FESTIVALS ARE TOILET!
picture this reading festival 2004, any one who has been knows to avoid the toilets like the plague they are. Well there i was saTURDay nite bustin for a shit, so i cant take it any more, i bite the bullit and trundle of with bog roll in hand to the bogs! take one whiff and thin fuck that, so i find a little wooded area in Green 6 and decide to drop trowl and commune with nature but in the process of dropping my shorts i forget to do the tuck bakc and i let rip a stream of piss all over my nice clean shorts. And wat was worse is that i had a 10 min walk back to my tent! took a lot of explaining to get out of that one. still i took my shit and can proudly say i have never shat in a portaloo. I feel so sorry for girls at festivals!
(Roland_of_gilead, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 1:00, Reply)

Everyone does this at some point (don't they?)
At Uni, spent a few hours (er, all day) drinking in the union bar. Decided early evening that I needed a poo, so off I went.

Next thing I know, I am being woken up by a mate clambering over the top of the cubicle to rescue me. I am lying on the floor, on my back with my trousers around my ankles. I think I fell asleep/unconcious - never did work out if it was mid-poo or not - and gracefully slipped forward, but have no recollection. I just remember hearing the security guard telling my mate that if I could walk I'd be let out - no idea how long I was in there for...
(carindal chunder, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 0:12, Reply)

period related stories
one day at work around christmas when all the temps were there, i heard alot of commotion coming from the girl's toilet, and discovered that someone had left a nice trail of blood down the back of the seat. we couldn't even work out how they did it, let alone who! there was a very uneasy atmosphere between the girls for the rest of the day. we still dont know who did it! i feel sorry for whoever cleaned it up.

also one time at school, i went to pee and closed the door to find a heavily used sanitary towel stuck to the back of the door
(harrietthespy, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 0:03, Reply)

Should we just re-open "Shit Stories"?

( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 23:53, Reply)

Please use the toilets properly...
I work for a telecomms company in sunny Farnborough. A large number of our employees are immigrants, many of whom it seems have little experience using what we might consider to be 'normal' toilets. Footprints have been noted atop the pan on a few occasions, once someone managed to actually miss the bog and leave their poo on the floor (for the next happy 'customer' to find).

It go so bad that HR eventually had to put signs in all the bogs requesting that people use them properly.

Oh, and the other day someone managed to do a poo about 14 inches long. Needless to say, even after several flushes by various passers-by, it was going nowhere. I believe in the end someone sent an email to all-staff requesting that it's owner kindly dispose of it...
(carindal chunder, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 23:49, Reply)

Co op Car Park
This, is my local public toilet, its open most of the time. It is a big metal tin, with urinal, shitter, and big ass hand washing jobby (build into the wall)

it is dark, smelly, all the same stupid metal colour, and i wouldnt be seen dead in there unless i was actually murdered

2nd in my series of toilets i hate
(Abusive Eskimo - My post is here, at the bottom, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 23:23, Reply)

Crazy HK Chef
Ok, night out in Hong Kong, go to mate of mates birthday do. Turns out to be a free bar. Result. Sit down meal, lots of wine, free bar. Anyway, chatting away, foods digesting itself, drunken me needs a shit. Goes upstairs. Wakes up 3 hours later, trousers round ankles, all lights off. Using the light on mobile phone, manage to work my way downstairs, doors locked. Unlock all the doors from the inside using keys from behind the bar and proceed to be chased away by a crazy chef with a knife. Thank god there was a taxi nearby!!
(robbyefe, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 23:01, Reply)

Scared the crap out of me
Being a commuter with a habit of getting caned on schoolnights, I often find myself having to use the facilities at Victoria station on the way to work in the mornings.

I know the Government seems to want to encourage cottaging by decriminalising it, but personally I find predatory homosexuality in the toilets of one of the capital's major railway stations at 8.15am to be a bit beyond the pale. How are you supposed to crack the bowl in comfort when people keep knocking on the door and asking if you would like company? Anyway, I digress.

One morning while emptying my bowels of a particularly noxious substance which seemed to resemble gravy being pumped through a firehose, I took a breath (a potentially fatal mistake) grabbed a piece of bog paper to wipe the beads of sweat of my forehead and settled down.

