Student lets
The letting agency I was with a few years ago was quite keen on sending us emails about breaches of the tenancy agreement. The first mail we got was within weeks of moving in, informing us that there had been a noise complaint against the block of flats and consequently we would be having £50 deducted from our deposits (punitive contract terms anyone?). We wrote back informing them that the noise was coming from one of the neighbouring flats and that they should be more careful who they send complaint emails to in future. They said that as we are all in the same building we would all get the email. We then got an email about rubbish bins not being put out, about incorrect recycling, etc.

All a low-level of annoyance, however a few months later we got an email about the fire alarm being set off at 1am on a sunday morning and an engineer being called out. There were also broken smoke detectors and the break-glass alarm button in a neighbouring flat had been broken. We informed the letting agency that we had no information on who exactly caused this, neither are we under any obligation to provide this information, as our contractual relationship with the landlord does not extend to enforcing their agreements with third parties. The email was ignored.

That's when I had the idea, I didn't want to get the inevitable deductions for the communal areas as well as the ones we deserved, so when it came around to moving out time I staggered home drunk one evening and took pictures of the wheelie-bins lying around overflowing with rubbish. I attached a strongly worded email, written mostly by large amounts of cider:


Hello,

I am one of the residents of Flat D, Whatever Mews. I'd like to draw your
attention to the negligent behaviour of my neighbours regarding the
rubbish bin collection. Despite your frequent emails regarding bristol
city tips, I arrived home this evening and noticed that not a single bin
had been put out by 2330. As I am currently the only person in my flat,
I had only 1 bin bag to put out, but was unable to do so because of the
over-full bins and un-binned bags lying around the entrance to the
tenancy.

See photographs at blahblahblah.com/blah

I intend to attempt to organise the remaining bags into the bins when
emptied tomorrow, even though this is not my responsibility.

When I moved in here I did not expect to play nanny for the mews; I did
not expect to have to clear the fire alarm twice a day for months and
get nothing but blank looks when I followed your procedure of checking
the flat concerned for fire. I did not expect to clear up rubbish from
the courtyard left by erasmus parties. I did not expect to be threatened
with money being illegally deducted from my deposit for damage done to
neighbouring properties. I did not expect to receive a written warning
regarding noise levels due to the actions of my neighbours.

I am not in a joint tenancy agreement with anyone but my fellow
residents of flat D, I do not take responsibility for their actions in
the same way I don't take responsibility for the actions of the
residents of any other property in Bristol. Please consider this a
complaint regarding the conduct of your clients in adjacent properties.

I am sorry for the tone of this email, but I'm sure you can understand
my frustration as much as if this had come from any other local
resident.

I look forward to receiving your itemised deposit deductions (if any)
within 10 days of vacating the property.

Yours,

Ungersven


PS: There has been some (apparently deliberate) damage to the hallway of
flats 3/4/8, behind the door when open. A large cross has been scoured
into the paintwork. I didn't think this warranted a 2nd email.

The deposit was returned in full, including the money that should have been deducted for lost keys and late payment of rent. And that cross I drew.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 14:49, 5 replies)

Not me - but makes you think
I did a course at work many moons ago and the chap who ran it told us about the time he bought something in Comets that did not have a plug attached.

As the law stating that all new electrical goods had to have a plug was only a very short time away from becoming legal, he requested a free plug and was turned down. He explained to them what his job was and asked them to reconsider and was turned down. He pointed out that the incident would be repeated at every opportunity to several people at least twice a week and was still turned down. This was all repeated to the manager and was still refused a free, less than 25p, plug.

The guy went on to tell us that he runs two courses a week on average over 40 weeks a year, sometimes more. Each course has an average of fifteen attendees. The above incident had occurred some five years before.On every course he has recounted the same story. Statistically, complaint stories are repeated 8/10 times by the listeners but I have probably repeated it more like a hundred times.

To that time the guy must have recounted this incident to 5,000 people and many more since and I wonder how many others have passed this on too?

All for the want of a plug.
.
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 14:08, 4 replies)

Dear British Airways,
I wish to complain about your misleading claim to visit "every major location in the globe."

It may be the case, as your telephone operator repeatedly assured me, that your planes fly to Paradise.

However, there appear to be no flights to me.

Yours Sincerely,
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 13:03, 7 replies)

University Challenge
A couple of weeks ago, Paxman asked a question on University Challenge. It went something like this:

Paxo: Known for his modern versions of classical myths, which French dramatist wrote the plays Antigone, Médea and La Machine Infernale?

