Oh, have a Grief Junkie tale of the sort I detest:
Apparently this is Blue Monday, the worst Monday of the year.

Yesterday my so-rocky-it's-Rocky-VI-Rocky-Balboa relationship went tits up. A steamy year of fabulous manic adventure, hot sex and hideous subconscious mind games finally imploded when a minor, trivial thing like him sending explicit messages to women online, from my phone, when I was in the room, pushed me over the edge (I would have been fine with the messages, and even the phone and the room bit, except for the fact that he used to send those dirty, filthy messages to me, but hasn't for the past month or so).

Anyway, this led to confrontation and wrangling and arguing over a much bigger picture - the picture where he claims he does not do love, or caring, or big emotions, and I refuse to stifle mine.

To keep it on topic, what have I done to fit in? Well, after about nine or ten months of sexual monogamy (and twas him insisting on the monogamy) I, in the afterglow of a particularly good bout of sheet-tangling fun and an orgasm that had me screaming like a howler monkey, said happily, "you know I care about you, don't you?". He went silent. Utterly silent. Not a word. He stayed silent for 12 hours, all through my pleading with him to speak, my ranting and my subsequent talking at him. When he did finally speak, he told me I was being sentimental. What did I do to fit in? I apologised for caring about him. I spent the next few months maintaining that I didn't care, all the while secretly, willfully caring. Bear in mind, this was not merely some fuck buddy thing where I transgressed the boundaries - this was to all intents a normal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship in everything but name.

Yesterday I whispered the words in his ear that he's always wanted to hear: "I'm not in love with you". Then I laughed really loudly and really genuinely because I meant it. I hope it burst his eardrum.



[Disclaimer: he's not a complete asshole, I just sometimes make him sound like one. There's no malice in him.]
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 10:51, 25 replies)

hmm
It still doesn't stop me wanting to cunt him in the fuck for being such a pretentious wanker, sorry.
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 10:57, closed)

Well,
had I not spent hours talking it out with him yesterday, I'd be all for cunting him in the fuck, but the truth is that he genuinely believes that showing emotions is a terrible and dangerous thing to do, and I now find that more sad than frustrating. He's going to miss out on so much in life.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:00, closed)

Hmm...
That's a bit of a rubbish view to have on things.
The reason I came off of various exciting medications was because they stopped me feeling emotions, which was horrible...

I'd rather be fucked-up than a zombie.
( Cawl, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:04, closed)

you might
but what about the rest of us?



hehehe ;)
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:05, closed)

Fuck the rest of you.
*laughs*
( Cawl, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:11, closed)

Agreed
I'm still on quite a few of the medications, but took myself off some of the numbing ones.

Fucking weird being able to punch walls and shit and feeling absolutely nothing isn't it.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:10, closed)

I'm off all of them,
Slightly against medical advice, but fuck 'em, I've not flipped out and gutted anyone and then fed 'em their own internal organs, one by one.
Yet.

But yeah, I'd rather feel shit than nothing.
( Cawl, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:26, closed)

snap.
Whereas he thinks emotions are a lack of self-control. I think he recognises the lows that follow the highs. Well, sweetheart, I'm the bipolar freak who has the market cornered on that one.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:20, closed)

Hmm...
He's not a Vulcan, is he?

*shoots self in face for geekery*
( Cawl, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:24, closed)

pah, no
He's a blues musician. He's supposed to do misery by the bucketload (where the bucket has a hole in it, and the crops have failed because of that, and his dog is dead, and whiskey and women ruined his life).
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:28, closed)

Oh...
That's rather strange...
Does his music show that he's dead inside though, or does he manage to pretend?
( Cawl, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:32, closed)

he's a great performer
I feel his pain. :)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:42, closed)

oh dear
he must have had a special time growing up to think like that then.

( still think he is an arse)
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:05, closed)

yeah
he had a pretty rotten time growing up. But hey, we all have problems, right? I didn't break him so I shouldn't have to fix him. I don't think I could. I'm not sure anyone could.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:07, closed)

life would be very boring
if everything was easy you are correct.

Oh well, better luck next time!
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:09, closed)

sucks
when the person you want is so close to the person you have but just doesn't exist.

Obviously it's a bit trite to say but completely true: you're well shot of him, on to the next thing whatever that may be.
( djtrialprice, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:02, closed)

Maybe.
I mean, yes, I always knew there was never a happy-ever-after with him, but I liked the happy-right-now. We had adventures together and that's what I will miss. He made noises about friendship and that really surprised me as I expected we'd cut our losses. I have no expectations. I'm just going to get through a week of no contact before I go to get my fishing rod from his place.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:06, closed)

*click* even though I don't like this
It's a bit too close to the bone for me. But I know exactly where you're coming from.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:09, closed)

I've said this before to you and i think you agreed
but surely his making attempts at infidelity in such a manner was sabotaging the relationship?

At least have the kindness to keep it a secret.

Cake and eating it? I'm all for it.

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:30, closed)

Aye,
t'wasn't infidelity, more Internet flirting/cybersex - but yeah, he has been going out of his way to prove he's unlovable, as if I hadn't got the message loud and clear already.

Watch you don't choke on your cake ;)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 11:40, closed)

i hope you're ok
you're putting a brave face on it, but it still hurts like hell to have to choke it all down and pretend you don't care about someone. At least you had the courage to be open about your feelings - he sounds like a total emotional retard (not really meant in an pejorative way, in fact, I feel rather sorry for the geezer.)
My advice - go and eat/drink/do a lot of things that are bad for you, and then go and have some splendid adventures on your own.
(jennymnemonic, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 12:11, closed)

Well being one of these cunts who can't show emotion I sympathise with this guy. I know theres a great possibility he is choosing to not show any emotion and hurting you for it, theres also a chance he simply can't do it.

I've been with girls and they speak about liking or loving me and I just freeze, heart starts beating fast, feel incredibly self-conscious and try and brush things off. Anything emotional like that just can't be said and I would apologise for it if I thought I was any way in control.

Alternatively he and/or I am a cunt!
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 12:32, closed)

I don't think that makes either of you cunts.
He has shown himself to be caring rather than voicing it. But he has deliberately put up a wall when it comes to pairing up with someone. He admits this himself. I would love to see him happy; I don't care who that's with, or even if it's without someone. I think it's unlikely that it will ever happen though. He also admits that.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 12:39, closed)

you should find a cannon
and see if he will fit in.
(Tibble off the crack since, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 14:55, closed)

Well...
I hear it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Appears we are two halves of the same equation.


Chin up.
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 10:31, closed)