In the pause, I noticed a slight movement by foot. It seemed that during my efforts to expel foulness I had had an audience of a single perv who had been watching me by holding a mirror under the partition between cubicles.

I immediately kicked the mirror as hard as I could with the witty reply of 'Fuck you fucking bender'. Potentially not the wisest thing to say but I was a little, well, distracted.

I was incredibly angry and, had I not been rendered unable to go and adminster a sound leathering by the fact that I had a shitty arse and my trousers around my ankles, would have been out of that trap like a flash.

Once I had finished I spent the next few minutes stomping around the toilets looking for someone to kill. For once the predatory queens did not look at me with quizzical interest as I growled around looking for the sicko who I felt had violated me.

Thinking about it , I suppose the perv's got a good racket going on there. I mean who's willing to rush out without wiping?

NB// I actually like gay men. They dress better than us straights and are great fun to get drunk with. I just resent having to drop the kids off at the pool while trying to convince them I am in a toliet to have a dump and not for some rought trade.

Oh well.
(batsub, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 22:35, Reply)

on my brothers first day at uni
we dropped him off so i went for a piss before we set off back (2-3 hour drive) but until i had got in the bathroom and closed the door i realised the dorr had no handle on the inside thus i was stuck until a random person came and got me out
*ahem*
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 22:34, Reply)

Skids.........
Came back from a night out on the piss, and decided I needed a good shit and a shower.(as you do)

Dump over with, in my half pickled state, must have had a slight problem with the wiping procedure, anyway, more of this later.

Got in the shower, and half heartedly rinsed myself off, got out and started to dry. Of course, when you are sober, the last thing you dry is your arse, but being pissed, such things didnt cross my mind, and the arse must have got dried first.
So drying my face off, started wondering wtf the smell was, checked the towel, to find a bloody great winnet (dangle berry, clagnut, whatever) smeared into the towel.
Not only that, but it was smeared into my hair, body, legs etc.

Never sobered up so fast in my life.
(SimonSNJ, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 21:44, Reply)

o.o Toilets. Toilets of DOOM.
Due to a large amount of childhood trauma, the upstairs bathroom where I live is now associated with comatose stares, zombies, cold medicine and the poison control people. But now, I have yet more memories to reinforce the fact that am suprisingly quite likely to be paranoid.

Just a few months ago- went to the bathroom, busy looking at the nice shiny tiles when I discovered, after taking a nice, healthy shit, that there were small worms in it. Ran downstairs, screaming profanities. Was busy being eased out of hysterics ( I have a fear of parasites. Okay?) when I realized, 'Oh, it's summer break tomorrow! Woo yeah!' Happily skipped up the stairs, past the offending bathroom, and packed for my trip to Texas.
Took some antibiotics and I was fine.
Notice that I didn't flush the toilet.
When I returned, happily sunburned, my roommate was sitting keening outside the bathroom door.
The contents of said bathroom were- 1 sink, 1 tub, and 1 toilet encrusted and foaming with bacteria and mold. Must remember to flush. TRAUMA. TRAUMA, I SAY.
(ZooLurker is an angry chick with a mullet!, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 21:40, Reply)

Fantastic idea..
Whilst out at Reflex, Bristol on Thursday, I had the ingenious plan of drinking shots all night instead of bottles as they were easier and cheaper.

Cue me drinking Cherry Corkys and Apple Sourz, but mainly Tropical Sourz (about 12/13 shots).

The next day had great 'hangover-poo' that managed to resemble a swamp marsh, both in consistency and that lovely green colour.

Smell was much much worse however.


This happened in my brand new flat, and I christened my toilet with the worst(/best?) poo ever
( SocialRobot, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 20:59, Reply)

self cleaning toilets
some of you may know that in queens square in liverpool there is a row of self cleaning toilets. knowning this, i paid my 10 pence and did my business and held the door open for the next person to use... now...once a person has used the toilet, left the cubical and shut the door, the toilets begin to self clean...what the toilet didnt realise was that i had held the door open for another guy to use and he had shut it behind him, causing the door to lock, jets of water and steam to shoot out of the walls and little sprays of bleach to make sure he was REALLY clean, out he stepped to a crowd of histerical people laughing at his "manly" screams for help.

just think about that next time someone offers to hold the door open for you...
( Sir T. Skellington, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 20:53, Reply)

Reading portaloo last year
Dubbed by me "The Magic Toilet". It not only cured me of the dreaded shivers (it was bloody freezing in the night/early morn in 2004) but after spending a few minutes in there, the disgusting portaloo smell disappeared. Amazing. It also made my tummy feel a lot better.

