Dirty weekend? That's what you think, mate!
Myself and the lovely sweary one have been together just over 5 years. As many will know, she has a son – Sweary Junior. Childcare is provided by her parents, SJ’s father being completely out of the picture (and frankly, dropping SJ in Greece before we head out for a few drinks is impractical, not to say expensive). And on holiday, it’s a case of sharing the same room to cut costs, and therefore there’s very little opportunity (if at all) for some ‘quality time’.

It’s only recently that Tourettes and myself have started not only having nights out, but nights away. Sometimes two nights. With friends, and without the presence of children. It’s lovely. Bliss. A chance to be adults, to swear and belch and drink and generally behave deplorably in the company of like-minded people. As I said, bliss.

However, these forays to cities far away usually end up being tinged with disappointment. Why? Well, somehow, we always seem to manage to time them just as Tourettes goes ‘off the road’, so to speak, usually with absolutely no warning at all. It’s as if her cycle deliberately sticks its fingers up at us and pokes its tongue out and says “I think I’ll be early this month”. Our last trip to Edinburgh only a few weeks ago was a case in point. Sitting in the Scotsman’s lounge, she popped to the toilet. She was gone a while, and when she came back she didn’t look happy.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“You’re not going to believe this”, she fumed, “but I’m up on blocks. Every fucking time we go away somewhere this happens…”

So, over five years together, and we’ve still never managed to have a dirty weekend. Bastard.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:34, 17 replies)

In my experience,
the ladies are gagging for it when they're on the blob. I mean, if it's a dirty weekend you're after, why not throw some blood and guts in?
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:37, closed)

Agree with ^^^
Do it anyway, all fun and games!
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:43, closed)

^That
My woman being on the blob wouldn't stop me, unless she really didn't want it at the time.
"You're not a man until you've gotten blood on your sword."
(Brigadier Arthur Charles, Mrs, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:44, closed)

@D's G
'Up on blocks' deserves a click in itself, though surely that's the best time for a servicing..?

Not that I'm agreeing with baz, that just sounds WRONG.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:44, closed)

@Mrs Brigadier
And you're not drunk 'til you've got it on your face. Story for another time really.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:45, closed)

Yeah all of these..
Just tell her its completely natural, and you aren't in the slightest bit bothered about it. If she's horny for some cock, let her have it.. she will be ten times more sensitive.
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:47, closed)

ah
Menstrual cycle!

"her cycle deliberately sticks its fingers up at us" as you were, thought you had a cyclepath on your hands there...
(Countryslicker, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:50, closed)

Am I the only guy on the planet
(apart from DG, by the looks of things) who doesn't find the idea of sex at that time remotely appealing?

Maybe it's because I've never had a girlfriend who's wanted to either.

Am I normal? Oh God!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:50, closed)

also...
it feels different in there, like shagging some other bird. I dont know the biology of it but I'm sure something moves during the bleeding process.

Talk about a dirty weekend? It's like you've got your missus permission to shag a different
pussy!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:51, closed)

Depends on your definition
of "dirty".
( HexShaped remembers when this was all fields, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 16:58, closed)

I take it she's not very regular then.
Still, sex on the blob isn't that bad.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:03, closed)

The only problem
with sex on the blob is that as you're lying there afterward, panting as the sweat dries, the other stuff starts to dry too- and it ITCHES.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:08, closed)

I'm willing to put up with a bit of gunk
for rampaging sex!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:12, closed)

Yeah, BUT......
When I'm up on blocks my blit morphs into a black pudding factory. Accompanied by fuck-off arthritic hormonal back pain. Once the black puddings have subsided, I'm left with the icky brown neither-nowt-nor-something stuff. Not appealing at all.

Now then, why is it though, that so many women, paradoxically, feel at their randiest when the proverbial painters are in? That's when animals shag - how does that work? When a bitch is in heat, she can't possibly be ovulating, so how does she get herself up the duff?

The expression missing so far is, "You're not a real sailor 'til you've sailed in The Red Sea."
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 0:31, closed)

There's always
"When the rivers red, use the dirt track instead"
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 11:57, closed)

Are contraceptive pills not an option? You continue taking the active pills through your holiday, then the white pills... well, actually, I managed to go for months without ever taking the white pills. But you get the idea.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 14:57, closed)

She tried
And just got really shitty side effects from it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 28 Jun 2008, 16:36, closed)