Because every time I fuck your mum, she give me a bi.....
Coat.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:11, Reply)

GFO
Heard from 2 separate sources in the early 80's

once from someone called Clive, who my friend had amusingly pushed off his bike - his retort was "Get Fuck Off!"
Then strangely enough, a rather rotund kid called Colin, that we were ripping the piss out of by asking him when he last saw his willy, replied with "Get Fuck Off!"

It made I laugh and laugh, and even to this day I use the phrase often with bemused looks from the victim
(Zuffle farts silently in lifts then leaves the warm aroma, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:09, Reply)

About a month ago in the pub.
A mate and I were taking the piss out of a fat bird along the lines of 'She's so fat ect. ect.'.

I came out with 'She's so fat there used to be a hill outside her house'.

While I tittered away to myself, in the rosey glow of a witty comment well made, my mate said 'Yeah,'till she fucking ate it'.

Cue me and said mate collapsing in laughter for a good 40 minutes, you know the one, crying, that funny pain you get behind your ears like when you're tripping. Classic.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:09, Reply)

Face like a
stamped out barbeque.

Nuff said.
(Udidin is chuffed to have made the newsletter, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:08, Reply)

In a previous job
A few of us would say that some of the less hygienic greasemonkeys would 'Smell like my old girlfriend, Betty Swollocks'
(lordy lordy, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:05, Reply)

Insults?
Some from cadets (not exact words though):
"You're so retarded, you make Steven Hawking look like an Olympic athlete!"-Senior NCO

Inspecting officer to someone with large sideburns:

"Whats your favourite meat?"
"Venison Sir"
"Not Lamb?"
"No Sir"
"Because they are prety good tributes to Mutton chop whiskiers. Show parade"

Someone else:

"Last night I was shagging your Mum. As I fingered her, she said "You've left your ring on your finger". I said "That ain't no ring, it's my wristwatch!""

Well I laughed. Length is accurate to +/-0,25mm
( Greenbat, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 18:00, Reply)

Foghorn Leghorn once said...
"That boy's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice"

www.barbneal.com/wav/ltunes/foghorn/fogleg23.wav
( phatotis while ($hair < $clean) { lather; rinse; }, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:59, Reply)

My mother
is a lovely mild-mannered and polite lady in her early 60s. She rarely swears and generally has a good word for everyone. Sadly she also has lived a very sheltered life - in fact I believe she was in her 40s before she heard the word 'blowjob' and then asked what it meant...She was married at 19 to my father and they remain devoted to one another today.
So imagine my surprise when yesterday she referred to a cold caller as a Twat.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:57, Reply)

My brother
used to use the word 'farmer' as an insult. "You're such a farmer", "you utter fucking farmer", etc. God knows why.

Random insults:

Up yer arse, cuntlugs!
You've got a fanny like a butcher's dustbin.
Lick my bum-toffee.
Uglier than a crocodile's cock.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:53, Reply)

When I played hockey
I used to use "scrotum face" as an insult.
( phatotis while ($hair < $clean) { lather; rinse; }, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:53, Reply)

My mother...
...Still has the ability to astound and worry me at the same time!

One of my personal favourites from her list of random insults is calling a guy who nearly reversed into her car in a car park a 'farking dick-splash'...

Me = worried... but also secretly beaming with pride!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:53, Reply)

I've been looking for an excuse to use this one:
"He's such a fat bastard he never spent long arguing over Daddy or Chips."
( Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:52, Reply)

A German friend recently gave me...
Fuss-Föhner

Apparently translates as "you hair dry your feet".

We quickly adapted this to 'fotze-föhner'
(spunkyD, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:50, Reply)

We tried to get a new insult started...
My son and I were going on an errand, and part of it involved going to the grocery store. While we were there he requested (and got) a whole dill pickle from the deli, which he proceded to eat as we drove.

We stopped for gas and my son needed to use the bathroom, so he got out of the car. As he did so, the plastic bag which had held the pickle blew out of the car. I said, "Hey! Pick up the pickle bag and throw it away!" He did so, then went off to the bathroom.

When he came back I said something about the pickle bag, and he started giggling. I said, "Hey, let's try an experiment. Try using picklebag at school as an insult. Let's see if we can get others to use it!"

He did so. He got in considerable trouble with one of his teachers over this, as she thought it was a euphamism for something else. But by the end of the school year he had at least a few people around the school using the term.

I'm waiting for it to pop up online...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:48, Reply)

He was so ugly....
....he looked like his face had been set on fire and then somebody had put it out with a shovel.
(frogman99, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:47, Reply)

My friend and I
were once walking along a road.
Innoccuous.

Apparently not to a group of 5 or so louts who thought it pertinent to moon us.
"Can you please stop mooning us?" says my friend.

"Curry sauce?! Your ma was curry sauce last night, hi!"
(voodoo_economics, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:46, Reply)

My friends mum called him a...
...dildo.
(samwisethesick, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:45, Reply)

viz
I bought a book from Viz years ago, entitled "How to say fuck off in 10 different languages", or something along those lines. It's nice calling someone a twat in, say Spanish, and knowing they've got no idea what you're talking about.
On the subject of Viz, this QOTW should aid their Profanisaurus immensely.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:45, Reply)

Holidays and Tools
Numero uno. On holiday a long time ago for a fortnight and one day we hit the beach. There were two guys who were not getting on. Blubberchups was oblivious, but the second guy was seething because 'Blubber' was hellishly annoying [think control and superiority complex] as well as being overbearing. We look round at the water, about to go in and have a good old summer holiday splash. I ask the second fella [top guy!] if anyone else is going in. His classic response:

"Nah, and Blubberchups better not, otherwise Greenpeace will be trying to drag him underwater like the retarded beached whale he is!"