Student: Jean Anouilh

Paxo: Correct.

Now I'm sorry, but no. Anouilh wrote Antigone and Médea, but Cocteau wrote La Machine Infernale. In fact, Cocteau also wrote a version of Antigone, so that answer would be equally valid (which is to say, invalid).

I felt so petty after complaining, but a four-year French degree has to be good for something, right?
( Pretender, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 12:25, 1 reply)

TXUI Energy
A few years ago, I bought my first house with my (now ex) girlfriend. Being sensible about bills, we did an internet search to find the cheapest utility suppliers. By far the cheapest electric was an american owned outfit, TXUI energy. So logically, we opted to go with them.
We duly set up direct debits and payment plans and assumed all would be taken care of.
Then our first bill plopped onto the mat. It was late - 3 months late to be precise. Upon opening it I was slightly taken aback by the amount they had taken out of my account, and that they had billed us quarterly (instead of monthly) and estimated our usage based on the energy usage of the USA instead of the readings we had phoned in to their automated system. Cue first phone call. Explained everything to the very helpful person on the end of the phone, and they assured me that everything would be sorted. On top of that, they promised me a cheque for £25 by way of an apology.
Assuming all was sorted, forgot about it. Then 3 months later, our next bill arrived. And it would appear that I hadn't made the phone call as nothing had changed. Cue another call, end result being the same - our account would be sorted and here, have £25 as way of saying sorry. Brilliant thinks I, £50 so far, which has gone some way to paying for our electricity.
3 months later, we recieved our next bill. And guess what..? Same situation. So I call them up again, they are all apologies and here, have £25 as way of an apology. Ok... Week later, a letter from TXUI appears. It contains a cheque. For £20, and a note saying sorry for all the inconveinience. Hang on, thinks me. They said £25... So I called them up and explained the situation and that they had promised £25 compensation but sent £20. Oh dear says them, please accept our apologies and we will mail the other £5. Week later, another letter arrives. Inside was a letter saying sorry for the mistake, a cheque for £5 - and a cheque for £25 to apologise for sending the wrong amount!
And then our next bill arrived... Again, billed quarterly, again with an estimated reading...
Yes, it was a hassle having to call them up all the time to complain, but because I had to - coupled with their absurdly generous compensation policy - we never actually paid for any electricity in the three years we lived in that house, and actually ended up with them paying us for using their electric!
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Catalogues
I bought a couple of bikes for my children from a catalogue several years ago. Very cheap and shoddily made, but at the time I was very skint.

The bikes arrived a week or so later - one was the wrong size and far too small for my son, my daughter's bike had broken brake levers. I rang the catalogue and advised them of this and they promised to send a van to collect the bikes and send me replacements.

The replacements duly arrived - one of had a torn saddle, the other had broken parts.

The van to collect the first bikes arrived a day or so later. The driver advised that since the bikes werent boxed he'd have to come back with a bigger, transit sized, van.

I rang the catalogue again and told them of this, and of the broken bike (pedals this time). They promised to send out more bikes and send a bigger van to collect the broken/small ones. I told them not to bother sending any more bikes, and to come and collect all four of their cheap crap machines. This they promised to do.

The following week a van arrived. Same driver, same van. He looked at the bikes and told me that as they werent boxed he wouldnt be able to take them, and would have to return with a bigger van.

Again I rang the catalogue and told them to send a bigger van. This they promised to do.

The following week a van arrived. Same driver, same van. He looked at the bikes and told me.. etc.

Again I rang the catalogue and told them.. etc

I didnt hear from them again until a month or so later when they started writing nasty letters asking for payment for four bikes. I rang and told them that I was still waiting for the bikes to be collected. They promised to send out a van to collect.

Another couple of months go by. They start threatening further action if I don't pay up. I ignore it, Ive asked enough times for a van and Im not going to waste money on phonecalls to them any longer.

More letters, more threats. Eventually I write a letter to them.

Dear Sirs

I have now been storing four bicycles for you for several months following your failure to collect your property, despite many assurances from you that you would send a van to collect them.

I am not prepared to continue storing these items for you indefinitely, and thus hereby give notice that as from next Monday storage of these items will start to incur charges at the rate of £10 per bicycle per week. This charge will continue until all of the bicycles are collected by you (in a suitably sized van).