Another loo story:

We were in France many years ago and stopped to use the motorway toilets. They're not really toilets though, just grooves in the floor leading to the drain with little platforms to put your feet on. I opened the door to the cubicle to see a huge big poo in one of the grooves. Yuck.
(violetsheep, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 20:44, Reply)

ah yes, when I was best man
for my mates wedding.

We popped home for a bit in between the wedding and reception. At the time I had really painful irritable bowels, and I was on the bog in agony. Cue my kids downstairs making loud farting noises and generally taking the mick... I got angry and stamped on the floor in a grump. Unfortunately, at this moment I was weeing, and as I stamped, the action flopped my knob upwards, and I peed on my suit trousers. 10 minutes before we had to leave for the reception, at which I would be at the head table with bride, groom and family. Managed to get most of it out with a sponge, but I knew that I still smelled of urine all afternoon.
(teasus likes tea, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 20:27, Reply)

Good Heavens!
Not five minutes ago I went into the living room where my mother is sat watching TV. (Wait for it...)

As I go to close the curtains, have just read this excellent QOTW, I glibly remarked to her that "In face of the disaster at New Orleans, it wouldn't be very nice to say that the whole town was one giant toilet now, would it?"

Her reaction...

To comeback with, "Well, it all gets flushed in and out with the tide now doesn't it?"

How very...parentally-funny.
Sorry mother, I love you and all, but that was a worthy quip to include in the Book of B3ta.
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 20:09, Reply)

you can't beat proper chinese bogs
I went to China with me Dad when I were 16. Not the places where tourists go, but proper China where loudspeakers blare patriotic music at 7 am every morning, and people gather to stare at the wierd white people.

The best thing though, was the public toilet. It was on a sort of jetty over a lake. there were cubicles, but no actual toilets. Just a long half pipe. You did yer gubbins in the pipe, and someone would throw a bucket of water down it every now and then, washing everything into the lake.

Next to this lovely toilet, there were people fishing.


We didn't try the fish.
(teasus likes tea, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 20:03, Reply)

sleepwalking
once, when i was about 9, i was staying at my friends country cottage/mansion. fell asleep in a nice cosy bed one night, woke up to discover i had one foot mysteriously immersed in some warmish water. for the life of me couldn't work out what was going on, so presumed had a) wet myself somehow and b) gone blind. the fact it was night hadn't occured to my addled 9 year old mind. this caused much panic and set me off whimpering and i remember distinctly at one point shouting quite loudly about being.. blind. eventually woke up enough to realise i was upright, and at that moment clarity struck me as i realised that my foot was indeed firmly wedged down the toilet. which was on a different floor to the bedroom i was staying in. and had no windows, so it was quite likely that actually i wasn't all that blind.

promptly removed foot from toilet and wandered back upstairs, and decided to inform parents of my horrific sleepwalking ordeal. i think the terror was finally compounded when i discovered naked parents obviously very recently post-coital.

not sure that night could have got much worse.
(imitation, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 19:40, Reply)

Of course, there are those times where toilets are unavailable
Come on, we've all done it.

I was recently on a camping weeking in North Wales. We camped about 3 miles from the nearest town and decided to get a lift from a mate who lives there into town for the evening.

Left the pub about 11:30. Tried to get a taxi but the earliest one would have been about 1am. "Come on", I said to my mate, "we can walk back to the campsite in an hour". So we did.

About half way there I really needed a piss. Obviously there were no facilites as it literally was the middle of nowhere. So I went up a little path while my mate waited by the road.

We were half-heartedly trying to hitch a lift from passing cars, so while I was relieving myself my friend was putting his thumb to good use. Unfortunately the only car that came past was a police car. It stopped up the road and reversed back down to him.

I had finished pissing by this point and was walking back. From where I was I could see a car with a light on the roof. "Great", I though, "he's managed to flag down a taxi." When I got a bit closer I could see how wrong I was, but it was too late to go back.