Numero dos, Cub Scouts...a long time ago, in a life far far away was when I was a shit. The pack was split into two teams and we were losing. I wasn't happy, and especially as this dullard kid [who we shall label T, for it is both truthful and allows many alternative names] who hung round with the 'hard' kids in the year above me was primarily responsible. He treads back to the team line and I yelp at him, furious, "T, YOU SPANNER!"

Now, that's not exactly high-grade or impact insulting [even for ten years ago] but all of a sudden, Mr hard-o's face begins to collapse. Think like a gradually quickening rockslide, until he's red and runs around the hall, crying like a bust mains pipe.

Akela glares at me, sends me out and bollocks me bigtime. Eh, whatev. She was a bitch, and everybody in that Scout tribe still agrees with me. I heard a few years later T had pumped himself up on steroids.

Which makes him now a retarded spanner. :-)
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:39, Reply)

Mary Whitehouse Experience
You see that battered, forlorn looking matchbox on the floor, looking ramshackle and neglected...

That's your house that is.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:35, Reply)

when you were born...
The midwife turned you upside down, then slapped your mother
(The Hooded Bean is in my pants Can't resist a Fanny/Tranny Joke, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:35, Reply)

The historians from the Mary Whitehouse Experience
I used to like Rob Newman and David Baddiel pretending to be old gits insulting each other.

'See that puddle of spit on the floor there?
That's your swimming pool, that is'.
( gypsy turnips, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:33, Reply)

You Look 10.
Last week of school (5th form, some leaving, some staying for 2 years of 6th form), form tutor takes out whole class for meal in Stockport. We were all 15-16. Some of the kids in the class looked older and had could get into to pubs and get served, some us were little and seriously couldnt. Me? Never tried. I was about to find out.

After the meal, the bigger kids went off to the pub they had been going to for a while. They even knew the bouncers. Us smaller lot, about 5 of us spoddy lads thought we'd try our luck. We took a collective breath, pushed open the door.

Our classmates were playing pool with a couple of bouncers. They all stopped to look at us. We stood in the doorway, peering into the smoky room. Every single person in the room started to piss themselves laughing. One of the bouncers said, quite loudly in the middle of all this; "come on mate, how old are you? You look 10.".

The laughing could still be heard from 100 metres away as we sloped back to the train station.

Nothing prepared for me for the next day. As i walked to school, it was apparent, even a mile away that this was the greatest story that ever went round. Even the first years were sniggering. As I walked through the school yard, the sniggering had turned into full on chanting "YOU LOOK 10! YOU LOOK 10!". Jesus christ. Even the teachers knew. I finally arrived in my classroom, as I opened the door it was clear that this had been the only topic of conversation all morning. The cheering and shouting was unbelievable.

In my defense, I did very well. I laughed along with all of it. There was no other way to deal. Someone else might have been utterly traumatised to be ridiculed by an entire school for days. I suppose I've never forgotten, but to be honest, it wasnt bad. So i didnt get served when i was underage, meh.

The most devasting insult ever? Not really. But the most memorable for me.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:32, Reply)

Racism
I often find it interesting when a policeman, say, or some other authority figure is accused of racism, largely because they called an Afro-Caribean person a black bastard.

The thing that always interests me about these cases is that the suspect is never concerned about being called a "bastard", it's the word "black" they seem to find offensive. Which is weird because in the phrase "black bastard" the word "black" is merely an adjective, and could be substituted for other words such as "pikey", "fat", "stupid" or "welsh".

So, in other words, they're objecting to being described as black, which is surely the one thing about the insult which is provably correct.

I find it interesting anyway.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:31, Reply)

mums!
They call your mum the Ark Royal:
Shes massive, always wet, and full to the brim with seaman. Ahem. I thank you.
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:28, Reply)

teeth!
Shes got teeth like a witch doctors necklace.

She could eat an apple through a tennis racket.
(SPLUFFMYPANTS, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:27, Reply)

Only tenuously an insult
But it's one of my favourite geeky quotations.

"On two occasions I have been asked, 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." Charles Babbage, inventor of the first calculating machine.

Just goes to show that from the very first days of IT the predominant issue was that of the PICNIC error.

Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.
( Kroney, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:25, Reply)

Naval One
She had a face like a bag of smashed crabs and was rough as a badgers bum.

Apologies if bindun
(pharmatron Death or Scunthorpe? CHOOSE!!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:23, Reply)

One for Frankspencer...
And my personal favourite insult from Macbeth:

"You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so."

Ah, the English language!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:22, Reply)

Winston Churchill
Woman in crowd: Mr Churchill! You're drunk! How disgusting!
Churchill: Yes madam, but you're ugly, and I will be sober tomorrow.



It's not the length, it's how you use it.
(Igor, The Evil Spacemonkey is behind you!, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 17:22, Reply)