Creepy but resoundingly unspooky
Creepy Jak was a bit of a creeper with clammy hands with whom I went on about three dates a few years ago. He took to showing up at my house and, if that failed, my friends' house round the corner on the off-chance I might be there; which I suppose might be construed as endearingly persistent if you're 13, but Jak was somewhere in his early twenties and claimed to have talked to ladies before. Because he lived just outside Chester and I lived in studentville, it was a fuck of a bus ride for him to stalk visit me, so I felt a kind of polite-reserved-British obligation to allow him in and offer him tea when he came round, even if I had previously been doing other, more important things (I believe there was a new Christopher Brookmyre out at the time).

If you're playing Red Flag Bingo, allow me to help you out here: he didn't drink tea (harrumph), or anything with caffeine, or indeed squash. When I first met him he told me - a propos of not very much, from what I recall - that women have it far, far better than men in this beastly modern world. He spent some time trying to convince me that in a way all religions are true ("That may be so, but I'm still an atheist." "But in a way all religions are true!"). He took me to see Rock 'n' Rolla.

So far, so vanilla; you may be assuming - as did I - that we were just monumentally unsuited and I was probably a bit intolerant of his little quirks. Fine. (He was probably a bit intolerant of my little quirks too, including as they do feminism, a preference for people to call first before they arrive on my doorstep and a marked distaste for Guy Ritchie movies.)

One evening, though, he arrived unannounced at my house as I was watching Withnail & I (it happened to have come on the telly a day or two after some Kevin Smith movie which I'd watched with the accompaniment of a carton of unspeakable cheap wine, so I was watching it with a J or two to even things up). And so - it was dark, he'd come such a long way, I was brought up to be hospitable - I invited him in and we continued watching.

If you were raised in a barn or born in the '90s and haven't seen Withnail & I, there is a scene some way into the movie in which Withnail's creepy uncle Monty, played with great finesse by Harry Potter's uncle Vernon, sneaks into Withnail's companion's room late at night and attempts to molest him. It features the immortal line "I mean to have you, even if it must be burglary."

That was the line at which Creepy Jak felt it would be most timely to make the move.

So there I am, fearing no evil, watching the attempted-gay-rape scene in a fairly enjoyable film, when this clammy hand clutches my thigh in a determined and vicelike grip. At the exact moment that Uncle Rapey announces his intention to commit rape. I suddenly realised I had to be up super-early in the morning to go to work and hustled Jak out of my house - and later, when I was feeling more composed and my friends were close by to offer manly protection, my life - instanter.

Epilogue: I found out fairly recently that Creepy Jak's version of events had us as the couple of the century for the brief few weeks of our acquaintance; all over each other all the time, frequently leaving the local rock night early to go and do The Sex (which we did quite a lot, apparently), virtually inseparable and all the rest of it. None of this is true - for one thing I worked at the local rock night, and had I left it early to go and do The Sex with some clammy-handed chauvinist cuntflap I would no doubt have been reprimanded most severely. Also, while I may have made some dubious dating choices while young and bored, I did have the common fucking sense to restrict my sexual activities to boys I knew fairly well, trusted ditto; and who didn't show up at my house unexpectedly in order to grope me at inappropriate movie moments.

Length: I never found out, but I feel justified in assuming minuscule.
(Shinigami, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 14:49, 6 replies)

I can't help but feel you were leading him on.
Three dates seems excessive to realise a complete bellend is just that -- though I suppose he may have been pretending to be normal. But not telling him you were busy and asking him to leave would just make the poor knob think he was in with a chance.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 18:02, closed)

See, that's the thing
If it had just been the vague weirdness and house invasion, I would agree with you and chalk it up to experience (note to self: don't encourage creepy boys. That is sensible advice which I do now take). But I cannot fathom a situation where, even had I pole-danced in front of him wearing nothing but a sandwich board saying 'TAKE ME NOW BIG BOY', that particular line sprang to mind as the most opportune time to begin overtures toward doing so. Similarly, even if I did inadvertently give him the impression that I would eventually sleep with him, I'm not sure pre-emptively bragging about it was entirely justified.
(Shinigami, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 15:39, closed)

prude
(ihaveab3tanamenow, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 18:20, closed)

cool story bro.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 11 Apr 2011, 18:52, closed)

I read part of the second-to-last sentence as
'trusted dildo'.
(salvadorevincent, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 15:23, closed)

Honestly, that would have been a much more sensble option.
(Shinigami, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 15:31, closed)