Yours etc

I receive a letter where they apologise for not collecting the bikes and assuring me that they would send someone out to collect them that week.

A few days later they sent a van. Same van, same driver. He tells me he can't take the bikes as they arent boxed, and he'll need a bigger van.

I thought I'd heard the last of them, but no. Several months later I receive a very nasty letter from the catalogue asking for payment, or else..

I reply with an invoice for several hundred pounds - more than the actual cost of the bikes - sending them a copy of my previous letter.

I never heard from them again.

Got £100 for all four bikes when I sold them.
(Freakmandu, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 7:48, 4 replies)

First it giveth then it taketh away
Ah, the Student Loans Company. The lovely people who provide you with income whilst you try and deal with the trials, tribulations, workload and cheap beer of college bars in Oxford. And then send you statements with frighteningly large statements with too many numbers and demand repayment.

Having finished said degree and before moving out to this fair city, I decided to be a conscientious Picotee and ring them up to inform of this so they wouldn't think I was doing some sort of "leave the country to escape loan repayments" type scam. So rang up, explained that I was leaving, and no, I wasn't entirely certain what my monthly income would be, but would forward on details ASAP. Which I did, and confirmed with a phonecall. All is well, repayments are organised etc etc.

Fast forward to October. Letter arrives demanding repayment otherwise fine for delayed payment. Letter is dated a week before I received it and payment had to have been received on same day as letter sent. Phonecall #1. Explaining muppetry of expecting a letter to make it across Europe at the speed of light and also that payment has been arranged. All appears well.

Fast forward to December. Another letter, again dated a week earlier. Phonecall #2. Slightly amused phonecall explaining the geography of Europe and how a first class letter from Glasgow will not make it to Berlin in one day. And that a direct debit has been set up. Yes, explains the friendly person at the other end of line, it has.

January. Another letter. Phonecall #3. Slightly less cordial, explaining I have set up a direct debit, check records, etc etc. "Ah yes," replies SLC adviser. "The last person forgot to press the final button on the screen. We'll do that now."

Phonecall #4 was considerably more irritated when I received another letter, this time charging me £25 per letter sent out. Yes, person on other end of phone still hadn't pressed confirm.

Phonecall #5 involved my getting home from work to a letter threatening bailiffs if payment still wasn't received (again dated a week previously). I didn't even get the front door closed or my coat and shoes off before ringing Glasgow, explaing situation in great detail the situation, the costs of many phonecalls from Germany to SLC and how I would be asking for a rebate on this (funny how they grasped the geography of Europe and the concept of international correspondence when it might cost them. Yes, apparently someone had forgotten the confirm button AGAIN.

Long and short of it, I didn't get money, but I did get a letter of apology. So I guess it's a moral victory rather than a financial one.
(Picotee, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 6:34, 2 replies)

Disatisfied Customer
Five gallons of high test octane down the gas company's night deposit slot.
(Devilbabytales, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 5:50, 2 replies)

I wish to complain to Microsoft
Along the lines of:
Why in the fucking fuck do I have to turn my fucking firefuckingwall off to connect my fucking xbox 3fucking60 to my fucking laptop with media center? And why the fuck does my controller not fucking work when it does fucking connect? Do you fucks do anyfucking thing right?

Oh wait, my laptop has an hdmi slot, I'll just do that then, no lag.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 1:53, 2 replies)

Dear nieghbours
I am writing this in response to the letter I received from the landlord about my kids playing the drums till all hours in the morning.

Point 1: I do not have a drum kit, never have and I have no plans to buy one.

Point 2: I do not have any kids.

Please remind the neighbour of these facts.

Your loyal rentee Saddo.
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 1:22, 3 replies)

Back when "pay as you go" mobile phones had just been invented......
BT Cellnet ran an advert demonstrating the concept of PAYG featuring a (photoshopped) picture of a mobile phone with a coin slot in the ear piece. My mum wrote off to them and enquired about the procedure for the phone company rep to empty the phone of coins. She said she used to go out a lot as she was a carer and was never in at a fixed time, but she didn't want the phone getting too heavy when being filled up with coins for days on end as she wouldn't then be able to carry it comfortably. ould she be able to meet the guy in the street?

They wrote back and put her straight on the concept, and to prove it, they sent her a free phone and several top-ups. This was when they were retailing for several hundered pounds for even the basic models. She still has the same account, although like trigger, the handset and dialling code has changed several times!

