Kidney Stones = Excruciating Goolie Pain
I suffer the misfortune of kidney stones on a fairly regular basis. Kidney stones are a conglomeration of calcium crystals that develop in the kidney. To give you an idea of their shape, think a small rock consisting solely of sharp edges. To give you an idea of the level of agony they can provide, a urologist once told me that kidney stones were the worst pain one could have without dying. Nothing I have ever felt has ever given me reason to disbelieve him.

When a stone develops in the kidney it can do one of two things: get stuck in the kidney or the ureter, necessitating surgery; or pass slowly through the ureter and eventually leave the body through the urine stream, aka through the end of the john thomas. Most leave through the second option.

So after a few weeks of slow, excruciating movement towards the tip of the old fella, they finally seem ready to be pissed out. This usually happens when I am in polite company. As doctors like me to keep any stones so they can analyse them, I have to ask someone in the household "Do you have a container you no longer need?" (to catch the stone in so I don't have to fish it out of the bowl).

I then make my way to the toilet, and amid screams and shrieks of pain, I finally pass a kidney stone (or two). By this stage I'm wimpering loud enough to cause the local dogs to bark. If there was a merciful God, the stone would just come out but sometimes they like to get caught in the Jap's eye opening. If this happens, then I, as gently as possible, try to yank the bastard out. Although the temptation is always there to crush the stone while screaming "DIE YOU FUCKER, DIE" for all the pain it caused, one always resists and places it in the specimin container with the other stones that have passed through my system. When I finally leave the bathroom, sweating and pale, I tend to show people the stone lest they think the screaming, shrieking, whimpering, and sweating is because I have been in their bathroom masturbating like a wild chimpanzee. Someone who once saw me pass a stone told me that my look at the critical stone passing moment is hilarious; they likened it to Terry Scott's response when he was shown the size of the document he had to smuggle out in his rectum in "Carry on Henry".

Someone once wrote here that they felt like "a freshly raped dog" after taking a sizeable dump. I can only say that no turd I have ever taken, no matter how hostile or gargantuan, can ever compare to the feeling of a piece of jagged rock making its way from the kidney, down through the ureter and out of the tip of your wedding tackle.

And to make matters worse, kidney stones will block fluid from leaving through the kidney, leaving it with really only option. Yes, one can also look forward to the sore diarrhorea arse as well.
(Hammer of Justice, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 3:49, Reply)