Massive Gaylord
At my old job, I was a temp and never given my own computer, so I used other people's. Whilst job hunting, I found an advert asking for a gay waiter. I though it would be amusing to send it to my mate (inferring he was indeed a gay). In the part where it asked for your friend's name, I put Massive Gaylord and sent it on.


Then a few day's later, I was using the same computer. Filling something in online, I went to put my first name Matt and Massive Gaylord came up. It got me worried, as the computer was usually used by a Maureen, so Massive Gaylord prbably came up for her name too. I never asked though.
( Mr Gimpson Wolfguts, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 14:11, Reply)

Apologies to my 12-year-old nephew
On google autocomplete whilst on his computer:

billy and mandy rude pics
bitch
boner
boobs
breists
cock
coming out poo
crap
dick
doing a poo
fanney
fanny
fuck
gay
gay
gay boy
gay men
gay peoplehaving sex
girls
grim & evile rude pics
haveing sex
haveing a poo
homer sex
homer sexy
lesbian
lesbians
lesbian and gay
maggie sexy
maggie simpson
maggie simpson bum
maggie simpson bum showing
maggie simpson naked
maggie simpson sexy
maggie simpson with bum out
marge sexy
men
naked men
naked women
nakid wimen
new poop
peeing
penus
pinus
pissing
pole dancer
pole dancer porn
pole sex
poo
poo coming out
poo poo
pooing
poop
poopoo
sex
sex sceen
sexing
sexy
sexy men
sexy thing
shag
shit
simpsons sex
simpsons lisa porn
simpsons naked
simpsons rude pics
simpsons totally naked
take your clothes off to have sex
undressed wimen
vigina
viginadick
weeing
wet tshirt
willy
wimen no clothes

Not sure which I'm more disturbed about: the odd search terms or the awful grammar.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 14:09, Reply)

Curse ctrl+A
Apparently the only way that a technologically-stunted significant other can find your "Research" folder when it's "hidden".

"Oh look" says Windows "There's a folder in here that contains images of people that look a bit like your mum that your boyfriend tried to hide from you, would you like to view them and then watch him try to explain that they belonged to a friend of his, and he was just keeping them safe?"

{OK}
(willem_dafoe's_cheesy_napsack, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 14:03, Reply)

Oh dear....
Was doing the honorable thing when staying at my best mate's house one weekend (ie booting his PC and checking for downloaded grumble).

He'd categorised everything, I mean everything... Some was quite tame ("Blonde", "Brunette" etc), but got quite troubled when I found "Ruby Murray" and worse still damn near traumatised by the movie file featuring an underage girl walking through the park who decides to drop her keks and punch one out al fresco.

Yikes.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 10 Feb 2006, 14:00, Reply)

Fun afternoon
I found child porn on my grandad's computer.

That was a fun day, after I'd told my parents.

We don't talk to him much anymore...
( Theoban What of it, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Penis size
When i was a young wee lad I was very paranoid about my length and girth (as I imagine most teenagers are) so I googled "What is the average male penis length?".

Unfortunately the next day, or possibly the day after (its not really important when), I was watching my dad looking at the internet (possibly out of paranoia) when all of a sudden my teenage googling appeared on the screen.

He asked if it was me and I couldn't think of anything to do other than stand up without a word and go hide in my bedroom.

I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm a gay one.
(PenrhynGwyndaf, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Bloody MSN Messenger
I'm sure I'm not the only person who's done this. A colleague I wasn't particularly fond with came back from holiday and was very loudly alternating between boring us sensless with holiday stories and moaning about being back. I opened up MSN and typed 'Moan moan moan moan fucking moan. Doens't that stupid fucking bitch ever fucking shut up?'.