Sometimes being naïve really pays off!
(sunray18, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 0:02, 4 replies)

The City Council
Whenever I get a parking fine from these guys i write a cheque to:
THE CATAMITES OF MAMMON without crossing it, sometimes garnished with a swastika or a badly drawn cock.

They usually get cashed.
I'm sure it brightens up folk's days on the other end.

Once though I had my cheque returned with a terse official letter, 'We cannot cash this sir".

So I fired it back, explaining that it was cashable, and an apt description that the general populace would agree with anyway.

A terser letter then came back to me and the nazi who I had 'entered into correspondence with' had crossed my cheque himself and returned it to me.

So I scribbled out the crossed bit and counter-signed it.
And sent copies of the correspondence, and a letter of complaint to the City Council. This worked. Heaps of entertainment value for all though.

yours faithfully, etc
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 23:49, 2 replies)

I had a side job moving port-o-potties to different locations.
I got fired cause some twat complained about my attitude and said I was taking the piss...
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 23:43, 1 reply)

Junk Mail
This works a treat, most of the time.

All started with HBOS - they incompetantly refused to drop me off their mailing list.

So I wrote to James Crosby, the then big cheese - abridged version here...


Dear mr crosby

Stop sending me junk. You have 28 days to comply. After that time any junk received will be charged at £25 per item

Love and kisses

Ogwen69

Write and post the letters, and make sure you log when you did so and keep a record, then start kicking off when they don't oblige. Takes a bit of time but hey, so far

HBOS £50
JCT600 £75
Santander £25
Sainsburys £25

Good luck b3tans:)
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 23:40, 4 replies)

Bloody earthquakes
Had an egg I was going to poach for breakfast, but we got hit by 7.1 earthquake and it fell off the counter and broke. I demand compensation!
(ElGranto, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 23:08, 4 replies)

Phallic logo awards
and the winner is......

got to complain about that, I nearly choked on my kit-kat laughing, made the additional error of leaving it on the screen and seeing it again while mid drag on a cigarette and ended up choking all over again.

damn you!
(SamuraiMongoose, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 22:01, Reply)

when i was in college
I complained to the student government, mainentance, judicial affairs, anyone who would listen. The water level in the toilets was just too high in the main building. My balls would just dangle in the water and you can't poo in those conditions. My complaints were never resolved.

Length? Not nearly enough to brag, I mean it was just my balls hitting the water.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 21:56, 9 replies)

Boots boots boots
This should be a work in progress but I've got to write something as I found this so difficult to believe. My son bought two pairs of expensive and cool-looking boots from a local market. The soles started laughing at him after about three weeks. He works all the hours god sends so we went today to ask about returns. I shit you not, we got the classics - he pointed out the illegal signs which say no returns after seven working days; said he was only a market trader so that was all he had to do; said he didn't know where he bought them from so there was nothing he could do. I think he may be in for a few surprises . . .
(The Jannie, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 21:41, 1 reply)

An ex-manager at our place
had a "secret" file in his briefcase containing all the tastiest and most ridiculous stuff he'd found over years of working for the organisation, which may or may not be a retail financial services provider. I think he had it as a kind of insurance policy in case he got the push.

Many of these came from a stint in customer services at head office. He showed me one of the letters which, rather than beginning "Dear Sir", started "To the most incompetent bunch of people ever gathered together in one place". Another letter wasn't actually asking for anything, just expressing how happy the customers were to have redeemed their mortgage and to be shot of us forever. In the form of a 500-word poem.
(rogerzilla, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 19:45, Reply)

Recorded request line japes
Years back our company had a dialup server with limited capcity, which was free to our customers who fitted a certain criteria. The only problem was that we had more customers than capacity, so it would've damaged our server if we let everyone connect up and browse at the same time.

So we had to come up with a solution. I know, we'll introduce a recorded message line where our customers could leave their details on a recording and when the server's contention was increased we would create an account for them and post out a Registration CD to sign up for us.

The only problem was that the server upgrade didn't take place for about 3 months after initially announcing this recording line, so loads of the CD requests were duplicate requests from the same customers wondering how fucking long it was going to take.

Among all the bitchy recordings and sniping comments one stood out; a beacon of ultimate loathing and almost b3tan type responses.

"Yeah....my name is *mutters name* and I live at *gives address*. I want one of those disks, which I've requested a few times from you."

A few seconds later, the line is still open and he continues.

