Nintendo Wiiii
In the height of the release of the Wii Console, I couldn't get one anywhere. I therefore had to revert to Ebay.

I found one and paid over the odds for it, and yep you guessed it - the fucking thing never turned up. Cue torrents of abuse from Mrs Hoogs and what a gullible pleb I was.

After weeks of emailing this twunt I had no joy. I then thought, "I wonder if he uses MSN Messenger" - Well tickle my tits till Friday he did. However I added him under a different address and msn name.

I told him i had been given his mail address from someone on ebay, and had he any Wii's for sale. Halfway through the conversation he added a mate who dropped a right fucking bollock.

He copied and pasted the guys address in the 3 way conversation, only turned out he lived 20 miles away.

Needless to say I had my Wii and some cash after I drove to his house with 3 mates and threatened to slit his throat.

The fucking robbing cunt.

I then had him banned from ebay

Length? - ram it
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 23:05, 3 replies)

I just want to see the damn PYRAMIDS!!
...So, university is over and myself and four other souls are off travelling for a year. First stop, Egypt. We alight from the plane, and are queuing for immigration, when a nice man says "Follow me". He has an outfit, so we do, breezing past the long lines and through a little door which leads to a dingy alley. Hmmm. This man is no airport official, in fact he seems to want most of our money for a "travel plan". Somehow, he gets some, and we find ourselves bundled into a taxi (it's about midnight and VERY dark), destination who knows where. Fortuitously passing a hotel that has a mention in the Lonely Planet, we wave money so that the driver stops, and bail thinking phew! close one. Still we are seasoned travellers now, and will be suspicious. We "won't get fooled again".

It is the following morning. We work out which bus is going to the Pyramids and climb on, to be followed by a little chap. He has a word with the driver, and the few locals who are already on the bus. He pays something to each and the locals immediately get off. The bus departs. To the Pyramids? No - I can see them, Mr Driver! look! they are over there...where are you taking us??? We arrive at a camel emporium, where the aformentioned little chap informs us that the only true way to see the Pyramids is on the back of the noble beast. Fortuitously, he has some as he is the owner of said emporium (Dromodrome??). And it's a long walk back to civilisation. That'll be five camels then.

We set off. I can't help but notice that we are going in the general direction of "Away from the Pyramids" again, stopping at some featureless part of the desert, where we are invited to give as much English or US (not Egyptian, oh no) currency as we can afford to our cheerful guides, otherwise, it's a long, thirsty walk back. We pay.

We are next deposited at "the official entrance to the Pyramids". It looks like a 7x7 shed from B&Q. We pay some more. Quite a bit, I think. Colour me stupid if that perhaps wasn't the official entrance to the Pyramids after all, but some bloke in a shed with a roll of raffle tickets. I wondered where the guidebooks were.

By this time, I'm about £60 down (total annual budget £2000/365days = £5.45 day) and it's only day one.

Pyramids were crap. Luxor's much better. Karnak. Now there's a tourist attraction.
(Mousy Tongue ...Generally bemused by life..., Fri 19 Oct 2007, 22:35, Reply)

Being a Blackpool lad
The promenade is full of cons. Here is one of my favorite con game.

There are people who hand out these little laminated business cards who often say to me "You look like a tourist" which annoys me immediatly as that is incorrect.

If you talk to them, they send you in the general direction of the stall they work for, where there is a game, which consists of four balls, and a slanted piece of wood, with pins in it, where you put the balls at the top, and they fall to the bottom into seperate areas, all numbered... with all odd numbers.

This is when it starts to become quite suspicious.

You look at the prizes at the top, and all of the good prizes are numbered with odd numbers, and crappy prizes are numbered with even ones and the number of the prize you win, is made from the total from where the balls fall into (if you follow what I mean)

There is no way in a game, with an even amount of balls, which choose only odd numbers, to have a total which is an odd number.

But hey, you win a prize every time! So roll up, roll up, to my favorite seafront scam!
(Multi-Coloured Pop Shop "twat with a ukulele", Fri 19 Oct 2007, 22:25, 1 reply)

I knew a coin collector
He was dead excited when he heard there would be a new 20p coin coming out. He really wanted one. The day they came out, I got one in change at the shop. So I sold it to him. For 50p.

Turns out he'd misread the date they launched in his copy of 'Coin Collectors and Saddos Weakly' or whatever magazine coin collectors read. Yaay.

Weirdly, he wasn't even that pissed off when he found out.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 21:59, 2 replies)

I play the bonuses on online casinos
I consistently make about £250 on average each month and spend only a couple of hours doing so. The trick is knowing when to take their bonus offers and how to play them to my advantage. It's really just applied math but sometimes it feels like a con. Back at university the money was a great boost but these days I mostly carry on out of habit.

