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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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SO....Lighty's a nonce. Who knew*?
You're a fucking nonce too. MMPS is easily the biggest nonce in Scotchland and I don't just mean he's really fucking fat (which he is). Coming on here with his deep-fried birthday giving it the fucking lah-di-dah Billy Big-bollocks.

*apart from all his victims, obv.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:49, 179 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
I had your daughter.
she was shite as well as fucking ugly. tell her I said hi and next time wear the blue dress.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:51, Reply)
She can't wear the blue dress I'm afraid.
Your dad's borrowed it.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:52, Reply)
if he wants to wear it I'll need to exhume the corpse again.
fuck sake dad, first it was dress me up as dame edna and now this!
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:53, Reply)
He really is something, your dad.
Right character.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:56, Reply)
he played with the stones once, saw mick jagger's willy.
he said it was right huge.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:01, Reply)
When you say 'played with'.....

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:09, Reply)
wow, that really was a new low.
congrats OT, you've now been fully infected.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:52, Reply)
hang on
if she was shite and ugly, why would there be a next time?

i'm not sure you've thought this through
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:54, Reply)
monty pays me to see the videos.
pretty fucking sick if you ask me but a spesh is a spesh
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:54, Reply)
Innit doe.
Nigga be mad thirsty, yo.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:55, Reply)
Typical low expectations of the Scotchpeoples

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:55, Reply)
It's like he's some kind of ghastly Jockanese liar or something

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:55, Reply)
so he's the only liar on /qotw
he should get his lying scurvy arse back to /talk, pronto. we don't want lies around these here parts
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:56, Reply)
NO LIARS HERE PLEASE

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:58, Reply)
I'LL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF WITH A SWORD

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:00, Reply)
Just one phone call is all it will take.
Just ONE.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:02, Reply)
He tried to touch me once, until he found out that I was 'of age'

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:53, Reply)
Has someone rubbed you up the wrong way?
How do you rub the right way?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:59, Reply)
^ typical nonce question

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:00, Reply)
Why do all paedophiles LOOK like paedophiles
a dull it gimp by day, a raving pedarest gone 5. I heard he's now got a taste for Bangladeshi kids these days, I can't think why.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:00, Reply)
I heard it's because he likes the way their arses carry the faint whiff of garam masala about them.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:01, Reply)
And it makes his nob smell of curry.
So I've heard. Ahem!
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:03, Reply)
Course. 'Heard' yeah?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:08, Reply)
Physiognomic determinism?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:03, Reply)
yeah and he's a fucking nonce

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:04, Reply)
PhysioNONCE determinism MORE LIKE!!!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:05, Reply)
I think there's a difference between fancying kids and gnomes

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:14, Reply)
Typical nonce defence
"But I though they were gnomes!"
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:19, Reply)
Alright, what's going on?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:03, Reply)
monty is having his period.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:04, Reply)
oh *that's* what it is.
I thought someone had cut his coke badly again.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:06, Reply)
so..... am I going to get a birthday blowie?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:07, Reply)
OK

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:07, Reply)
about fucking time.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:08, Reply)
not from me.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:10, Reply)
fucking hell poppet...... fucking hell :'(

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:11, Reply)
I'm confused.
Are you guys still getting married?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:13, Reply)
Do I need to buy a hat?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:13, Reply)
No need. There's a bloke on here who has two.
I'm sure he'll lend you one of them.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:14, Reply)
I'm afraid I can't do that
For....personal reasons
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:31, Reply)
Some friend you are!!!!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:34, Reply)
friendship doesn't enter into it
It's a matter of preserving my spiritual identity
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:36, Reply)
You can borrow mine
As I won't be invited to the wedding.

*sadface*
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:53, Reply)
pretty sure you'll live.
/ac
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:13, Reply)
how will you ever break your virginity if you don't scrape the barrel?
poor poppet :( lonely 4lyfe
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:16, Reply)
I'd rather be a virgin forever.
I've got my vibrators, fingers and lube, that's all I need mate.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:18, Reply)
you filthy whore!!!
nah, you're alright you are.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:21, Reply)
I'm sure mmps has all of those too
in his underground nonceschwitz
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:56, Reply)
I prefer mine.
You know, just cos they're mine. And not, y'know, covered in sweaty noncejizz.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:58, Reply)
It probably wouldn't be as bad as you're expecting
Nothing ventured and all that
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:12, Reply)
Come on over Hatsy, whole lotta noncin' goin' on.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:06, Reply)
my default assumption is that you're all nonces
Im on a train!
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:05, Reply)
Train to NONCEVILLE I bet.
Did you go for that meal and if so, any good?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:06, Reply)
I did it was very good i had to sleep above the covers
due to meat sweats.
I saw one of kittys pole dancing showcases as well. It was fucking empowering.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:10, Reply)
What were the chicken hearts like?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:11, Reply)
didnt have them they only came out once and i already had a plateful
chilli beef and very rare rump were the best.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:13, Reply)
Same for me last time I went.
Kept my eye out for them but had fat bastarded out by the time they reappeared.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:14, Reply)
Unlucky.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:11, Reply)
£2.80 a pint of guiness at the pole thing so i was happy

