Have a pearoast.
Guinness Paul*
There's a bloke who comes in the pub where I work who, sadly, isn't the sharpest lemon in the bowl. His story is a long, dismal tale of sticking up for your rights and getting the shit kicked out of you, of head injuries and comas and drugs, both prescibed and recreational.
As a result of his condition (he's not a complete mong or anything, just a bit slow) he sees conspiracies and patterns everywhere. Everywhere.
He has, to date, showed me a blurry picture of the big cat that prowls around his workplace and only reveals itself to him (it looks like a normal cat but up really close), a mobile phone video of the UFO he saw (looks like a star to me), a photocopy of a star chart that coincides not only with the pyramids of Egypt (God, he loves Egypt) but also with the freckles on his hand, and a newspaper cutting of Tutankhamun that he kept in his wallet that got damp once. The damp has caused the ink to run and he revels in pointing out the dozen or so faces that have appeared in the smudgy mess. "Can't be coincidence, that. Look, that one looks like you!"
I heard that he only drank bottled water because "they" put fluoride in tap water, so I asked him if he brushed his teeth, and if he knew who "they" were. He showed me a picture of a ghost by way of an answer.
He is also an accidental master of what I like to call "cyclical sentences", especially after a skinful of Guinness. They go something like this:
"Drugs are weird, aren't they? Like, some of them wake you up and give you loads of energy, but others make you sleepy. And hungry, Like a cat. Cos that's all cats do, isn't it? Just lie around and sleep and eat. Except cheetahs. They're always running around. They're like athletes, except cheetahs don't need steroids cos they're naturally fast. Athletes need steroids to be as fast as cheetahs. They're all full of drugs, athletes. See, that's the weird thing about drugs, some of them wake you up, right, and give you loads of energy, but others just make you sleepy. Sleepy and hungry. Like a cat. Just lying around all day, sleeping and eating. That's all cats do. Not cheetahs though. No, cheetahs are like athletes..."
I've lost count of the times I've pointed people out to him and watched with pure, childish glee as he's wandered over and talked them into a confused, gibbering paste. I wouldn't have him any other way.

Oh, and he stinks of TCP. I often smell him before I see him.
*Name changed to protect the crazy
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 13:27, Reply)