"To be honest, I'm most probs never going to see one of these fucking CDs" he mutters quietly down the phone, "I've rung up 3 times and got fuck all already. Oh aye, I'm not allowed to swear down the phone aren't I? Fuck sorry. Oh, you've already got my address, lets see if you can get the Police there before my CD. We'll make it a race. To be honest though the chances of either reaching my house are next to fuck all. I really couldn't give a fuck.......I hope the monkeys eat your brains. Bye bye."

We sent him a CD instantly and kept the recording for about a month, playing it back to anyone who needed cheering up.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 18:58, Reply)

When I'm a lot older...
...I'm going to be one of those old bitter ladies who complain about anything and everything, just because I can.

If I remember correctly, it all started when I was about 17, and came across a great book called 'The Time Waster Letters' by Robin Cooper. This paperback compilation of absolutely pointless and genuinely time wasting letters entertained me to no end. Maybe it was because I was young, or maybe because I had nothing better to do, that had led me to write that complaint letter to Nestle. A letter which I will tell my children about, and my children's children, to teach them to embrace the phrase "the customer is always right". A rule which probably shouldn't have been invented because of people like me.

Unfortunately, I'll have to hunt down the letter to be able to repeat it word to word, but it went something like this...

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is The-Banana, and I am a frequent buyer of your delicious 'Nestle Honey Nut Cheerios'. Upon my last trip to the local supermarket, I had strolled down my favourite isle and located another box of your superb produce with ease. Admiring the box all the way home, I couldn't wait to tuck in to my dinner.
When I arrived home, I quickly opened the packaging by pushing my finger under the tab and sliding. However, it was only when I had finished my meal, when I was gravely distraught.
Looking around at the eye catching box, there are several pictures of 'O's, slogans for "those little 'O's", and also the name, Cheeri-'O's. However, this is clearly not the case.

Here are some examples I have found -
*Non-circular pieces of Cheerios cellataped here*

As you can see, this is a serious case of false advertising. Please correct this immediately or else I will be forced to contact The Office of Fair Trading.

Yours Sincerely,

The-Banana


I wish the response I got was worthy of a mention, but at least I got £6 in Nestle cereal vouchers.
I've gotten pretty good at complaining nowadays, last time was at o2. They won't be charging me a bill of £398.74 again any time soon.

Sorry about the length, and also please be kind =] I'm a sensitive soul.
(The-Banana, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 18:53, 1 reply)

Retard Riot
One of my favorite memories of Las Vegas regards a McDonald's restaurant that used to be located in the basement of what I recall as the Las Vegas Hilton. It was about 1986, or so. The place has since been erased to make room for casino expansion. At the time, Las Vegas was suffering a severe labor shortage and it was very difficult to staff the graveyard shifts of low-paying fast food restaurants like McDonald's. Thus, apart from the shift manager, this restaurant, like so many others, was staffed entirely by the mentally-deficient.

I was trying to get some food down there around midnight when hundreds of glitterati were released from a "Cher" concert. They came crowding in for food, and met slow service. Frustrated, they began mocking the staff. I remember one fellow dressed like a pimp, drooling and moaning with crooked arms, and limping to laughter.

Their feelings injured, the retarded staff pretended like they were, well, retarded. Slow service ground to a halt, and an ugly standoff ensued. There was lots of shouting and even an air of menace. But staff had the upper hand. Retards 1; Glitterati 0.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 18:22, 1 reply)

Dodgy tray table bags a grand
Flew down under at christmas to check out what Perth is like (been looking to move for a while). On the flight out the tray table was either constantly down or falling down.

Despite the best attempts of using multiple inflight magazines to act as a temporary prop it did stay up, until a gnats breath of turbulence caused it to fall again.

"make sure your tray tables are stowed in their upright position" easier said than done!

As well as this, being a relatively lanky streak at 6'2", using the extendible headrest is useful to catch a bit of sleep, So in preparation i slid the headrest up only for it not to stop where it should have, and come clean off the runners, and nearly into the lap of the passenger behind.

So as soon as we land and get in range of a web connection we fire off details of the above.

No response for a month, so we chase up.

No response for 2 months, so we chase up again.

Repeat until about a month ago when we get a basic letter back stating that they are investigating. Send back email thanking them and when they would be able to comment further.

Nothing again until last week when at 11pm we receive a call from the director of customer relations apologising and authorising a voucher for $1000 AUD.

$1000/Half a dozen emails = not a bad return for a bit of finger tapping.

