Sheep shagging? If only.
My aunty's generally more daft than anything, but every now and then, she will come out with something that makes you think she'll soon be joining her mother on that long stroll down Dementia Drive.
A year or so ago she went on one of those short package tours to New Zealand, and on her return we were sitting through the endless slide show with running commentary, when she came out with the following line, "They don't actually walk differently in New Zealand. I had expected that you'd walk differently there."
Thinking that she was about to make a joke, albeit rather out of character, about Kiwis and their propensity for sheep shagging, she was asked to elaborate.
She got up to demonstrate what she meant.
This was not to be a sheep shagging joke after all.
My aunty attempted an imitation of the walk most famously seen done by astronauts on the moon. Yes, she seriously believed that that there was less gravity in New Zealand, and could not understand why everyone else was laughing at her.
(teff, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Fishy..
I'd like to stick up for poor Fishy, as I understand what she's on about. She's not mocking the actual mentally ill, as much as completely detesting people who think they are "wacky" and "zany" in an attempt to appear interesting. Fucking emo's.
(Apache_Rose, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 11:01, Reply)

If You Can't Beat Them, Leave Them In Blackpool.
My sister disliked me so much for being the new kid on the block, because I was an irresistibly cute ickle brother, stealing her mantle of most loved kid in the family with my bug-eyed charm. She suffered from a bout of temporary insanity and wanted rid of me at the earliest opportunity.

So there I was, with my little chubby face, sitting next to my sister in the back of the car, just about to doze asleep after a nice bottle of milk and an afternoon of happy gurgling, which made the family 'aww' like the easily-pleased fools they were.

We're parked at a set of traffic lights, we're waiting for the lights to turn green so we can head home after a wonderful day at the beach.

The light turns amber and my sister unfastens my seatbelt, opens the car door and pushes me out. I don't know how she rehearsed it, but the timing was perfect, the sounds of the deed were masked by the car's engine, which was wheezing itself into motion. I bounced out of the car and landed by the side of the road, my eyes wide as the moon, watching with a look of confusion as the car begins to pull away. If she hadn't shut the car door so loudly, she might have gotten away with it.

The grazed knee I obtained from the fall wrecked an otherwise wonderful 21st birthday.

(I was actually 2, but if a joke cliché's there, you've got to take it.)
(Master Kazoo é?, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 10:48, Reply)

Dad's Car
My dad was convinced that his car was a living thing, and even that it was scared of him. One day, the car wouldn't move off, and dad said it was because it was too frightened. It turned out he had a nervous brake down.

I'll get my coat.
(RooTheGrockle, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 10:37, Reply)

Spud
I have an uncle who sits in his house and smokes heroin all day, pausing only to spit vile brown globules of phlegm into a carrier bag-lined bin. Not crazy, perhaps, but certainly a tad foolish, no?
(Dr. Maurice Bund likes mandarins, not the oranges, the people, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 10:26, Reply)

another one
I already posted in this thread, but it occurred to me that my aunt is probably worth a mention too. She's in her 60's now, and lives in New England, and she is bat-fuck insane. From her divorce, her old job, and what she got when her folks died, she has to have a fair amount of cash - she certainly produces pricey birthday presents at random intervals. Nevertheless she lives in a shack in the woods with intermittent electricity, accompanied by a series of dogs that have it in for each other and a homicidal rooster. And to top it all she works at a drive-through window of a local MacDonalds.
(franktard, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 10:20, Reply)

Facts
There are roughly 6 and a half billion people living on planet Earth right now. Each one of those people has two parents. Each of those two parents had two parents and this number doubles each time you step back a generation, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128 and so on. That means that going back a mere 300 years will require over a thousand people to contribute genetic material to create one person in 2007.

Conversely, with each generation you step back, there are fewer people on Earth.

This means that there will come a point where the amount of people required to create you have increased to equal or surpass the amount of people alive on Earth at that position in history.