Not the most entertaining answer to this question I suppose ..
(spinoza, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 21:42, 3 replies)

First post
I must have been 13 or so. New-ish to Upper school anyway. The whole school had a sponsored something or other (I honestly can't remember what we had to do) and all the money went to Help The Aged.
It was a big deal, hundreds of kids getting sponsors for whatever it was and the one whoever raised the most money got a prize! All the kids were excited.

My Dad was a Lawyer at the time so knew lots of people with lots of money and so got me sheet-loads of sponsors. I was well chuffed. I'd got about £300 which was a lot for a kid in the '80s.

Anyway, a few weeks later all the money was counted and my teacher announced that i'd raised the most money and was given a bloody certificate of the fact. That was the prize!
I took said certificate and rammed it into my bag 'cos it was crap. We'd all been done. Bstrds.
But here's the best bit. At that point I hadn't handed in my sponsor money. It was still on my dad's shelf at home . So i told Dad what happened and he just said "don't worry Son, i'll sort it" or words to that effect.
A few weeks later we had a new car. It was a second hand Vauxhall Cavalier. And it was crap.
(not all Lawyers are rich, or honest. He now drives a bus and is much happier for it)
(Tirtingsquirtle, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 20:54, Reply)

Here's the most successful con I've ever seen...


(I think he was only convicted of a traffic violation or some such, but still... oh, and really groovy shirt collar there, Bill!)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 19 Oct 2007, 20:00, 2 replies)

Cons?
*Sits back and waits for Apeloverage to post something hilarious*
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 19:53, 2 replies)

An atrocious con indeed!
Once, I posted a truly AWESOME story in response to a qotw on a website called b3ta.com. But (and here's the con!) my wonderful witty amazing story DIDN'T make it onto the "best of" page that week!
(chase, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 18:59, 6 replies)

it must be said:
the best cons are those which go undisclosed, any revelation dishonours the grafter!
(Jazz Bloke Music has charms to soothe the savage breast, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 18:52, Reply)

In december 2006
I ordered a domain from another.com. I waited a couple of days, and tried to log into my another.com account. Wouldn't work. Submitted a "support ticket":

Dear Valued Customer

We do aplogise for the delay in replies. We are currently experienceing some major problems with Modernbill and Hardware issues. Our Technical Department is currently in the process of restoring these issues and hoping to have it it rectified before the end of the week. Once again we do aplogise for any inconvenience caused.

Please take note that Another.com was purchased by UK-2 Limited, one of the UK's biggest Web Hosting Companies. As part of the UK2 group Another.com will receive significant investment and benefit from an improved network and new systems. However, these enhancements may take several months. UK2 apologise for any disruption in service or technical problems that may arise during this period.

As a result all Another.com clients are invited to move to the established UK2 platform and benefit from FREE Web Hosting for 6 months whilst these changes are being made.

Please contact [email protected] to move your services to UK2. (Only contact UK2 if you wish to have your domain transfered to us).

So I submitted a ticket on uk2.net's site, and got this back...:

Dear sir,

Please can you submit a ticket via the another.com website in the billings queue.

This ticket system is only for UK2 customers.

Another.com will deal with your ticket quickly and sort a refund.

But this is not the correct queue.
Thank you

So I tried another.com again several times and eventually recieved this reply:

Dear sir,

I've checked through our system and the transaction and domain name are not showing up at all, they do not exist and i'm therefore not able to refund you as no money appears to have been collected.


Regards,
Technical Support Team.
Another.com

Now at this point I am considering reporting the incident as a matter of fraud, because my bank account HAD been charged £12.00, and another.com HAD NOT registered the domain for me. They claimed I wasn't even a customer. I decided to email WorldPay, the company that were managing another.com's payments, in what I expected to be a feeble attempt at recovering my funds. All this wasn't really their fault, but this is the response I recieved:


Thank you for your query.

The online store is responsible at all times for any queries relating to the payment and fulfilment of your order. Unfortunately, if you have been unable to contact the online store you have purchased from, we can only recommend that you contact your card issuer to raise a dispute and/or approach the relevant consumer rights organisation for your region for further advice.

As a Payment Service Provider we only provide online stores with the ability to accept card payments securely over the internet. We do not hold information about the goods/services you have ordered or their delivery status, and are not able to cancel your order or to provide you with a refund.

Once again I would like to thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding this matter. I can assure you that your concerns are taken seriously and as a result of your feedback, we may withdraw our services from the online store if we find it does not comply with our terms and conditions, any legal requirements for online trading and/or persistently fails to act with integrity.

Not the best result, but at least they weren't total twunts about the whole thing, and they did give me some advice.

