Whats your I-spy score?
To make things simpler for those of us who are poor story tellers I have collected a series of informative stereotypes and assigned them a points value. Who lives near you?

The tempestuous lovers 10pts.
-Mild mannered and mundane to the outside world, in the privacy of their own home this couple are free to act out their own personal french art-house film with a soundtrack of alternating kinky sex and plate smashing arguments that can be heard for several metric miles.

Mr Just say no 15pts (1pt if you live in Camden)
-This person obviously mistook zammo from grange hill as a role model as a child and now lives in a chemical haze. windows open and dub reggae at all hours. Why leave the house when the police, bailiffs and your criminal mates come to you?

The colonel 20pts.
-Retired most likely ex army, keeps the house and garden immaculate and forms neighborhood watch committees against those who don't. Finds it acceptable to mow the lawn with a ancient and battered Suffolk colt at seven am on a Sunday, but should you have more than three house guests over after nine on a friday expect a visit from the plod about your 'anti-social' noise levels.

How terribly British 1pt.
-They live next door and have done for years. You have no contact other than a formal good morning when you leave for work and one perfunctory card every Christmas.


Captain creepy. 25pts and a chance to be interviewed as part of a crimewatch special

-Its wrong to judge by appearance. Perhaps poor body image and borderline aspergers explains the poor social skills and baggy trench coat. Poor eyesight could just as easily see you in NHS specks and have you leering just to make out peoples face. You would love to know for sure but you fear him for making your rape-senses ring like a bell.

Student Grant 9pts
-We were all young once, but little did we know at the time how our vivacity did naught but piss off anyone older. If you get any peace at night its because they have finally succumbed to fumes from thier illegaly installed boiler, and you should probably call someone.


the brood 5pts
- Half a dozen or so (you aren't quite sure exactly) feral kids, who have taken over the street as their own. No matter, soon their hambeast mother will come out side far enough to scream at them for half an hour. They are then free to go back to what they were doing, probably fighting over that damn shell thingy again.


Tom and Barbra good 50pts (1pt if you live in Chelsea)
-They grow their own herbs, and drive their range rover to the recycling bins in waitrose daily. They will invite you over for dinner parties to show off their organic cooking, and come round to you to organize a petition against plastic bags from the corner shop or to keep phone masts at least eleventy miles away from schools. Just smile and nod without getting involved, the guardian will tell them do something different next week in any case.

The corpse 100pts. (and seven pints of red top)
-free milk and newspapers for a week. Its what they would of wanted.


Whats your score, past and present?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 20:59, 10 replies)

Back home:
26. The colonel, the brood and the 'very British'.

Here? Haven't been here long enough to know, but can I count the "Student grant" if I am one?
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 21:38, closed)

Only if you have a Corgi certificate

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 21:46, closed)

Yeah
The tempestuous lovers 10pts.
Mr Just say no 15pts.
Actually, the 2 above are the same peeps.

The brood 5pts.
How terribly British 1pt.
^^ He's a Jehovah's Witness, so no Crimbo card.

31 points. Do I win a prize?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 7 Oct 2009, 22:01, closed)

currently i have
the colonel, how terribly british and tom and barbara good. it's still a lot better than where i used to live, at least the street is cleaner!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 23:54, closed)

101 points
admittedly he was 82.
(Natrix, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 0:13, closed)

351 pts
The tempestuous lovers x1, Mr Just say no 15pts x1 (but could be waaaay more) How terribly British x1, Captain creepy x1 the brood x1 (again prolly waaaay more) The corpse x3. There were 3 murders in within 200yrds of where i lived in 3 yrs... (clicks)
(Reptilianoid, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 9:50, closed)

I lived around the corner from a serial killer who dumped the bodies in the canal
how many points is that?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 10:13, closed)

0 points
I can however do:

Crazy Egyptian surgeon
Polish couple
Credit card fraudster

How many points for them?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 10:17, closed)

-1000 points
For using "would of".
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 10:51, closed)

You've missed off:
The Young-at-hearts

Couple in their late 50s/early 60s (usually called Sheila/Barbara/Doreen etc), now their children have flown the nest, are free to spend their evenings in an Echo Falls and Guinness induced stupor, with their home theatre+kareoke system shaking the walls as they watch the late night repeat of Eastenders at Iron Maiden concert volume levels.

"Incapacity Man"

Getting up at 2pm every afternoon to stride briskly to the bookies, chip shop and off license with his ill gotten benefit money. Seen next day wincing in "pain" at GP surgery, complete with crutches and a wad of free prescriptions.
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Thu 8 Oct 2009, 12:02, closed)