Maladicta's Rules of Good Social Networking #33, #34, #35, #36, #37 and #38 (contains much sweary)
There is one girl on my list on Facebook who gets right on my tits for a variety of reasons (and if you've met me, you know that's a lot of norks whose space she can invade). She was the same when I lived with her. We shall refer to her as Stupid Neapolitan Bint, because she is, and she's a chief example of everything I loathe about social networking:


# 33 Don't slag people off where they can see it.

If you absolutely have to say something rude about someone, either PM someone who understands or say it to their face. Do not, as SNB does, put it on a public forum. In this case, SNB had come home from the union, where she had unfortunately drowned her phone in a glass of rum and coke and was whining pitifully and drunkenly about all the important calls and texts she would be missing (at 3am). Mr Maladicta and I had just got in from a party and he was spending a rare night at my old student house. SNB comes bounding out of her room, sticky phone in hand and the dude she was currently boinking following closely behind.

"Maladictamyphonefellinmydrinkandnowitdoesn'tworkfixitfixit!!!"
"Well, no shit it doesn't work, it's all gummed up with alcohol and sugar. You need to rinse it out with fresh water. My dad dropped his phone in a rockpool once and all you need to do is rinse it."
*takes the battery and SIM out and runs SNB's phone under the tap*
"OHMYGODNOWHATAREYOUDOING?!?!"
"Trust me, just leave it somewhere warm and it'll be fine in the morning."
"OHMYGODYOUHAVEWELLBROKENMYPHONEYOUCANFUCKINGWELLBUYMEANEWONE!"
"SNB, you're drunk and I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

Sure enough, the next day SNB's phone switches on fine and is okay bar the fact she's lost all her texts and all her numbers. So she sets up the token "Lost your numbers" group on Facebook and invites all 500-odd of her friends to it. I join and immediately regret doing so when I see the wall for the group. In among all the "07....... xx" posts, someone asks how it happened.

"Well I dropped it in rum and coke in the Venue and then Maladicta Lastname dropped it in cold water and it lost all my numbers lol!!11"

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't go straight over to her room when I saw that and cunt her very hard in the fuck with her own laptop. I should also have done the same a few weeks later when she decided it would be funny to post something slightly more spiteful about me on a different forum along the lines of "Maladicta will do anything [sexually] if you tell her she's beautiful" - her take on what I'd actually said about not being able to sleep with anyone unless I love them - a concept she couldn't quite grasp, being a stupid whore and all.


#34 Don't tell people how to use Facebook.

I've just got home from work where I've been spending most of the day learning how to code in our database software, and settled down with my laptop and a cup of tea to catch up with b3ta and Facebook and all my usual favourite sites that I'm not allowed to use at work. On logging in this evening, I have nearly spat peppermint tea at my screen and not for a good reason. No. It was, having seen just what "SNB wrote on your Wall", to yell "CHRIST ON A CUNTING BIKE DO I TELL YOU HOW TO USE FACEBOOK YOU NOSEY TART?" which may dent my restrained image somewhat but it was loud enough for Mr Maladicta to hear over Civilization 3 and Static-X.

SNB finds the fact that the number of photos of me on Facebook is under 1000 ridiculous (it's in fact around about the 50 mark and I think that's far too many as I look like a hideous troll in most of them - bad angles, grinning like a mong, you get the idea) and thinks it's pointless that I put up photos of things as well as people every time I post photos, no matter what they are, enjoys writing on my wall berating me for not having more of me and other people (she did the same when I posted a whole album of photos of London). In this instance, it was a small album of photos from a work trip to Paris last Friday as part of training and a getting-to-know-people thing. Most of the photos are of random Paris landmarks and contain the odd person, usually from a random angle because they got in my way. I'm a landscape photographer and besides, everyone was doing the same thing. Also, how the fuck can I tag people when they're not on Facebook? No point.

Anyway, I've taken to ignoring her wall posts because they're usually just the same drivel "Why put an album up when there are there no photos of you? Ur sooooo random!" and "This can't be the only photo of you you like!" and so forth, and I can't think of a decent way to answer them without losing my temper. Today I was also less than pleased to see she wants to know how much I earn.*

1. None of your business.
2. None of the business of any of your 600 friends, so if you think I'm going to write it on your wall you're even more pants on head retarded than I thought.

* Enough to pay the rent, bills and live comfortably. Sure, I can't buy a new pair of Manolo Blahniks every month, but who can on an entry-level salary?