Natuarally I inadvertantly sent it to the stupid fucking bitch, rather than the intended recipient.

i did the same thing, to the same person, about a week later. She hated me.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:53, Reply)

someone I know...
...used to work in sexual health, and the boss there was a bit of a mystery - he didn't seem gay to the gay people working there but he didn't seem straight to the straight people working there. Sooooo, one day they had a look at his internet history, and found a website, the slogan of which was, quote:

"At last, a bitch who'll fuck you up the arse and then make you suck the shit off her cock".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:50, Reply)

Frightening the cable man
About two years ago, I was having constant problems with my Internet service: it was slow, would disconnect constantly, etc. After weeks of arguing with the ISP's tech support, they finally came around to check the wiring. I wasn't at home, but my boyfriend had graciously agreed to come by and wait for them.

Cable man arrives and does his thing. He thinks the problem is fixed, so he asks the boyfriend if it's okay to check the computer to make sure. Boyfriend says okay. The cable guy opens up an IE window to be greeted by the image of a naked girl tied up with a ball gag shoved into her mouth. My boyfriend hadn't considered that my homepage was (and had been for some time) a BDSM lifestyle site. He's the shyest and most retiring guy ever, and he turned 40 shades of red. All he can think to say to the repair man is "It's my girlfriend's computer!" and I bet the cable guy was thinking, "Yes, I bet it is, mate."

When I got home and my boyfriend told me the story, I spent several minutes rolling around on the floor laughing at his discomfort. My homepage is now Google, but I'll have to change it back and make sure that my boyfriend is the only one home if the cable guy has to call again.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:47, Reply)

I discovered in the autocomplete
of my colleague's computer at work:

"Gay saunas Watford"

Prior to his business trip to um. . . Watford.
(Highlander, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:46, Reply)

Won't be the first or last
Having a colleague or parent come and sit down next to you and asking you a question. First response? Fire up IE and straight to Google - click the box...

"Pandas masturbating"
"Dirty cowboy"
"Bumming"

But we've all been there.
(misteroz, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:38, Reply)

Picture Cache Folly
Whose brilliant idea was it to make an image viewer default to the Internet Explorer cached images folder if you loaded it without double-clicking on a file? My missus got an eyeful of all those hot blondes I'd been uh.. examining.

Luckily I was able to convince her they'd all come from various popup windows while I was searching for MP3s, and NOT, for example, from Google Images. *Cough*.

At least she never found the XXX HOT SHEMALE ACTION folder.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:35, Reply)

Ebay gum
T'was a couple of years ago now that yours truly worked for a regional marketing organisation who, as one of their profitable sidelines, sold event tickets for gigs, theatres, sport events, fitbae games and the like.

After working there for a while and becoming familiar with the ins and outs of ticketing I learnt a colleague had been purchasing staff advance tickets for high profile events and ebaying them on the snide.

Coining the phrase monkey see, monkey do, I invested in a pair of front row Kylie tickets at 75 dinars a pair before they officially went on sale. During the long slow shift t'next day, I uploaded my ebay ad and waited.

Five days later I had made £225. I was hooked like a mo'fo' crackhead.

Over the following six months I and a few colleagues sold approximately 120 tickets. Our customers ranged from WWF fans who would pay anything to get ringside with The Cobbler of Death or Shawn 'Midget Masher' Jones, to Elton John fans (Particularly desperate. Wankers.)

I made a pretty packet which admittedly went on skunk, partying and yes...more tickets.

One day at work I had a problem with the new £200K software package we were all using so I took a screen shot and emailed it to my boss...uh fucking oh my toolbar had btinternet, yahoo, chat sites and ebay open on it. At this point I should explain that the organisations HR policies and overall management was akin to a Libyan army regime. My boss picked up on the toolbar thing - I protested complete innocence 'They are all pop ups' I cried. 'Dost thou trust me not?' I heard no more...

Maybe a few months down the line, the HR rep and one of our bosses comes over to the team and asks us all to have a ten minute break away from our desks. Sucked in, we think its great, our employers are finally loosening up. It was at this point I get a phone call from a colleague (part of the Al-Ebay network) in another office who tells me she has just been suspended for gross misconduct.

