» Food sabotage

The Strike of "The spice Man!!"
Two summers back, me, and 30 or so of people I went to school with decided to go on a camping trip in celebration of completing our final year of compulsory education. The decided camp site happened to be on a pub's field, which I lived next door to (and by next door I mean it was the closest building to my house which is 1/4 of a mile away).

So the day came around, I had instructed my friends to walk down to my house once they had arrived, and we'd take some logs from my garden up to the field. As you can imagine with there being around 30 people, there was a blatant social divide, (me and my friends made up only around 30% of this divide), so at 7 O'clock there was a knock on the door and 8 or 9 people waiting on the step, we pick up the wood and start to walk up to the field. "where's Mitch" I ask along the way,
"Ah we left him in the tent to look after the food and booze, in case 'the others' try anything".

So we arrive at the site, where Mitch informs us that two people from "The other group" did in-fact, try to enter the tent, not knowing he was in there. "The fucking bastards! did they say anything Mitch?"

"Just said 'oh sorry wrong tent' and then left!"

"Bollocks, they thought they were in the wrong tent! They we're trying to steal our drink".

We were livid and wanted to do something, but we were smaller in numbers, and it was Mitch's word against theirs, so we said and did nothing about it.

So later that night 'The other group' got a phone call from a friend who had just arrived at the near by train station, and didn't know how to get to the pub, so rather than give directions, they decided to walk to the station and collect them. So off they went to the station (and no exaggeration ALL of them went, why it takes 20 odd people to collect 1 person from a train station I have no idea). This was our chance to strike revenge, the original plan was just to try and drink their booze before their return, but me and my close friend Aaron had a much more sinister idea! "Guy's wait a minuet, if they come back and see that we've drunk their alcohol, they'll just get pissed and take ours, we have a better idea........" Aaron announced to the group. The plan, was to spike their drink with hot sauce, not just any hot sauce, but Fucking rip your head off, descend into Dante's ninth circle, and stare in eyes of Lucifer himself, hot sauce!!! This was one million scoville hot sauce (for those of you who don't know 'scoville' is the measurement of the heat of chillies, Tabasco sauce is a mere 2,500). So with the plan in place we set it into action...

Aaron and I made haste back to my house where we put a few drops of the stuff into a small tupperware pot, while the rest of our group scuttled through "The other's" drink in search of a suitable bottle. Upon our return Mitche passed us an unopened bottle of white wine, Aaron smeared the sauce all around the rim of the bottle and hurried back into their tent and put the wine bottle back in place. We all agree that we will all take the fall no matter how smaller part we played in the operation, and then got back to grilling sauseges.

Eventually "The others" returned, we waited for it........ and waited for it......... "any second now".........
"They'll get to that bottle soon!"......... "Aaron you DID put all of on there right?"........
"Would the spicy-ness of it be diluted by the wine?"..........
"maybe they just put up with it not to give us the satisfaction!"..........


And then finally after two hours of anticipation..... "Oh my God!!!!! *cough* THERE'S FUCKING *cough* SOMETHING IN THAT WINE *cough* *gag* WHAAAAAAAA" Sophie, ones of the girls from "The other group" had took a swig of the wine, and was now panicking that there was poison in it and was now crying partly through panic, mainly through pain (Ok so I do feel a little bad that we made her cry). Me, not being the best person to keep a straight face, ran off trying to hide my laughter.

Once I had calmed down I returned and by this time mass panic had set in, Sophie was still crying and now with a small red rash around her lip's and her friend Bex was going through peoples bags, Ash (Bex's boyfriend) had figured it was us, and surprisingly found it hilarious and was playing along with it. The rest of the guy's from "The other group" were tasting the wine trying to figure out what was in it, some wincing in pain others exclaiming "That's fucking LSD someone's put in there" and
"That tastes of nicotine" (seriously nicotine? c'mon) and Emma (bit of a drama queen) was telling people that she'd seen gypsies on the field next door (which there weren't) and she could swear she saw "A man in the bushes holing a testube and laughing" (which she hadn't.....I hope).

Amazingly most of the cretins believed Emma's bull shit story about "The Spice Man" and sat huddled in their tents terrified that A gypsy would turn up and force feed them hot sauce.

unfortunately we had to come clean in the end because Bex wanted to call the police on this imaginary chillie based, now super villain.

The moral of this story is, don't go in other peoples tents or "The Spice Man" will hunt you down, and spice you!!!
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 21:21, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Kind of a prank now, but it started as an experiment...... and sorry for length.
For this anecdote, I will be using fake names for those involved, as the experiment/prank is still ongoing, and using real names could jepodise it's success.