That means that every single person on Earth is your cousin, albeit distant. It also means that our gene pool is rather more shallow than people would like to think. Ergo, the human race is somewhat inbred by definition thus explaining the worrying prediliction to go nuts and all of us are related to each and every one of them.

This was a public service announcement.
( Kroney, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 10:18, Reply)

Sister Sue
Actually my Aunt Sue, but Sister Sue has a nice ring to it, and conveniently has the initials SS. Apt, I feel.

She used to bully my mum mercilessly and at one point left a dead fox in her wardrobe to scare her. It worked.

However the psychotic evil didn't really show itself until both my grandparents were on the verge of passing away. When my frail, cancer-ridden nanna dared to ask for a lift home from the hospital where she had been visiting her dying husband who had loved her all his life, she was bluntly told by Sue 'here's ten pounds, get a taxi.' I hear she ran out of money and ended up walking most of the 9 mile journey.

Although she lived a matter of minutes from my grandparents, Sue never made the effort to look after them, and when she did she would make up vicious lies about my grandad being an evil controlling bastard (he was a saint who never said a bad word about anyone and put up with my nanna's mental health issues for all their married life. A true legend.)

This reluctance to help with anything soon changed when she discovered 150,000 pounds under their floorboards. Then she was everywhere, organising my grandad's funeral, and soon enough my nan's funeral too. She demanded that both have humanist funerals, despite the fact that none of them were humanists and had recently made last-minute conversions to Christianity. Then she claimed she knew the humanist minister when she didn't just odd.

After causing my mother to have a nervous breakdown and spark off a delightful terminal illness, she receded into memory, until I turned 17, when she sent me £50 and a letter asking how I was. i wrote back, out of courtesy more than anything, and she rang me one night to let me know that there was a programme on about philosophy. On radio 4. the first i'd heard from her for 6 years. Lovely.

She then decided to cause a rift between me and my brother, mainly by sending me £100 and him only £25. She hated the fact he was about to join the army, and sent him a book called Anthem For the Doomed Youth. Delightful. This proved to be the final straw, and he wrote a fantastic letter telling her where to get off. She sent separate letters back to us, all identical (?!) and we never heard from her again.
I'm glad of it too. If the stupid bitch ever tries to contact me, she'll be hearing much the same.
Sorry for length, it's easy to rant about someone so evil.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 10:17, Reply)

I do like
the posts from the teenage girls saying they’re mum and dad are clearly insane coz they occasionally sing, dance or some sort of other madness – poor poor you.

Anyway – to break with the mad old relatives, my brother suffered what I believe defense barristers call ‘a momentary laps in judgment’ when he was 12.

He was up in a tree house, about 7-8 meters above the ground, I was down below. There was another tree house in the next tree and somebody had strung a rope tightly between the two…a tight rope, what could go wrong.

My brother who had crap co-ordination and balance, judged this to be the perfect opportunity to attempt his first ever tightrope walk. In fact he was shouting “look RoF I’m tight rope walk…” as he fell. That was the day I discover people bounce when they fall from a height and my brother started to learn to write with his left hand.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 10 Jul 2007, 9:30, Reply)

my mum
My mum got married, had kids and spent the next twenty years cooking, cleaning and washing while her life passed her by and her own personality was eroded to that of a standard wife and carer. Then, when us kids had grown up, she realised that she'd sacrificed the best years of her life for no gratitude. She's lost her looks, lost respect and become a depleted specimen of woman. Then she complained about this and got quite angry! Crazy bitch!
(frankspencer, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 9:23, Reply)

My Dad Must be Bonkers!
After all, he put his twinky in my mum's axe-wound.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 8:51, Reply)

Priorities and odd behaviour
Insane mother in law:

My wife was left as security for petrol while her mother went for money. She was 9 at the time and home was 5 minutes away.
Three hours later her mother came back. She decided to visit her mother for lunch. The attendant was getting very nervous.

