My arch-nemesis: Depression
Many of the stories on here tell of people having their happiness and well-being crushed by some fuckwit in a position of seniority to them at work; but what if that fuckwit lives inside you?

I've always been shy and lacking self-confidence, but for the past 5-or-so years, it's been exacerbated by depression. Not serious throw-yourself-out-of-a-fucking-window depression, you understand, more the type that drains you completely of energy and enthusiasm for everything, meanwhile reducing your sense of self-worth to absolute fucking zero. Just to add to the mix, you feel like a complete failure because of your inability to MTFU and deal with the minor stresses of life.

I'm lucky that my family are supportive, I've reduced my hours at work to lessen the pressure of long hours, and the happy pills take the edge off the lows, but I still wake up every morning wondering whether it will be a good or a bad day.

If my nemesis was external, at the very worst I could run away, but when the enemy is within, that's a little harder to do.

Apologies for complete absence of funneh but they reckon this sort of shit is cathartic. Who knows?

Insert length gag here.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 3 May 2010, 22:29, 10 replies)

I was going to put this.
Know how you feel. Although I've decided not to take the happy pills.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Mon 3 May 2010, 22:32, closed)

you are not alone
Though I guess you know that, it can be kind of hard to appreciate it at times though. I have found CBT therapy to be a great hope and so have other members of my family. I'm glad you have support, it makes a hell of a difference. But know you also have the support of everyone else who has or is going through it. Best of luck to you and all the others.

Roops
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Mon 3 May 2010, 23:50, closed)

Agree
with the cbt cognitive behavioral therapy. I've been there too, I am a lot better than I was, which at it's worst was being unable to leave the house or talk to anybody.
You may find changing meds help and I'd advise speaking to doctor regarding this.

One thing that made a huge difference on my "recovery" was where previously I found myself remebering how happy/confident I used to be, and how I would strive to get back to how I remember being. I then changed my thinking to look forwards to how I wanted to be in the future. Over time it made a big difference.

It may sound like utter wank, but i thought i'd share anyway.

Good luck.
( real i'm not happy 'til you're not happy, Tue 4 May 2010, 0:52, closed)

I tried with the CBT too
but it just wouldn't stick. All this visualising what your ideal performance in a given situation would look like and, more importantly, what it would feel like, is so hard when the person you despise most of all is you and just don't think it's worth the effort.

Never did work out how to get over that hurdle. So I know exactly where the OP is coming from...
(dxg, Tue 4 May 2010, 17:12, closed)

I Too, Walk With The Black Dog

And it managed to destroy my life until I found the happy-pills that work for me. Now I'm in a good place.

You think that you'll never get better. But you can and you probably will once you find the treatment that works for you.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 4 May 2010, 1:00, closed)

to extend the nemesis analogy
I made a breakthrouth when the depressed me decided that he wasn't going to listen to the black dog any more and actually, those automatic thoughts that I wasn't any good were maybe just not true (even if they still happened).

I simply had 'do stuff' as my new years resolution and started getting out of the house just because I knew it was better for me than staying in. Sounds silly but forcing myself to experience fresh air, a little exercise and some good company made such a difference to me. It's within you to pull it round, just a fresh outlook or new interest can be all it takes to change direction. Far easier said than done I know.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Tue 4 May 2010, 10:15, closed)

Thanks all
... for the messages of support. Whilst I would never wish the affliction on anyone else, it is reassuring to know that there are others out there who feel the same way.
Cheers!
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Tue 4 May 2010, 11:23, closed)

I believe
that depression cannot be explained to someone who has never experienced it. Your are right, there is no sword and shield to fight with; for me the pills did nothing but make me feel even more of a failure for having to take them. I still have bouts now, but nothing like a few years ago. I jacked in my job as an engineer and now work for a charity. I feel altogether better now I'm not trying to be the richest, the first, the best. I'm doing what I want and it makes me feel a whole lot better about myself.
( TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Tue 4 May 2010, 17:07, closed)

Well phrased
You're clearly able to express yourself, which will help. Always interesting to read someone else's experience. I, and several people close to me, have this horrible life-draining illness. Echoing others' comments, getting on the right meds (assuming you want to take them - some find the side-effects too much, or whatever. I think some people don't want to take them because they think - or rather, their depression causes them to think; that's how insidious it can be - they don't 'deserve' to feel better) is a lottery.
As for CBT, of all the talking treatments I tried it worked best and fastest, especially on my anxiety. Definitely good for automatic negative thinking. Try reading 'Mind Over Mood' to get an idea of what's involved. I know some criticise CBT as an ineffective quick-fix, but not everyone can, or wants to, devote 2+ years, at £50+ per time to full-on analysis.
All the best to anyone struggling - you may not get the right help for you the first time you ask for it, which can feel like a huge knockback after the huge effort of asking. Ask again, ask someone else, look online - the Mind website is a good place to start, but don't feel resigned to putting up with it.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Tue 4 May 2010, 20:21, closed)

I lost my gorgeous wife to cancer just over two years ago
Normally i would have been one of the first to belittle people with depression and give them a curt " snap out of it you soft twat". However exactly one day after her funeral i entered a very dark place that was totally out of my control. Fuck me was it horrible. For two months i fought with it, feeling like i would never break its grip. Everytime i looked back on memories etc, they all seemed completely pointless . The world was a tiny worthless heap that i happened to be in.
All the time i was putting on the "i'm ok" face for family and my then six year old son. Friends would say things like " i dont know how you cope, i wouldn't be able to"
Truth was i couldn't but what fucking choice did i have.
Eventually i came through by grasping at five minute windows of "normality" and moved on from there.
Those of you who still battle this demon, my heart goes out to you. You will make it.
I never , ever want to experience anything like it again.
(boarders You won't catch me with my trousers, Tue 4 May 2010, 22:10, closed)