Shit. Fan. Hit. I took a sneaky look over at my pc and the two bosses were standing around it looking at the Ebay page on the screen and pointing.

Minutes later I was being escorted off the premises.

'We'll be in contact with a date for your disciplinary'

At the hearing they presented me with shedloads of internet history of my activities (i was meticulous about deleting history obviously some shithead in IT was cleverer) and printouts from the ticketing software. They had been watching me for a while.

Miss Conduct of the Gross variety apparently.
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:33, Reply)

bitty!
A friend of my housemate from australia came to stay with us for a little while...

I told him he could use my computer to access the net, an offer he duly took up. One night when I came back from work, I browsed to hotmail.com and his session was still active, leaving his email up on the screen (always remember to sign out kids!) complete with subject lines such as "thank you for your credit card payment"... aye aye thinks i, so i clicked - well, it turns out this bloke (who's well into his 40s) has a fetish for the "Adult Baby Scene"...

Yep, he'd been buying products from a specialist online store that sells big nappies, bunnets, bottles, cots and that sort of thing (he'd also been emailing girls from internet dating sites to find out if they were into nappies) - fair enough, it's a bit odd but i've heard stranger. Anyway, i told my housemate about it but i changed the protagonist to someone at work to save any embarrassment.

So the guy stays with us for a couple of weeks and turns out to be a bit of a pig of a houseguest really so after he'd gone i told my housemate that it was actually him and not someone at work.

First she went eeewww, then she laughed, then a classic look of realisation crossed her face as she remembered she had told the guy the story I'd told her!! hahahahahaahaaahaaa
(Quantum Mechanic is taking his work back underground…, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:28, Reply)

A guy I used to work with
Had a visit from the Serious Crime squad (at work) when they discovered he had been buying de-dangerised guns from Guns-4-U through eBay.

Wallop. Sort that one out HR!!
( Micro Prawnvica, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:28, Reply)

Long Long time ago I used to be sysadmin for a company in London
where we used a program called mailsweeper to scan incoming email for dubious words. If an email contained an offending word, then it would get forwarded to the netadmin (me). Including of course ALL of the directors mails.

Part of my job was to analyse the mails, and forward them on to the recipient with a note saying "Can you ask so and so not to swear or refer to black people as n***ers when they send you an email. Ta."

The more serious ones would be cc'd to a director and it was upto them if they took any action.

Imagine then, my dilemma when the system catches an email from a female ex employee, to the married managing director saying something along the lines of:
"Great meeting up with you last night, my hole is still sore from where you fucked it so good baby" etc.

So rather than forward it on with a "Careful now" message I invited the rest of the company to come and read it on my PC instead.

Incidentally the list of stop words used by mailsweeper then was just the funniest list of swear words and racist terms ever. "Porch Monkey" anyone?
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:26, Reply)

similar to TipTopAvogadro's story
a few years ago in the IT firm I work for the then boss for some reason shared out all her drives, including all the HR material on all employees - salaries, review results etc - worst of all there were a spate of redundancies on the way and anyone for the chop was listed in a convenient spreadsheet...before any of them knew. Cue a week or so later and people having to pretend to be surprised when they got called into the office to get sacked. Well at least they had a week to look for new jobs on the interweb :(
(shanvishnu, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Alsation
I asked an "IT support" friend to come and upgrade the RAM on my computer. I left him to it, and tried not to worry that he'd already drank about 8 pints of wifebeater when he turned up and carried on drinking while he was doing the job.
Anyway after he left the PC wouldn't work AT ALL, it wouldn't even turn in. I rang a local IT professional to sort it all out, which he did in minutes, and we switched it on to check it worked. It worked perfecty. And what had my friend chosen for my new wallpaper while he was "working" on my PC?
A woman being stiffed up the arse by an alsation. Thanks Tim.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:21, Reply)

Ah, youth...
Last week I got the helpful IT guy to do a complete etch-a-sketch on my laptop, which has been running slow for years, with loads of spyware, adware etc all over the shop. He took all the files off, put them somewhere else and wiped the laptop, then put them back.

