I'm not sure about the first section...it's very 'machine gun fire'.

The second section makes more sense...

I think it's because it's so fragmentary - if it was set in a longer piece...maybe only a couple of sentences at the beginning to set the scene...but then again I rather like going straight into the action...Perhaps a line or two interspersed with that action at the beginning...But then again that might weaken the impact.

Hmm...I dunno....

I do really like the anger that comes off it though.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 18:09, Reply)