When my Nan died we went to the funeral director to organise it all
only to find that it had all been done for us. About ten years previously, when all her marbles were still intact, my Nan had gone down there to book and pay for her own funeral so all that was left for us to do was make some of the aesthetic decisions and sign a few papers. It might seem a little odd to pay for your own funeral but for a grieving family it was very much appreciated and my Nan was always thrifty - by my reckoning she saved at least a couple of grand that way. Unless I go unexpectedly it's something I'd definitely look into.

The things we added - we had a New Orleans jazz band march in front of the hearse and went around the block with them a few times before setting off to the crem. Afterwards we went to the local pub and had chips and egg sandwiches like she used to make.

Apologies for lack of funnies, there were laughs that day but they weren't the kind that would mean anything outside of the family.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:07, 28 replies)

Sounds like a peasants affair. Did your old man turn up to it at least ?

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:11, closed)

You keep grinding that axe there Rory, you funny little man...
It amuses me so.

EDIT: I'm guessing that apart from your small group of carers (who'll be happily celebrating never having to change another nappy after one of your vitriolic rant induced shit-farts) there won't actually be many people even aware that you're dead when you're gone. I for 1 imagine that many of us will eventually ponder just how long the mods can step someone.... Eventually.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 8:18, closed)

Butthurt by proxy.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 9:53, closed)

Upset on Rory's behalf.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 10:17, closed)

Hey BD if I could be bothered spending money on it to get there
I'd drink all the alcohol at your wake.
JSYK.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 11:05, closed)

Ah, my retarded gay stalker returns
Still terribly upset, then?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 10:17, closed)

yer, I was on your website and it inspired me to shove bits of lego and a whole optimus prime blaster up my arsehole, and now it's all stuck there :((
how did the sales of your mega calendar that was gonna make you a sure fire millionaire in 2013 work out in the end?
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 10:25, closed)

Why on earth would you have been on our website?
It features fully-grown women, not underage boys
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 10:36, closed)

oh right I must be confusing it with a website of ropey nobody fat slags 'filling their portfolios' for the benefit of a 'LDN-based' balloon wearing Feldman lookalike,
reduced to boasting online from his bedsit about the vast income from his calendar, film and internet 'projects'. I prefer that one, delusional people are funnier when they post about how great they are. Any attempt to point out the ridiculousness of their assertions usually results in upset, deletions and omg 2.0 ignoring.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 11:11, closed)

Says the man
with the burgeoning property portfolio.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 11:41, closed)

www.b3ta.com/questions/funerals2/post1934392
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 11:52, closed)

Clever boy!
Wouldn't it have just been quicker to tell me to fuck off?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 12:04, closed)

fuck off you mental spastic

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 15:36, closed)

That's the ticket
Sunshine!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 16 Apr 2013, 20:30, closed)

Aw bless
Poor frustrated little Rory, stamping his feet and getting all angry at me on the internet again. I wish you knew how to quit me.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 12:21, closed)

I'm hoping to make you cry

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 13:41, closed)

That's not hoping, that's totally dreaming
Maybe you should aim for a more attainable goal, like learning to use a proper grown-up toilet?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 14:17, closed)

It must have been a different emvee who cried and deleted his dullard story of getting detention for something he didn't even do.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 14:22, closed)

It must have been, as I don't remember crying about it
As I recall I waited until you and Monty had spent, ooh, a good day or two each trying to troll me and then deleted all your pathetic attempts in a single click. I may have sniggered as I did it.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 14:47, closed)

Being upset onliine is a classic cause of internet deletion. Even more classic after the event and having dried away the tears is to reveal it to have been your intention all along 'TTT' or the legless countergambit.
To ensure your complete victory in the matter it's safest to 2.0 your 'victims' just in case yeah
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 15:12, closed)

Ah, now we're getting somewhere
Just like any toddler throwing a tantrum, you don't like being ignored, do you?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 15:24, closed)

I always know when I've secured complete victory and upset with you emvee when you roll out the 2.0 button
I have an extra biscuit with my tea whenever that happens
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 15:35, closed)

Yet here you are complaining about it in my thread
Bless your stupid, angry little heart
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 15:42, closed)

This whole "internet" thing is going very well for you.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 23:16, closed)

hang on
she BOOKED it? She knew when she was going to pop her clogs?
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 15:46, closed)

She knew she was going to pop her clogs eventually
They were booked on "standby", as it were.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Apr 2013, 15:47, closed)

I hope you didn't shove any lego up her fanny, crem ovens don't burn plastic very well.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 8:31, closed)

Feeble
3/10 for effort
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 17 Apr 2013, 8:40, closed)