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:14, Reply)
Look at the floor and keep drinking.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:15, Reply)
Why look at the floor?
Surely you want to be checking the "norks" out?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:16, Reply)
Not those ones you wouldn't.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:17, Reply)
Oh, I see.
She not nice then?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:21, Reply)
Kitty's titties bit shitty?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:26, Reply)
Nattier than her bitty clitty.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:27, Reply)
she didn't get her boobs out
only fat burlesque people did the pole dancers span around and went upside down and stuff. looked painful but to be honest it was lost on me.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:28, Reply)
Why bother then?
A dressed poledancer? Since when????
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:32, Reply)
IT'S EMPOWERING!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:36, Reply)
I hope it was oak

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:17, Reply)
Someone I know was at that all you can eat meat place on Saturday.
Did you see him?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:20, Reply)
i went on Sunday

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:26, Reply)
this makes me think of Old Spice Guy.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:06, Reply)
Old NONCE guy more like.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:09, Reply)
Paedo nonce rammer, more like!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:10, Reply)
Gyppo bestialist cuntflaps more like!!!!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:12, Reply)
Vulva scat melly, more like.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:15, Reply)
OK you win.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:17, Reply)
most my posts have that effect.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:10, Reply)
Because you remind people of the 1970s?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:14, Reply)
what have i missed then?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:20, Reply)
Only some full on NONCING taking place, here on this very board.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:21, Reply)
/noncetopic

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:22, Reply)
Load of disgusting nonces.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:29, Reply)
Went into a bar.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:30, Reply)
One says to the other:

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:31, Reply)
this joke wont end well

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:32, Reply)
I HAVE TO WALK BACK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:33, Reply)
What's our kid like?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:32, Reply)
10/10

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:33, Reply)
HEAD FOUND:
www.london24.com/news/head_found_near_where_eastenders_actress_gemma_mccluskie_s_torso_was_recovered_in_regent_s_canal_1_1510583

This is where I walk every morning. Once again the spectre of beheading stalks my every movement.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:32, Reply)
I didn't recognise her with her head on.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:35, Reply)
The important detail that no one's mentioning
is who did she play in Eastenders?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:37, Reply)
Ian Beale.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:38, Reply)
I sold Adam Woodyatt some shelving once.
He is, incredibly, a prick.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:39, Reply)
i found out where beth jordaches lesbian lover lives yesterday
I was like OMG
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:40, Reply)
NO FUCKEN WAY

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:41, Reply)
i'm a right friend to the stars me

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:43, Reply)
My brother delivered a wardrobe to 'Geeta' from EastEnders once.
No lie.

And I saw Benny Green from Grange Hill at Carnival once. Seriously.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:47, Reply)
that's fuck all, I see billy mitchell like all the time

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:49, Reply)
Yeah bull shit Mr Han man

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:52, Reply)
/film

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:52, Reply)
Hewwo Mr Bwaithwaite

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:53, Reply)
Aww der heavenwee gworwee.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:58, Reply)
*high fives*

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:04, Reply)
Back in the early-mid 90's an old mate of mine claimed to have gotten off with Anna Friel at a festival
We didn't believe him then, and still don't to this very day
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:44, Reply)
Well that throws my whole belief system out the window
He comes across as being so nice on the show
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:43, Reply)
There is something a little creepy about the fact that I've walked within a few feet
of a severed head, five times a week, for several months.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:37, Reply)
that's not creepy, that's just you and thousands of other people being spectacularly unobservant.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:39, Reply)
Either that or the head was just "put" there for someone to find....