Bottom line is:

Do not use another.com OR uk2.net. Though cheap, they are clearly a set of con artists, and will probably take your money.

Since this is already ridiculously long, I'd like to add that after searching the internet, there are other people who have had similar problems, and some have been duped for a lot more than £12...

Many Apologies for Length.
( FreudianSlap, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 18:09, 1 reply)

Nice one, Bush
How 'bout this for the Supreme Con: The guys from the Minnesota National Guard* are the longest serving unit in Iraq. They were ordered to come home when they'd been there a total of 729 days.

Amazingly enough, the cutoff for higher benefits 730 days! Oh, sorry guys, one day short. Cue sad trombone sound: Wahnt, wahnt, wahnt, waaaaaahnt.

WHAT FOLLOWS IS MORE OF A RANT THAN A JOKE, SKIP AT YOUR LEISURE

Benefits in dispute? WHAT BENEFITS?

If a Soldier served 730 days or more, they can then choose to make a $1,200 payment upon returning from active duty and receive $894 per month while going to school full-time. This benefit is "portable" for ten years, meaning that it is accessible after the service member leaves the military. This category of benefit is called "Chapter 30" of the Montgomery GI Bill.

If a Soldier served 729 days or less, they are entitled to the Reserved Education Assistance Program (REAP). Full-time students under REAP receive $660 per month. While the Soldiers don't have to make any payment, this benefit is not "portable" -- once military service ends, the benefit ends. This category of benefit is called "Chapter 1607" of the Montgomery GI Bill (from Blackanthem Military News)

*These guys aren't regular tough trained-at-boot-camp soldiers. They are guys like you and me who sign up to make extra money and get much smaller benefits than the ones above. They train one weekend a month and then a two weeks period per year. Think that's enough training to go into combat? Not me.
The entering service isn't the con. They go in with their eyes open and if they choose to believe a recruiter, more fool them. They know full well they might have to go into combat and yes, they are taking a gamble. Some whinge about it. Others suck it up and go. I'm not complaining about that-it's the piss poor training, the extended tours, the crap pay while they're gone (and their families might have been used to a dentist's pay, a plumber's salary, the CEO's pay, etc) the fact they may lose their job and then this. Bush is the most amazing Con Man, yet people still believe him.

My apologies to anyone who still likes Bush.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 17:53, 7 replies)

I've been conned into clicking on QOTW, thinking I was going to read some clever replies,
but it turned out to be a bunch of people making lame jokes about Maddy/religion/sex.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 17:14, 5 replies)

BT Home hub
Through the incredible ineptness that BT demonstrated when I ordered broadband I managed to recieve in total 7 BT Home Hubs, 6 Hub phones and 4 sets of Home phones as temporary solutions until they could send a hub phone.

All except 1 set went on ebay and netted me about £400, whats more work pays for my broadband on expenses! :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:55, Reply)

Ive done my share of scams
Council tax numbers, photoshoped parking tickets, bogus travel insurance claims, I even used a fake student card until I was 30. I guess the one that sticks in my mind is when I pushed it too far. I lived in a shared house in london for a few years. rather than paying bills and council tax, we put all the bills in a false name, Jack Donohue, a famous australian Bushranger. When 'Jack' had racked up the bills to an unpayable degree, he moved out and "Ben Hall", another australian bushranger moved in with a clean slate and started the process over again. It was only when we tried it on with "Ned Kelly", and happened to get a suspicious Council worker who had heard of this bushranger, and instantly sussed we were taking the piss. We cleared out in few weeks just ahead of the baliffs.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:32, 1 reply)

Crap Con
Me: Teenager. Hanging out with a mate who worked in a Computer Gaming shop. Guy comes in trying to sell a crodless phone handset and firmly given the boot. Firend who works in a Roleplaying shop down the road comes in a few minutes later pissed off cos someone had stolen the corldess phone from his shop. 1+1 and all that. Queue 2 Metal heads chasing the stupid thief down the raod and catching him outside the Police station.

Guy arrested and charged. Turns out he;s been doing this for ages, working his way down several highstreets. Stealing and selling whatever he could his hands on between shops.

He was lucky he ended up with the Police though. The guy working in the gaming shop was a bit violent at that time. Well, beating someone up so badly that they emmigrated, kind of "bit" violent.

Length? from here to the Police station.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:31, 3 replies)

My view on big issue sellers etc
They are better off than me.

When I refused to buy a copy some guy was a bit quick with his lip in my direction so I turned and said:

"I just wondered if you have a home?"
"No"
"So you don't own a house?"
"No, I'm homeless"
"So it's safe to say you're not paying off a £200k mortgage?"
"Course not!"
"You're better off than me then! Can you spare a quid?"