As I walked past the older copper said "Oy! What have you just been doing?" After attempting to explain the situation away, I finally admitted what I'd been doing. Long story short, they took my name and address (the younger copper gave me a bollocking because, frankly, I wasn't being very respectful. Come on, have you met coppers? Bunch of patronising jobsworths.)

Anyway, the upshot was I got given a warning, of which I am strangely proud. But come on, I ask you, where else are you supposed to go in the middle of nowhere? Honestly!

So, who else has an ASBO then?


Edit: Just realised I've posted a few stories that probably belong in other QOTWs, but I didn't get the chance when they were active. Sorry!
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 19:35, Reply)

"Not the type of establishment I'd normally frequent"...
..but when you meet your girlfriends gay brother, expect to get taken to a gay bar. I'd been to a few before, but never in the capital, where this one resided (apparently a favourite of an ex 'Strike it Lucky' host).
So I'm having a jolly good time, chatting to girlfriends brother and partner, generally being very relaxed and drinking a few beers. Then I decide I need to pee.
"Where are the toilets?" I ask, and they point across the dancefloor helpfully, but then add "I'd use the ladies if I were you".
"Use the ladies?" I dismissed this as a wind up and strode confidently into the gents, pulled up to the urinal and started to drain the main vein. Then, from a cubicle behind me I heard the unmistakeable grunts of rather energetic and physical man sex.
I'm ashamed to admit I didn't wash my hands. And I used the ladies for the rest of the night.
(mcnelson, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 19:03, Reply)

too many stories come to mind!
i shouldn't really have to say much about the toilets at reading festival..

one time i was in tescos and the toilets were being cleaned so i had to use the disabled one, and i saw this red light switch next to the loo and pulled on it, then i heard a bleeping alarm and realised it was the "help, i'm disabled and stuck on the loo" alarm.. i ran out of there pretty fast!

there was also the time i got cornered in the toilets at a local venue by a herd of 15 year old bisexuals asking me why i dont fancy girls...

and the time in primary school where i had to use the infants toilets, coz the juniors were being cleaned, and on the floor by the sinks, there was a nice big brown shit, laying neatly on a green paper hand towel
(harrietthespy, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 18:48, Reply)

The Magic Bog!?!
Some years ago I relieved myself, no's both 1 and 2, at a friends netty. Cleaning myself up after this used up the last of the current bog roll, so I decided, as this is the right thing to do under ANY circumstances, to replace the empty card bit with a fresh roll. My friends parents had one of those knitted dolly things over the spare rolls so I flushed the chain and as the netty flushed set about the replacing type task, but...... whoops, butterfingers! I dropped the dolly thing and the new roll into the then sucking pan. I'm sure it happened in slow motion like the bowl in The Omen, spinning slowly down towards the frothing mass whilst I'm weighing up the social consequences of this, namely at best soggy dolly and loo-roll, or even worse covered in my excretions, explaining this to the parents etc. However, once it went below the surface it completely disappeared! No trace at all like some sort of tyrannosaurus toilet, SCHLOOMPH. Gone in one suck. Even worse I thought, blockages, plumbers, bills, so I gave one more test flush to confirm the damage but there appeared to be absolutely no ill affects whatsoever, it worked as normal. After this I was quite excited to tell the whole family of my turbobog experience and fortunately the dolly thing wasn't some family heirloom and they thought it was hilarious.

No apologies for any of the dimensions, the mighty toilet of death would have managed to dispose of it, no matter how big.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Sat 3 Sep 2005, 18:43, Reply)

Locked in
Using a toilet at one of the gas stations taught me how to open a different type of a door lock.
Apparently, the lock consister of the circular handle, and you had to turn it with a clink to a side. It didn't really get to me, but I even started getting a little panicky.
(Aquabeast, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 17:55, Reply)

As you may know, i am noctournal.
therefore, i have to be quiet at night.so i have been told not to flush the toilet until everyone's awake.well, usually I go to sleep before anyone's awake and i don't usually end up flushing.This means I constantly leave my brother 'presents', which, after 5-7 hours of festering, fucking stink.

here's another. Around christmas, we start to use the term "shitting brown ink" because of all the coke i drink...

one more. When my brother was young, he didn't like school much and tried to get out of going quite a bit.On one of those days, my brother said he was feeling a bit ill, so Mum told him to "go to the toilet and tell me what your poo is like"...five minutes later, my brother runs into the kitchen and yells "I DID NUGGETS!".he didn't get off school.