#35 Don't post stupid, attention-seeking status updates.

Again with SNB. The whole time I lived with her, the borderline anorexic skinny bitch was whining about her "muffin top" - a whole half-inch of fat that rested gently above the top of her jeans. Being of a slightly curvier persuasion that I'd like (hence why I'll happily walk 45 minutes to get to work as often as I can and find Mr Maladicta's capacity to live on tinned spaghetti, takeaway pizza and Crispy Pancakes without gaining a pound utterly obscene), this galls me beyond belief.

SNB also has that pointless Compare People application installed, and the jewel in her comparison crown is that someone who wants to fuck her must have voted her "#2 person with the best body". Anyway, one day I log on to find a variety of status updates waiting for me, including "[SNB] has developed a boob complex. Maybe I should get fat so my boobs will get bigger but then I will lose my title of #2 person with the best body."

I didn't know whether to be sad or disgusted that she thought that was more important than the fact she'd be eating herself into an early grave. I was definitely disgusted when I saw just how many people had taken the time to write "OMG NO U LOOK AMAZIN AS U R!!!!11" both as a comment to her status update and on her wall. Clearly, fishing for compliments with the worst kind of bait.


And a partly-related one:
#36 Don't add people you've spoken to once unless you have their express permission to do so, for example, saying "Is it OK if I add you on Facebook?".

SNB and her equally alcoholic friends used to host Ring of Fire and Works Nights most Monday evenings (and, more often than not, they would coincide with an essay or other stupidly hard assignment I had due in - whether I'd invented it to get out of being groped by chavs in the Works or genuinely did have 600 words of Italian to translate by the morning because they wouldn't take "nah, don't fancy it" for an answer). Anyway, one night they happened to be doing this as I was cooking dinner. I said "hi" and made brief small talk with one girl and another, and the next day had six Facebook adds. Out of that, I'd spoken to two and been introduced to three of them. However, I'm too polite to say no and figure I can either limited-profile them or just ignore them. They usually ignore me and only have me for completism's sake.


#37 Don't add complete strangers, then be surprised when they reject you. And certainly don't be surprised when they reject you again ten seconds later.

Ronseal really. Leave me alone, creepy looking Egyptian men.


#38 - Messaging people from the next room is the height of laziness. Don't do it.

This refers to another of my former housemates who we will refer to as G. G lived in the room next door to me and didn't like it that since I spent a lot of the time out either at lectures or sleeping over at Mr Maladicta's (I should have claimed back from uni for the nights I didn't sleep there), and otherwise didn't really spend much time at home. For this reason, I only had to so much as cough and a message would plop into my inbox, usually reading "Are you home? ;)" or "Don't tell me you're actually home! Blah blah blah house dinner, you better be there!". The girl had all of ten feet to walk to come and knock on my door, and if I answered, congratulations, I would have been home, if not, I was either out or asleep. The laziness of it just irritated me so I used to ignore her.

The only reason I don't delete my account is because I met most of my Facebook friends either on my year abroad or through friends or through work and I don't want to let a couple of irritating people spoil what could be a decent system if it had better quality control...
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 18:02, 23 replies)

she sounds like hard work
good thing you're no longer living with her or your sanity would be long gone, i suspect.

chuck her on limited profile and hide your wall so she can't annoy you further :)
( gypsy turnips, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 18:25, closed)

An excellent suggestion.
I might well hide my wall as far as she's concerned because I sure as hell don't want her having my address/work info either!
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 23:01, closed)

I'm on Facebook
Aren't I something?

I've started being invited as a friend by all of my mum's friends on the damn thing. I'll most probs never get a message from them ever.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 18:40, closed)

It's amazing how many people add you
and then just ignore you, even if you write on their wall to ask how they're doing. It's really just classmate/colleague/uni friend Pokémon, isn't it?

Also, the bad thing about having family members on there is that now I have my cousin friended I can no longer slag off my immediate family...
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 23:02, closed)

One of my friends has 1609 pictures of herself up there.
Seriously, what the hell? I don't think that many photos of me even exist, although this is partly because I'm not at all photogenic and hate most pictures of myself.
(Uncle Comrade, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 19:20, closed)

^ ^ ^ Depends who you know
..For instance before going out with my current girlfriend (A photography student) there was about 30 pictures of me on there, about 1 taken actually by me.

There is now 336 pictures of me.
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 19:30, closed)

I have one friend who has about 2000 photos.
In all of which she is doing one of the following:

1. Snogging one of her mates.
2. Drinking.
3. Pouting.
4. Squishing her admittedly massive norks together.
5. Any combination of the above.

