insicure men with penis issues why not make your cock look bigger
by only seeing women with small hands
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 21:43, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

And also, holding tight the end of your cock
when you need a wee, gives it the colour and shape of Mr. greedy, all purple and big.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:19, Reply)

Make your penis look like the Mr. Men character Mr. Bump
By wrapping two plasters around the shaft, tighter than one really should, to get the blue colour.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 19:18, Reply)

Teenagers: show the world that you're a rebellious, non-conformist,
by dressing to fit in with your peer group.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 16:32, Reply)

Avoid being frowned upon in the theatre
by not standing up during the middle of the performance, dropping your trousers, and inviting the company to collectively suck your milkworm.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Ladies!
Predispose unwanted admirers to self-reflection by enquiring as to whether or not an enhancement to their taken fancy would be to take a photographic likeness.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 13:51, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Avoid the embarrassment of buying sex toys,
by not being shit in bed.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 11:46, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Avoid the embarrassment of buying love eggs.
Simply collect discarded kinder egg toy shells from playgrounds and fill with bees.
( Cerebus Sticky! Sticky! Stick! Stick!, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 16:11, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Make sure you actualy have some thibg to say before saying it
to avoid looking like a 'celebrity' with the autoque turned off
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 14:31, Reply)

wank on your hand for 30 minutes
that way it will feel like somebody else is sitting on it.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 9 Nov 2011, 12:08, Reply)

After getting out of a hot bath
make your genitals look like a pelican by drawing some eyes onto your penis.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:36, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Gents
When in a nightclub, lower your standards in order to pick up the detritus at the end of the night.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:27, Reply)

make sure you actually have friends
before trotting out the disclaimer 'some of my best friends are real' after a dubious comment that could make you sound a bit of a loner
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:26, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

make sure you actually have friends
before trotting out dubious comments that could sound a bit mateless.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

make sure you actually have some paedophile best friends
before trotting out the disclaimer 'some of my best friends are child molesters' after a dubious comment that could be considered a bit noncey.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Wed 9 Nov 2011, 7:54, Reply)

Gents ! Avoid sex with women with low standards
By paying significantly more than your usual amount
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 7:52, Reply)

Gents! Get laid easily
by targeting women with very low standards.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 23:48, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Ladies! Get amorous attention from gentlemen
by lowering your standards.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 23:48, Reply)

Respond to the comment
(usually by a female member of the family) after moving in with a girlfriend for the first time, that 'there'll soon be the patter of little footsteps', by explaining that you've just moved into a house where the Seven Dwarves were murdered...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Tue 8 Nov 2011, 22:34, Reply)

give your skin that warm summer evening glow
by rubbing your self down with sand paper
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 18:19, Reply)

make sure you actually have some black best friends
before trotting out the disclaimer 'some of my best friends are black' after a dubious comment that could be considered racist.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 8 Nov 2011, 17:29, Reply)

Teenagers! Avoid your parents noticing you're drunk when you come home late in the evening
by acting normal.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Nov 2011, 12:57, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Don't buy a poppy yet...
Wait until after Sunday, they sell them off a lot cheaper then.
(bekowsquap Was raptured on, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:39, Reply)

If a ninja ever managed to sneak up on another ninja
the resulting paradox could destroy the entire universe.

Ninjas - think before you act. You carry awesome responsibility.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 9:17, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Someone in my family
Avoid making a mess of the toilet bowl when moving your bowel by making sure your arsehole is directly above the water first.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 6 Nov 2011, 14:14, 6 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this winter by giving her a shovel

(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 5:03, Reply)

Have a wank before every ad break
Then see just how many of the adverts still appeal.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 5 Nov 2011, 0:18, Reply)

Prevent women licking your balls by slamming them flat with a shovel first.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 16:05, 6 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Never put Pasta and Anti-Pasta too close together in the fridge -
The resultant explosion could take out half your kitchen.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 15:05, Reply)

Prevent cheese sliding out the side of your toasted sandwich
By applying a thin layer of No More Nails between the bread and the cheese. Works best if you sand the slices of cheese on the bonding side and take the shiny surface off to get maximum adhesive impact.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Fri 4 Nov 2011, 13:30, 1 reply, 13 years ago)