She also failed to check inside a new kettle that was missing a cord and filled and boiled it using a spare cord she had. The new cord was inside the kettle. The water was green. She made coffee with it anyway.

She gave up her mood stabilising medication because she couldn't drink with it.

There are lots more crazy things but these really stand out.
(Captain Ignorant what does this button do..., Tue 10 Jul 2007, 6:32, Reply)

Great Aunt
Actually my Mum's great aunt Grace- I only vaguely remember her being around the dinner table at Christmas time when I was small and she died when I was quite young, was apparently quite a crazy old bat (my dad's words);
she used to put salt in her tea instead of coffee, and catch flies in her hands (which my dad claimed she would eat-but I think this was just an elaboration).

Also she claimed that when she was younger she was sitting in a chair by an upstairs window when during a storm, when she was struck by lightning which threw her across the room and changed th colour of all the buttons on her cardigan. (I don't know if this event is true).
(Calfderno, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 6:17, Reply)

Uncle Goof (Again!)
He drives a truck for a meat plant out in the mid-west. Primarily he drives the carcasses, once they have had the meat removed, and takes them to a 'rendering plant.'

[If you don’t know what a rendering plant is, its the place they grind up the bits that don’t make it to your butchers for various uses]

One day, they hand him his paycheck and he tried to cash it. It bounced. He was livid.

So he goes to his truck, which is COMPLETELY loaded with carcasses, and opens the two back doors and drives through Ottumwa Iowa, this small, idyllic American town, carcasses flying out the back at each sharp turn or acceleration.

He got his check. But only after spending time in the local jail and complaining about the quality of their pizza.

Thank GOD I am only related to him by marriage. That is one SHALLOW gene pool!

Cheers,
Sean
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 5:15, Reply)

Uncle Boo...erm...Uncle Richard
Also known as Uncle Dick, he was the youngest of 4 kids. My Grandfather babied him and he ended up being an absolute jackass:

Four years ago, clocking in at a whopping 750lbs, he went through gastric by-pass surgery and lost over 400 lbs. Then he started to eat...again.

He is BACK up to his 'fighting weight' and does nothing but eat all day long. A typical days intake of calories?

4-footlong Subway subs
3-bags of chips (personal sized)
4-sodas
3-packages of Twinkies

He lives on a farm. Cows have come up 'missing' and it turns out, he was selling off my Grandmothers cattle in order to feed his food habit.

He has broken FOUR toilets.

God. To think, in less than two weeks I will be seeing him out in Iowa in the midst of my ride across Iowa with Lance Armstrong to raise money in my Sister's name for the Lance Armstrong Foundation. I only hope Lance doesnt see me talking to him! :D

If anyone is interested in sponsoring me (I could use the help!) please gaz me!

Cheers!

Sean/Citadel
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 5:07, Reply)

Uncle Goof...erm...Uncle Steve
I have this Uncle that lives out in the midwestern US...Iowa to be exact. He is INSANE.

On a dare, he went over a hydro-electric dam holding onto a small log (for buoyancy) one week after a guy did the SAME EXACT thing, and died by drowning. All for a six-pack of beer.

Brilliant.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 5:00, Reply)

Heil Grandma...
My better half's grandmother was a little potty, and German. Seems she couldn't quite grasp that the war was over and Hitler was gone. Ticket inspectors sent her scurrying into her purse for her Aryan certificate and impelled her to advise the rest of the carriage/bus to do the same.
(lessmiserable, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 4:39, Reply)

Great Grandmothers count?
Long story short, she chased a much older man around the world, latched on and bled him dry. Amusingly, she never kept a penny, giving all of it to her relatives who hate her.

She came to my grandparent's wedding anniversary, dressed like something from certain 'websites'. The short skirt was better described as a belt and the top showed more of her chest than you'd ever believe, although her breasts gravitated around her waist. She spent most of that time bending over in front of the younger men picking up imaginary items, and offering to lapdance anyone who even looked in her direction.