I can only guess that not being able to stop the table was some sort of CAA issue and would interfere with the brace position or some such rule, mind you if the plane was going down then a dodgy tray table would be the least of my worries.

This is the most recent, others so far this year have been, staple in my cookie netted 20 notes of vouchers, piece of brillo pad in my lamb shank, was rewarded with my meal being free (the most expensive of the evening) plus 2 rounds of drinks (5 people in the group), and contacting the board members of BT to complain their company had ballsed up a phone number move for a restaurant client of mine leaving them with no working line on Mothers Day after explicitly stating no work to be carried out before that weekend, 2 hours later and numerous calls to and from executive office issue all resolved, and free pizzas from the restaurant in question.

None of the above involved and colourful language but when another client of mine started receiving the "Your computer has got a virus, i am from Microsoft...." cold calls I had a store of choice words stored up and took great joy and delight in using them to their fullest effect in telling the operative on the other end of the line exactly what he can do with his error reports. It made me smile thinking that this guys headset must have been smoldering with vitriolic rage after that tirade!
( Radebe, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 18:06, Reply)

YMCA
I was a member of the gym at YMCA Central in London for several years on and off. It attracts an odd mix of taxi drivers and gay men but the reason I used to go is that is it is near to where I work and is cheap. But I digress.

For a while, every few weeks or so, the entrance gate would beep and I would be called back to the desk because my membership fee hadn't been paid. They were doing something very strange with the direct debit which meant that the bank would reject it every month.

Every month, I would have to pay at the desk and fill out yet another direct debit form. This went on for months and I would have endless discussions with them where they accused me of cancelling the direct debit (no) and I would say they'd done something wrong (yes). I did eventually convince them that they had cocked it up and they would promise me that I wouldn't have to do this again. Of course, they lied and I had to go again. This went on for ages.

The final straw came when I got back from holiday to find a letter from them saying that my bank had rejected their direct debit request and would I like to call them to talk to the membership manager.

I read the letter and decided to call. I wasn't in a good mood.

I launched into a major rant, explaining what had happened (again) and how disappointed I was that this hadn't been fixed. I went on a bit and didn't notice that the bloke at the end of the line had gone rather quiet.

I accused the person in charge of direct debits of being incompetent (without realising that it was the bloke I was talking to) and then I asked him a question. I forget what it was or how I responded to his answer but the bit that lives on in my memory was that when he answered I realised he was crying.

I had made a grown man cry over the phone.

Not one of my good days, I fear.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 18:01, 1 reply)

I took a complaint call once in the office
whereas it was some dad who sounded like he was gene-spliced with Brian Blessed trying to locate his son's email address for him, as we had not "properly given it to him" in a way which would keep this customer happy.

So I apologise, all while listening to this 10 year old high-pitched spoilt little cunt of a kid shouting stuff like "You tell him dad, give it to him dad!" in the background.

So I perform a quick security check and find the address. Um...ok. I smile and make sure that the dad's got a pen and paper to jot this down.

"Ok, I got it here. It's REAL..."
"Yes...real, go on."
"ULTIMATE..."
The dad going slightly quiet, "Um...ultimate..."
"TERMINATOR..."
A disguised snigger followed by a high pitched "...terminator..."
"2000..."
That was all he could take. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! YOU STUPID LITTLE FUCK, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL, HAHAHAHA!!!!" closely followed by the sound of his son crying and running out of the room.

I wish all complaints were made to me in this manner; it would be a better world.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:28, 1 reply)

From Despair to Where?
I made the mistake of attempting to buy a Dell laptop.

I am told that by and large people have no problems with their computers: everything arrives fine, it (the computer) works straight out of the box, very rarely needs any work doing on it for a long old time etc.

If, like me, you encounter a problem at some stage it is an entirely different story. The actual problem being that the lappy never arrived.

I watched the package tracking for days after the due date - the thing had managed to make it from China to Ireland, Ireland to Birmingham, Birmingham to... umm... Still, not a problem, I'll just ring the customer helpline.

After around an hour on hold I am told that I need to speak to the delivery company instead and the helpful lady even gives me a phone number to ring. Which leads me via a somewhat circuitous route straight back into the Dell Customer Service queue. Hmmm. OK. Spoke to another, slightly less helpful man who tried the same trick, then told me I needed to wait for a bit longer until they could 'declare it missing' and refund my money or send out a new one. Dubious, I nevertheless accepted this for the time being.