My view, homeless means no debts.

I owe the bank everything I'll earn for the next 25 years.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:31, 8 replies)

Boot and Maggot
Sold stolen copies of Fiesta for 2 quid a copy.

That was a 200% markup, and not bad for a couple of spotty 14 year olds taking advantage of young boys hormones and dirty minds.

It all fell apart when they went upmarket and started nicking Mayfairs from the local newsagent.
They would stuff them in a copy of the times or other broadsheet and smuggle them out of the shop therein.

However, Maggot loaded his paper with too many copies and they all fell out on his way to the till.

He apparently jumped over the ice cream freezer to avoid being caught by the irate shopkeeper.
(Vic Flange, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:29, 4 replies)

Well and truly conned, no comeback whatsoever
How?

Simple, I put £20 worth of petrol in my car this morning.

A whopping £6.00 goes to Esso, the greedy, moneygrabbing amoral oil company who are so often pilloried for profiteering.

The rest went to a certain Scottish gentleman who I didn't vote for. Even if I had voted for him, it wouldn't have been for him to rape my wallet in return for fuck all. Yet I've got to wait until 2009 before I can do anything about it and even then I'll get to choose between him and two other cunts who are all going to rape my wallet to similar degrees.

Naturally, this £14.00 surcharge is to discourage me from using my car and lower my carbon footprint and Global Warming is even more of a threat to civillisation than terrorism.

So why the blue fuck are the cunts lobbying for a new runway at Stansted Airport?

A second runway is as much use to my journey to work as a second arsehole, plus the carbon emissions of one jetplane flying to the states are greater than I'll produce in a lifetime of driving to work.

If Watchdog was ever allowed to investigate the bunch of robbing cunts in office, they'd have a field day.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:28, 10 replies)

Milton Keynes beggar
There is a beggar who used to (still does?) hang around Milton Keynes shopping centre in a wheelchair.

Plays the disabled & homeless card while selling big issue etc.

Thought you might like to know he has a house AND CAN WALK!
The wheelchair is part of the act. I was delivering the local paper and he opened the front door so I could hand it to him!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:28, 1 reply)

TRamp
I saw a hobo in San Francisco who had a sign

Running for President
Need money for labotomy

I gave him a dollar
(blondesmithp, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:26, Reply)

Silverstone GP, 1997
One stall consisted of a bloke with a large bathtub of ice and water, with lots of cans of soft drink floating in it. His sales pitch was simply, "Ice Cold Drinks!". Fair enough, but...

The Sunday of the race was a warm day and there were 100000 thirsty people there. His bathtub could only hold about 20 cans at once, which he sold within a minute or so. So they were only marginally cooler than when he put them in a minute previously. And they'd been sitting in the sun until then.

Ice cold, my arse.

Hardly a major con, but surely false advertising!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:26, 1 reply)

Extra Special Book
When I was at school I sold my moth-eared copy of a D&D manual for 2 pound more than a new one cost by telling my customer it was a special version that came with extra chapters.
(wattoo, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:24, 1 reply)

Not really conned but... meh
I fix computers to pay for my beer between lectures. One day an old woman calls me up and asks if I can fix her printer. So I drive the 15 odd miles to find that the usb cable isn't plugged in. I make that sucking of air noise that mechanics make and though to myself, 'I can't charge the old bint £40 for me to plug in a cable.'

I needed something from the job so I told her every now and then she should tap the printer with a screwdriver to release any excess buildup of printer electrons as there were quite a few there. The look on her face was as if id just told her she had the vagina of a 20 year old (she didn't).

Despite being shocked by the abundance of sub-atomic printer ions, she showed me out and then probably topped herself.

cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt cunt cunt.
(blipblop, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Big Issue Seller Outside Sainbury's, Sidney Street, Cambridge
Has anyone else noticed this bloke?
He advertises his wares with such ditties as

"Dont all rush at once"

"Come and buy one if you can find me in the crush"

"Help the homeless, you've got the money, I havent"

He may or may not be a conman, but he is a cunt.
(Vic Flange, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:13, 7 replies)

An old favourite
I promise I won't cum in your mouth...
(quantum raspberry quizzically quashing Quebecans, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 16:07, 4 replies)

Trolley Scam
It is a little known fact that a 20p is roughly the same size as a pound coin as far as unlocking a supermarket trolley is concerned.

I'm not proud.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 15:55, 4 replies)

CAMDEN COUNCIL 1990's
The London borough of Camden paid all our rent when we were signing on believing we had a 2 bed flat when it was a 4 bed flat (had big cupboards across the other 2 doorways when they visited) containing 2 x proffessional..........


...council employers.
(John Elton, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 15:50, 2 replies)