I was pretty confident I didn't have anything tooooooo odd in those files.

This week he started teasing me about "parties."

Oh my god, he had found my teenage poetry! I used to write the exploits of the weekend up in verse, and there were plenty of marvellous sonnets about house parties, beach parties, you name it. And now it was probably public knowledge! The shame!

No, it turned out he was talking about a movie called "Hot Twink Butt-Fuck Party" that was on there.

Phoned my gay housemate from university. Yes, he was fwapping away on my broadband connection most nights when I was out. No, he didn't think the "twinks" in the onscreen conga line of buggery were exactly legal. I had been carrying underage gay pron around unknowingly for the better part of five years.
(oranguturn, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:12, Reply)

Also...
If you ever want to get a complete picture of a spouse's sexual habits, I highly recommend typing each letter of the alphabet into Google & having a looksee through the list.
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:11, Reply)

Not me but a friend...
Was testing his parents' computer and google auto complete came up with '4 in a bed' which definately went someway toward suggesting a reason for the recent purchase of the webcam and the frequent nights away to other couples' houses...
(hottwist, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:09, Reply)

My younger brother
Is not the sharpest knife the drawer.

A few years ago, when I was looking after a then 14 year-old brat for a few weeks as a favour to my parents, who were out of the country, & had set myself up an admin account on their home PC for the duration of my stay. I'd also downloaded a certain filesharing program, in order to obtain a few tunes to listen to whilst surfing t'internet.

This program was installed for all users, & at the time, used to display the downloads for all users to whoever was running the program.

A fact that had evidently escaped the attention of The Kid.

Suffice to say, "Teen Lesbian Orgy XXX" was swiftly deleted, as was the disturbingly titled "Women with Horses". Which I'm really hoping was an accident.
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:09, Reply)

Small hands, small faces, small genitalia
I work in a Sweden as an IT tech, and deal with the mundaine as we all do in this job, one day the chef of the restaurant was in a really foul mood, and I asked him what ws wrong and he said that his computer was broken and could I fix it coz he'd been up all night trying to mend it. OK I said so I copied the drive contents from the 100GB drive to my server and then searched the original content for groups of file types to be deposited back on the computer . Work documents........ family photos........ 67GB of AVI files..... 60GB std porn... 7GB of midget porn. Midget porn. WTF!? under closer categorization 2Gb turned out to be dwarf porn. So I neatly labeled the containing folders accordingly, including a multicategoried genital mutilation catalouge.
Then I got curious to see what the stuff he rejected looked like so I decided to trawl the drive for all deleted content. My word. I have never seen such depravity everything from the alternative use of large wind instruments, to vetinary inspired internal inspections.

He never said a word about it. However we remain good freinds and I for one am never going to mention it to a man that works with knives all day long.
(Nicky Nacky Noo... Scratch and Sniff Please, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 13:06, Reply)

Not at all Pr0n related!!!eleventyone!!andsuchlike
A little over ten months ago Mrs Throbbe give birth to our very beautiful daughter. The photographs we have of her on the laptop probably number in their thousands.

As I am a soft b**tard, I have the screensaver that randomly shows image files so I can sit there and go "Awwwww" at many images of Throbbe Jr.

You can already see the potential for disaster. As above, this is not porn related. It's worse than that.

In one of the photographs, the beautiful Throbbe Jr has her hair in a side parting, staring into the camera with her lovely wide blue eyes, in a way that would be considered intense, and possibly disturbing in an adult. For some strange reason she reminded me of Adolf Hitler. Especially after I 'shopped a badly drawn 'tache on. Naturally, this was very funny, although the more sensible than me Mrs Throbbe disagreed.

This picture flashed up on screen while my grandmother was admiring the cute screensaver montage.