FOR 2000 PHOTOS. Why?
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 23:04, closed)

2000? christ!
some people seem to spend so much time documenting their lives in photos, it's a wonder they actually get any 'living' done.
( gypsy turnips, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 0:26, closed)

You don't happen to be/have been at Uni in Nottingham
do you?
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 19:34, closed)

Nope.
I went to Canterbury... although Stalker Boy went to Nottingham!
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 22:58, closed)

Laziness
I used to use this to my advantage. We lived with the world's biggest attention whore who managed to get extensions to nearly every piece of formal coursework and exams for some drama or other. By the end of the year it was more of an effort to talk to her than to pretend we weren't home, so we'd sit at our laptops in our rooms and chat via MSN while she went from room to room knocking on our doors so she could tell us about her latest crisis.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 20:38, closed)

I hope you used headphones.
Otherwise she'd probably have caused more drama if she thought you were ignoring her!
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 22:59, closed)

erm...
delete her?

There's your quality control right there. Just a thought.
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 21:39, closed)

^^^
This reply sums up the perfect response. You really shouldn't worry about upsetting people on facebook. If they are the sort of person who gets upset about you removing them on facebook, they aren't worth knowing in real life either.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 22:23, closed)

She's not worth knowing in real life.
She's a stupid attention whore who thinks she's all that and likes to tell me "you and [Stalker Girl] are more alike than you know!!!" because we both live in Ashford with our respective other halves* and work for the same company. FFS.

It would mean I could knock ALL my former irritating housemates off my Facebook list, and that would be fabulous...

* Although Stalker Girl's boyfriend is a poker addict who looks like a paedo... although I must say I'd rather poker than poke her, if you get my drift.
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 23:00, closed)

This is going to sound a bit stalkerish, isn't it?
I have to say, I love your name and I wince a bit every time I read one of your qotw answers about the people you know who seem to be social retards. Facebook is the bane of my existence, and if it weren't for the fact that I occasionally reconnect with people there, I'd purge my account...
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 0:40, closed)

Until I started work
the ratio of normals to retards was a lot higher, bar Stalker Girl I think Eurostar have much higher quality control levels than unis...

I'm glad to entertain :) I feel a bit like a one-trick pony sometimes as I seem to only attract social rejects offline but so far things are looking up!
( Maladicta, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:21, closed)

If you are who I think you are...
Is your picture in the recent b3ta bash? If so the statement "I think that's far too many as I look like a hideous troll in most of them - bad angles, grinning like a mong, you get the idea)" makes me think, "ARE YOU INSANE?" You're fucking beautiful!

The person I remember is gorgeous. I was impressed at the collective beauty of the b3tans, actually.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 4:22, closed)

*blushes like a loon*
I wasn't at the most recent bash: there's a photoshopped picture of me in my profile but I was at the Finsbury Park one: DiT probably has a couple of me posing shockingly on his iPhone but there are a couple of me in the Flickr pool :) frankly, I'm delighted someone thinks so!

We b3tans are a truly lovely-looking bunch of people if you ask me :)
( Maladicta, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:18, closed)

Neapolitan ?
Isnt' that like, vanilla, chocolate and strawberry? The mind boggles...

Also, I'm going to have to disagree with #38- I work in a programming studio, and someone physically talking to you is really distracting. IM is much better, and, coincidentally more accountable :)

How's the job workign out BTW? I've been eerily more productive since you've gotten it...
(pizzaforcat ate some cement and HARDENED the FUCK UP on, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 5:56, closed)

She'd probably claim that was how she tasted depending on where you licked her *eyeroll*.
The truth of the matter is that her family is from Naples and she has an Italian surname (this would make her easier to narrow down if you're on my Facebook).

We have to have physical records of everyone we talk to as well - for example if I have to call the head of onboard catering, I have to email him with what we just talked about it, so in certain circumstances I can make an exception... Aside from that, the job is wonderful :) I even don't care that Stalker Girl works on the same floor and I have to walk past her every time I go to get another cup of coffee. Can't wait till we get our own percolator... although I miss staying up till 2am talking to you about random bollocks!
( Maladicta, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 17:17, closed)

I like
"pants on head" retarded :)
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 21:41, closed)

Unfortunately it's not something I can take credit for.
I stole it from Zero Punctuation :)
( Maladicta, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 18:44, closed)