And that did include a 14-year-old me too, who was back then, as pure as the driven snow. I had to be told just what a 'lapdance and blow job' would involve the ride home.
(InternetRed Oh gods! RUN!, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 2:33, Reply)

My nan...
My nan once took her dog Daisy out in the car to the park. On her return to the car, she got in, and looked in horror at the fact that someone had stolen her steering wheel! She then proceeded to ask Daisy (the dog) who had stolen it... Before realising she had got in to the car on the wrong side, and the steering wheel was still intact.
(applysomepressure, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 1:08, Reply)

Mine.
My family are all a bit weird to be honest.

My dad's probably the worst. When he's doing DIY you can hear him singing, but he changes the words in songs to make them rude. Which would be quite funny, but he's in the room by himself.
He also loves to dance to music in the middle of shops when i'm standing next to him.

His sister, my auntie, is also a bit mad.
She lives on her own with a few cats, is a hardcore vegan and doesn't leave the house.
She's probably in her late forties / early fifties now and has never been married, and has a few strange boyfriends. She is also weirdly health concious, and each christmas buys my mum some kind of hammer that she can smash the car window with incase she's ever in an accident.

My mum also has her moments. She'll watch repeats of Coronation Street, as she can't remember watching them the first time. It's also great shaking her in her sleep and asking her what she's doing, as she usually replies with "i'm just hanging the washing on the line..." or "i'm just making some chips..."
(LooSee, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 1:06, Reply)

Emm
I have a cousin who had a brake down a few years ago and spent his days feeding the pidgeons in one of the city parks.
He became known as the 'bird man'!!

One to disown!!!
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 0:50, Reply)

Good question
My dad's mum once opened a paper street map while we were visiting Durham and exclaimed "There's no 'you-are-here!".

My mum's mum leaves her purse in the oven.

Not too crazy, but we love 'em. Just.
(HNGTHDJ, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 23:58, Reply)

my wifes family are nuts
She has 7 sisters and 3 brothers. Tradition over here (Brazil) is that the last child is named after the mother or father, depending on sex.

The answer to the obvious question is 'they don't'. Hence there are 4 Marias and 2 Edwards amongst them.

Typical example of nuttiness - her brother (Edward, just in case you wondered) one day announced that god had told him he should build a house on the roof of the house belonging to the preacher at his church. He even went as far as to have 15 tons of brick delivered, at which point the preacher told him to fuck off.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 23:36, Reply)

my family...
... are completely stark raving bonkers. Some examples...

- My grandfather, John, had a brother called... John. Apparantly the story was that neighbours of the family died in an accident and their son was adopted as a baby by my family, but they never bothered to change his name.

- My great-grandfather managed to change the family name from Kyle to Coyle. He was absolutely guttered when he registered my Grandfather's birth and the priest couldn't make out what he was saying... so started the only line of Coyles in the family.

- The family are very musical, yet my grandfather is the only person I've ever known to play the accordian upside down and not find anything unusual about it.

- He was not the most quick witted either... after a good hour and a half of bantering back and forth with "cunny funt", "pucking fiss" and whatnot, he FINALLY worked out what we were on about and came out with the now legendary "aye, and I suppose you think thats fucking funny"... then couldn't understand why everyone was pissing themselves laughing.


My own mum is now starting to go skatty in the head and some gems from her recently include...

- Me asking for a fork to eat my dinner with when I was presented with two knifes and a teaspoon. I was handed another knife.

- Stating that one of the kids were out on the street playing "with one of those things that you put between your legs". Utterly bemused by this statement I asked for more details and she replied, "what do you call it... not a cock... no, was it a cock?"... until pointing out the window as said child goes past... on a pedal gokart.

- She burnt the mashed potatos for last week's roast beef by putting them in the oven with the roast beef, thinking it would save her time on keeping the potatos warm until deal or no deal was finished. Fair enough... except it was Friday's Deal or No Deal on VHS.