The same grandmother who was born in germany. and lost several family members to the death camps. who fled her home at the age of 6 with only a suitcase carrying her whole life to avoid being killed/raped/etc by the advancing russian troops. who endured much abuse from ignorant neighbours having moved to England in the '50's. You get the picture. Fucksocks.

Nothing was said.

Frankly, Octegenarian Paraplegic Scat images* would have been better.



* not that I have any, although I'm willing to bet that such things exist.
(Throbbe, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:59, Reply)

My fault really
While working for a certain Leeds based govt agency as part of their IT crowd, I got into the habit of doing weird random googling. One particular search has brought up the legendary tubgirl. I obviously saved my new treasure locally. (Unfortunately I didn't check where I saved it to).

Then the phone rang. We had a blade server down! I quickly sent the broadcast message out to ALL RECIPIENTS. The broadcast software simply sends any jpeg in the broadcast folder and places it on the recipients screen as a popup.

Funnily enough, shortly after that the it manager decided that maybe my future didn't really lie in IT security.

Apols for length, girth and woman shitting on your desktop.
(Soupy George Fear me!!!!!, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:56, Reply)

About 10 years ago...
...when I still stayed with my folks I used to use me Dad's PC to surf the web all day. (Cost him a fortune!)

So anyway, I had the usual stash of porn hidden away on his pooter, him being clueless there was never any chance of it being found. However my own stupidity was my undoing.

Ona afternoon I am snoozing in the living room when my Dad appears in the house with one of his friends, "I'm just boing to show B. something on the PC", says he.

Off the pair of them go to the study and I hear the sound of the pooter being fired up. A minute or so later my Dad shouts me through.

I enter the study, B. is grinning at me like a fool, and my Dad is death staring me big time. He points at the PC monitor. I look at it and see a picture of a girls face absolutely covered in jizz!

It seems I had turned off the pooter without shutting down whatever app. I had been using, it must have started up again when the PC came on.

Needless to say I turned beetroot, I stammered something about my mate emailing it to me that day, but I doubt either of them believed me. I still feel an idiot every time I see B. to this day!

mumu.
(mumu, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:55, Reply)

death of a dotcom
After the death of a famous dotcom (think Betty) some of their PCs were bought by a company I worked for. Needless to say before wiping them to use as test boxes, I checked the disk - and there were the spreadsheet files which clearly showed their demise, complete with comments like 'Don't pay this one, I think we can get away with it for a few more weeks'...Caused much amusement. Until we ourselves went under a few months later. Er...
(CaptainNostrilsMate, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:54, Reply)

Cheating Girlfriend
*First post ever! woo*

Once caught an ex of mine (about 4 years ago) out big time whilst trying to figure out why her IM programs were constantly crashing (never did work it out), i "stumbled" accross various conversations, recieved files etc as well as her own little collection of pics of her that she sent to people. Basically she was a whore!

Needless to say i took a copy of all offending material and then confronted her. Nice big messy break up, but since then i just cant seem to stop worrying what a g/f is doing on their/my comp. Mind you, i suppose knowing all their passwords and having a keylogger on mine helps :p

Oh, and still love the fact that she has yet to notice (years later) that I have remote access to her comp!

On another note, never EVER, look through your younger siblings histories and chat logs unless you want to be emotionally scarred! *shudders*

/Appologies for length and crappness but i thought it would go away when i closed the browser
(ReaperTG will appear behind your headboard on..., Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:48, Reply)

"Your computer has been Pornalysed"
Curiously enough, was gabbing with a workmate just before this qotw came up. I said that was thinking of reformatting my hard drive and reinstalling everything, as my computer and internet connection is running so slowly these days.

"Ah, you've pornalysed it" he said.

He used to share a house with four other guys, and, as he was the only bloke with a PC, his computer would regularly get screwed up by one of his flatmates browsing whatever and not having the sense to click "no" when asked to install dodgy stuff or use task mananger to fight the porn multiple pop-up-of-death battle.

He eventually had to put a small notice on the PC that said "No porn please".
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 10 Feb 2006, 12:48, Reply)