My mate's missus
Or at least his missus at the time. I developed a fascination for her, one which tended to rear its head when I was mashed (usually after a "Leo Sayer" on a Sunday).

Dave would then take great delight at circuit training on Monday night taking the piss about my previous night's antics, declaring undying lust etc etc

The greatest of which occurred when he had bought her some pork scratchings. Having satiated her need for pig, she discarded the bag, with it's usual collection of crumbs in the bottom.

Having had copious libation, I was hungry, so picked up the discarded bag, tore it open & used my tongue to get into the corners & eat the crumbs.

"Dave, Dave, he's licking me packet" she exclaimed.

And allegedly with perfect comic timing & the leer of a pervert in the presence of exercising teenage girls I responded

"I wish I fucking was"

'Cos I'm just that fucking classy me. Still, now he's binned her, it gives him a good story for the bar.
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 8:41, Reply)