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:39, Reply)
Unobservant?
You can't see two centimetres below the surface of that skanky canal. At the moment it's covered in thick green algae.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:40, Reply)
and heads

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:12, Reply)
that's pretty good going, considering it's a congealed algae mess of shit, beer cans, mattress's and beer cans

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:37, Reply)
Your fucking dog could've eaten it.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:38, Reply)
he were in there again on saturday :(
dirty cunt
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:39, Reply)
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT MONTYS FLAT, WHAT IS THE CANAL LIKE??? LOL!!!!!!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:43, Reply)
I don't get it.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:47, Reply)
Lusty withholding conjugal rights until you clean the place up?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:54, Reply)
*gaffaws*

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:01, Reply)
the ghost of barryfromeastenders still resides in the Kitchen, it's uncanny
Monty needs a tv Exorcist, a ten minute slot on a cable show and £20.00 in expenses to resolve it
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:48, Reply)
I'll never be able to sell the place until that restless spirit is at peace.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and it's like I can hear someone going through my kitchen drawers endlessly looking for something...something belonging to someone else.....
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:50, Reply)
Haha Barry 5am rape kitchen

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:52, Reply)
always at 5am, always
s'alright during the week, but a right ballache at the weekends
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:53, Reply)
What is it today with everyone complaining about not getting head?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:38, Reply)
Been round your dad's for lunch again?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:39, Reply)
Yes, and it left me still hungry

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:45, Reply)
Has your brother got a good alibi?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:40, Reply)
HE WAS WITH ME ALL DAY OK???

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:41, Reply)
jimmy Hill

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:41, Reply)
No, my brother.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:43, Reply)
where are we having lunch in a couple of weeks?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:44, Reply)
Needoo's?
Unless anyone has any objection. Or we could go up Dalston for Turkish at Mangal? That's excellent. Or Vietnamese in Wankditch.

Up to you lot.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:46, Reply)
Gotta be a curry, innt.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:47, Reply)
Fine by me.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:48, Reply)
Ben E King'szzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:48, Reply)
I reckon.
Although as it's just Monty's birthday why don't we ask only him.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:50, Reply)
Ask him what?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:52, Reply)
Where to eat. Where to go. What time.
You know. It's all about Monty.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:53, Reply)
Well where would you like to go?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:55, Reply)
Oh fucking hell!
Someone's going to ACTUALLY going to ASK me what I'D like, are they?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:56, Reply)
No. He's only joking.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:57, Reply)
Not really.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:57, Reply)
He'd like to go wherever the fuck I tell him OK?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:57, Reply)
How about you and me find some other place to eat, eh Stunned?
Just the two of us, yeah?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:55, Reply)
^ GAY

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:56, Reply)
Oh right.
Two blokes can't enjoy an intimate dinner together in a quiet, romantic, candlelit setting, before heading back to the flat of one of them for some medium to heavy petting without being accused of being gay now, eh?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:00, Reply)
*washes cock*

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:08, Reply)
Tangers,
That'd be lovely. I'm thinking Needoo's?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:58, Reply)
Perfect.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:00, Reply)
It's fully booked that night. Soz.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:02, Reply)
Sorry, who are you again?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:56, Reply)
Hahahaha

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:53, Reply)
I'm in favour of Needoos
mostly because it's walking distance. Also I plan on taking my Dad there next time he visits and I'd like some expert advice on what to order.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:02, Reply)
How much would even be left after 6 months?
And will she make an unexpected and emotional return to "the square"
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:40, Reply)
...as Dot Cotton's long lost sister.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:41, Reply)
+ better looking

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:45, Reply)
+ younger

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:46, Reply)
+ better smelling

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:48, Reply)
+ warmer clunge

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:49, Reply)

Alright ho bags?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:48, Reply)
Are you back in Wales?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:50, Reply)
No, he's in Afghanistan.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:50, Reply)
*sends donation to the Taliban*

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:53, Reply)

ation uts hanging from fishing rods
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:57, Reply)

ation ner kebab
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:06, Reply)

why?
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:03, Reply)
Can't I even try and spark a conversation? You're paranoid

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:08, Reply)

Not paranoid, just have no interest in talking to you.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:12, Reply)
Why ever not?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:13, Reply)

you're an arse.
(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:14, Reply)
How so?

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:17, Reply)
Because Nakers, you keep undressing him with your eyes and it's making him uncomfortable.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:15, Reply)
I can't help being sexually attracted to manatees

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:18, Reply)
This all sounds a bit cliquey to me.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:56, Reply)
FUCK OFF BERT.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:01, Reply)
*revs trans-am*

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:20, Reply)
You should expose them for what they really are

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:01, Reply)
OKIE-DOKIE!

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:20, Reply)
But you're invited as well.

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:08, Reply)
fuck off bret

(, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:18, Reply)

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