Length,girth? ha! you loved it.
(That guy with a hat., Sat 3 Sep 2005, 17:40, Reply)

Covent Garden loos
I was with a ladyfriend in Covent Garden and we both decided we needed to use the facilities. She came back talking about how good the toilets were, how they had makeup kit machines. Like condom machines, only with makeup kits instead. I told her about...

The smell. It was atrocious, it smelled like festival toilets (if you've been, you'll know what I mean) Assuming it was an ordinary toilet smell, I carried on...

There was a line of people at the urinal, which was dangerously close to overflowing and emptying verrrrrry slowly. So I went for a cubicle.

Every single cistern was blocked with paper and shite. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

Not a problem, by this time the line at the urinal has gone so I can have a piss... only just managing to avoid the whole thing overflowing on me.

As I walk out the cleaner passes me. Stepping over the junkie on the floor, who I'd failed to notice beforehand. And the smell was emanating from him. It was absolutely disgusting, I really wanted to vomit.

The cleaner took one look at the cisterns and left. I don't know if she went for reinforcements, or if she suddenly lost the will to live.

Men really get the short straw when it comes to the facilities, don't they?
( Detrius521, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 17:39, Reply)

Sign in disabled toilet . . .
I work at a newspaper print centre, where we have ample toilet facilities. There is even a special, completely seperate disabled toilet. Often used by all and sundry as we have no disabled workers. Once the toilet became blocked - now we have a sign on the wall in there which reads "Please do not flush plastic cups down this toilet". I always wonder why the hell anyone would have done this?!
(tom_artosorse, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 17:25, Reply)

Impromptu Toilet
Anyone that's been to Reading Festival (or pretty much any festival for that matter) will know how bad the toilets can get. There's not enough of them, and they're being used by thousands of dirty, smelly and often drunk or stoned music fans. As a result they can be quite unpleasant.

Reading 2004, and a mate of mine attempted to go all weekend without using them. After two days of furtively pissing in bushes, Sunday afternoon rolls around and he's absolutely bursting for a shit. It's just me and him at the campsite, and I'm trying to each lunch whilst he complains to me about just how desperate he is for a crap. I have a good laugh at him and eventually he shuts up and disappears for a while. I assume this means he's bitten the bullet and made his way over to the portaloos.

Suddenly, however, he reappears and darts into his tent. It's all rather quiet and as I'm begginning to wonder what he's up to, out he comes, clutching a plastic bag and muttering to himself.

"That was fucking awful," he opines.

"Did you just fucking do what I think you did?" I ask, but he promptly disappeares again, only to return, sans bag. After some grilling, I eventually get him to own up to the fact that, yes, he had taken a shit. In a plastic bag. In his tent.

I still refuse to let him live that down.
(Frank Snow, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 17:10, Reply)

Toilet on the right,bedroom on the left.
It was a lovely party,really. We'd been drinking ourselves silly all day and were sprawled about the living room when our blissful stupor was interrupted by sudden screams from the bedroom down the hall.

Turned out that our mate Frank,who'd stumbled off for a piss not long before, had become a little directionally-challenged as a direct result of excessive alcohol consumption.

Too wasted to know his left from his right,he entered Dan's bedroom instead of the bathroom that was opposite,walked up to the bed then proceeded to unzip and let loose a massive stream of hot,beery urine all over Dan's sleeping form.
Following this violation,Frank did as all thoughtful,drunk friends do and passed out on the floor.

Revived by the screaming,some of us managed to wobble into Dan's room to take in the marvelous sight of urine-soaked Dan shouting abuse while kicking the snot out of the completely unaware Frank.

To this day Frank swears it was an accident,but some of us do wonder. . .
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Once
I was in some toilets at some motorway services. I needed a wee, and thusly used the urinal. Then, a small boy walked into the toilets, and looked, almost in turn, at all the men having a wee. I thought nothing of this, and went to wash my hands. The kid was still walking round the toilets looking at everyone, when a man came out of one of the toilet cubicles. At this point the little kid shouted "Daddy! You didn't tell me you were having a poo!"
( FreudianSlap, Sat 3 Sep 2005, 16:52, Reply)