- She thinks I drive too fast in town (25-30mph), yet too slow on the motorway (normally 80-90mph). And she's afraid of country roads cos she "doesn't known where she is".


It worries my that I'm already showing traces of this mentality.
(clearasmud, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 23:09, Reply)

all
All of my relatives are yours.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 21:31, Reply)

not a relative, but relatively daft none-the-less...
I'll lay it out for you guys..

Fishy basicly said: "For pete's sake stop saying "I'm dead crazy me" because it's just annoying" , ... and the reason I'm writing here is... The response she got from a newbie (11 days and counting).

Well arn't you the pompous twat? Speaking as someone who actually has one of these "made up" mental disorders and has suffered private hell because of it, i'd have to say you don't know what the fuck your on about and you should take your own fucking advice. *chunter chunter* To summarise your a fucking twunt who doesn't know what the fuck their talking about and should really save your misanthropic bent for more deserving cunts like yourself.

Isn't that Sweet? The little retard goes to the effort of using a thesaurus to find "big" words like "misanthropic" but falls flat on his face when trying to decide upon the use of "thier/they're/there" and the similarly taxing "your/you're" dilemma... infact.. fell flat on his face when trying to understand words in a thing we like to call a "scentence".

Shame his family doesn't write here... because as he says... he clearly has a mental disorder... =)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 9 Jul 2007, 21:15, Reply)

Bindun?
My insane parents left me and my siblings in a hotel room alone while they ate at a restaurant while we were on holiday and I got snatched away by some sick fucker!

Signed,
Madeleine McCann
(ratthingbazzterd, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 20:52, Reply)

Pearl Necklace
My grandmother, treated to a wonderful pearl necklace from Florence for her 80th birthday, happens to be mad.

She was awarded the necklace.

Ten minutes later, a similarly elderly relative approached her and tried to kiss her on the cheek, via an embrace.

"GET AWAY FROM ME. YOU THIEF."
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 20:42, Reply)

My gran
is going ever so slightly mental. Last Christmas as we were all getting ready to tuck into our annual family Christmas meal, she randomly piped up with quite possibly the most random piece of information I've ever heard.
The table was laid, the family gathered, and all had far too much on there plates for them to possibly eat. Everyone commented on how delicious it looked. All apart from Gran, who instead opted for the more individualistic comment of "They found Mussolini hanging by his feet!"

She also once said she enjoyed a good funeral because "while one of you is missing, it gets all your friends and family together for a good catch up and a chin wag"
( Furness, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 20:12, Reply)

My Grandad
Lovely old racist, fervantly anti-catholic to the extent of once cornering the local councillor in the street sometime in the 60's and telling him in no uncertain terms to stop moving catholics into his street, and supporting any football team playing against Italy or Ireland (I don't think he realises that there are other catholic nations). However, his brother married a catholic & if any of his family come round it's like a visit from royalty, anyone he knows from the bookies or plays dominos with, any of my friends or my girlfriend are also exempt from this? Go figure?

Since retirement he decided that he has spent his working life getting up early so never rises till 10, the only problem with this is that he doesn't need that much sleep so has to stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning to achive this.

Spends most of the day in the bookies of in front of Channel four racing (interesting sidenote is that although he will have nothing to do with technology and doesn't understand anything invented post war it took him 5mins to figure out how to use teletext when my dad told him he could get the racing results). Spies of the guys from the chinese resaurant to the extent of digging their slips out of the bin when they lose to see how much they bet?

Any time anyone from our family travels anywhere he looks up all the bad things that can happen in that country or failing that goes on hearsay. Although a committed socialist was convinced that Fidel Castro was going to lock me up when I went to Cuba, reason JFK didn't like him. Anyone goes to spain they will get mugged, reason my gran got mugged there in the early 80's!

Sorry for the length, (insert cock joke)
(bugger-luggs, Mon 9 Jul 2007, 20:04, Reply)