman on the vista print advert
the way she says "proper" does my head in!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 15:59, 11 replies)

Parking illegally
Because your laziness is more important than the law and public safety. You fucking fat prick.
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 15:57, 1 reply)

I'm a project manager
all the other project mangers use the phrase "going forward" I hate those guys and hope they all die slowly and painfully.
( Peej, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 11:53, 7 replies)

Pronouns.
People who think that a sentence that takes the form of "This is a photo of Smith and I on holiday", or "I'd appreciate it if you could email that to Jones and I" drive me up the wall.

Whether they're slightly more or less annoying than, or equally annoying to, people who would use "myself" in that sort of context is an issue upon which I change my mind fairly frequently.

Having said that, and contrarily to the letter of the question, I'm not sure whether that stuff annoys me more than it should, because it really is genuinely cretinous. I suspect my annoyance is entirely warranted.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 29 Mar 2016, 12:21, 13 replies)

When I explain a philosophical point to the dog
And she carefully studies my mouth in order to interject her tongue and lick the roof of my mouth.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 26 Mar 2016, 17:34, Reply)

People who put their entire message in the Subject line of an email
And 'Regards' in the body.
(costas, Thu 24 Mar 2016, 23:06, 1 reply)

Fucking Cyclists
Who cycle on the road when there is a perfectly good cycle path next to it. Lycra clad arseholes think that they own the road. Hopefully they will be introduced to the tires of a HGV that they are too entitled to get out of the way of.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 23 Mar 2016, 11:34, 24 replies)

Indicate
Wankers who do not know when they should use their indicators. Here's the clue - every time you are not following the road / cross a white line.
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 22 Mar 2016, 9:33, 9 replies)

It raellly annnoyz me
[ominivoox notwithstanding]

when cunts call that time travelling cunt 'Doctor Who' - GHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!

DOCTOR WHO IS THE NAME OF THE PROGRAMME! THE CHARACTERS NAME IS THE DOCTOR!

MUNGUBURUGHUWHUGHABRUGHHHGHGHHHGHGHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SPLTHRRSSPSPPSPSPPSPPTHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHUAAAAA!

Get it right poeple!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 21 Mar 2016, 21:56, 21 replies)

I work with this Korean bloke
In a small office, and at least three times (but generally more), he makes a sound like a boomerang is being thrown through the air. Why? He doesn't say. It was funny at first, but now it's become like a Japanese water torture method. Just shut up for fucks sake! As if the job wasn't bad enough!
(Turgidtank willing to learn since, Mon 21 Mar 2016, 17:00, Reply)