The due date, needless to say came and went, prompting more phone calls to Dell's Customer Obstruction Hotline and even an attempt to use the 'IM a Customer Obstruction Representative' feature on the website. I remainined civil and understanding at all points, though even MY saintly patience was being severely tested by the time of the following exchange:

Cunt from Dell: "It says on my computer that they tried to deliver it yesterday and you weren't in."

SJD: "Err, no, I was in all day, besides which it says on the tracking that it's still in Birmingham."

CFD: "No, it was delivered yesterday but you were not in."

SJD: "So who was it delivered to then?"

CFD: "It was delivered to you, yesterday, but you were not in."

Repeat ad nauseum.

After fifteen minutes of speaking to this utter cockwrangle and barely resisting the urge to sandpaper my own face in frustration I hung up, defeated. What to do now? I can't speak to the depot in Brum, I can't get anything even close to sense out of the Dell Hold-Music Hotline, my lovely shiny laptop has vanished into the ether, presumably being held hostage by an equally invisible delivery driver.

Fuck.

The next day, with new resolve I subject myself to more crackly renditions of the Greatest Hits of Hall & Oates via premium rate phoneline and, once again, calmly sate everything that has happened. Miracle of miracles I get someone that thinks they might be able to do something, and within a mere five months I will have my money back! Result! (Well, let's face it, even being treated like a human is a result at this point)

Evetually, money back in bank account, I did what I should have done in the first place and went and got a lappy from the shops. I will never go near Dell again, and have since realised that they have a less than glittering record for customer service. All that remains is to have a little song to the tune of Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues:

I hear my laptop comin'
It's rollin' round the bend,
and I ain't seen the sunshine since I dont know when,
I'm just stuck here on the hotline, an' time keeps draggin on,
And if I speak to Dev in Mumbai, he'll insist it's not gone.

Ever since I was a young boy,
My mother taught me well,
If you buy computers then just stay away from Dell,
Oh I overclocked my hard drive, juuust to watch it fry,
But when I ring that service hotline, I hang my head and cry.

Sorry about the length, it still angries up the blood almost a year on.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:21, 10 replies)

Metal in the Pitas
One day, I bit hard into a pita sandwich, and came up with a shard of metal. The next day, I went back to the little pita shop to complain.

They were having some sort of staff meeting there when I arrived. Just a dozen hard-pressed sandwich makers fiercely angry about something management was doing. They seemed bewildered by my complaint, since it was so off whatever the topic-of-the-day was: as if I were complaining about giraffes on the sidewalk. They nodded in abstract agreement about the dangers of shrapnel in the pitas.

The place is closed now, which seems a pita.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:04, 1 reply)

Successful complaint - about me!
I'm a long-term lurker, first-time poster. This QOTW seemed a good one on which to break my silence.

Years ago I was a shift manager at a well-known eatery (fronted by a certain red-headed clown). During a long night shift, a smart arse decided to have a bit of a laugh...while lowering one of the electric shutters (which closed off part of the seating area) he popped his foot out under it and let out a cry of 'pain'.

Cue moaning about his 'terribly injured' foot. Far as I know he got a few quid out of them for it...fair play to him really. The CCTV clearly showed him sticking his foot underneath deliberately, but they didn't bother to take a copy and it got deleted!

Incidentally, complaining is a great way of getting free food. Even if the poor lackies have the time to argue with you, they almost always can't be arsed to. God knows how many free greasey treats passed through my hands...
(ThinkOfEngland, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 17:02, 1 reply)

I had to complain about a London cabbie last month.
Went out to do some shopping and got a black cab back. Some guy cut him up at the traffic lights and he pulls round and shouts through the window to the open drive's side of the other car.

'Oi mate. You got change for a fifty? Yes fifty. I thought you were such a high flier that you would.'
'Oh you're a fucking mossy. Yeah a fucking mossy. Stopping eating soon? Just having the flat bread?'
Stopping eating meat are you? Shouldn't eat meat too fucking good for yer.'
'You buy your wife [sitting in the car] for two bob? Shouldn't have married her mate. She's too fucking dark for you. Fucking mossy.'
Then grins back at me as if he'd been really clever. He continues the assault over the next hundred metres as we go down the road. To make it even worse the poor guy a child in the back seat!

I just got a reply today. The guy has been given a written warning and a perminent file in his record.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Sat 4 Sep 2010, 16:30, 7 replies)