Ok, so a while back now me and two of my chums were in a three way instant message convo, for anonymousisity's sake we'll call them Dave, and Paul. The convocation starts grow boring when we get a pop-up that another one of our friends friend has come online. Now friend number 3, (we'll call him Jim), is one of those intellectual types with absolutely NO common sense, so we decide to test his gulability, and thus the Experiment "how quickly can we convince Jim that one of his friends is gay" is hatched, we decide on one of our close friends who we'll call "Fred" to be the reactor in this test.

We all had various hypotheses to the out come of this experiment. I guessed that it would probably take a good few hours and would probably need to bring Fred in on it, Dave hypothesized that it would probably take around half an hour, and Paul thought that we would never do it. So, after a few minuets of discussion upon how we would conduct the experiment, we decided that me and Paul would play the part of telling Jim that Fred had came out to us, and Dave would be pretending that he knew nothing about Fred's coming out, and the news be new to him.

So we create a new chat room and pull Jim into it, the conversation started off something along the lines of this..... (I believe Dave still has the transcript)(, remember Dave is pretending to not know about Fred's coming out)

Me: Hey
Dave: Yo
Paul: Hey
Jim: Hi
Paul: Man, I can't believe about Fred
Me: I know, it's completely out of the blue
Dave: What about Fred
Me: Oh wait don't you know?
Paul:I don't know if I know unless you tell me what it is
Dave: Do you know Jim?
Jim:No
Paul: Madlyinsane, your defiantly talking about the same thing as me right?,
Me: Yeah im pretty sure.
Jim: What is it?
Me: I don't really know if we should tell you, it's not really our place.
Paul: Madlyisane, we may as well tell them, cos their going to be suspicious now, plus we don't really want them asking around trying to find out.
Me: Ok then, I'll let you tell them
Dave: What? what?
Paul: Ok basically today, Fred came out...
Jim: WHAT?????
Dave: ah I always expected it
Dave: I mean it does make sense.
Jim: No way this is bollocks, you guys are just messing with us.
Me: Why would we be messing with you with something like that, it's not really something to joke about, lying about it would just be ass hole-ish. **I still feel guilty about saying/typing that now**
Jim: I suppose.

Anyway, I'm sure you all get the idea, a small story from Paul about Jim confessing to him earlier in the day, and a quickly made up transcript from me of Fred coming out to me over MSN was all it took to catch Jim hook, line, and sinker.

Results
Total time to convince Jim that Fred is gay: 12 minuets
Level of Jim's Gullability: 9/10

Epilogue
So after convincing Jim that Fred was gay with such ease we decide, to not stop at the end of the experiment and to carry on with it. The following day at college, (bear in mind that Fred has no idea about this) Me and Jim were talking and all of a sudden I find a gay porn mag thrust in front of my eyes, and with my delight, and Jim's shock, who would be holding this mag-o-cock? Why none other than Fred :D. In the days following Specs of genius coincidence like this just kept on coming, Such as Fred resting his hand on Jim's knee whilst in a lesson, Paul's new nick name that he had given Fred "Big Bender" which seemed to love, and responded to, and Jim looking up just as Fred was stood in front of him in a ridiculously camp pose.

Anyway, as times moved on, we started to forget about the experiment, and assumed that Jim had figured out that it was a joke, until about two weeks ago, Me, Dave and Jim are walking to a lesson together, and Jim pipes up with... "You know when I found out that Fred was gay, I promised myself that I wouldn't let things change, and that he'd still just me the same old Fred, but things would be a bit weird to start off with, but he hugged me the other day, and the hug didn't feel like a normal friendly hug, he seemed to embrace it a bit more" Of course this was a ridiculously hard moment for Me and Dave to not burst out laughing but we somehow managed hold it in. This event sparked a new experiment "How quickly can we convince Jim that Fred has the hots for him" Results: around 20 seconds.

Again I appologise for the length.
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 23:13, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Lick a dick a day...
When I was 5, there was this thing going round my school where kids would ask each other "Do you lick a dick a day". Not knowing that dick was just a nickname for the penis, I went home to ask my mum what a dick was, "Why?" she replied back to me,
"Because Dane asked me today if I lick a dick a day" I told her innocently.
"Oh dick is another word for lollipop".

Next day in the school playground at lunch; "Madly, do you lick a dick a day?"
"No but I'd like to."

13 years on, and I still havn't lived that one down.
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 23:30, More)

» Will you go out with me?

I asked her name and it was.....
I was once enjoying a celebratory champagne (over a business deal) in a small club in Soho with a few chums, and I caught this girl looking at me from across the bar, and my eyes caught her's she quickly glanced away. I thought nothing of it, I'm used to people looking at me, I'm 6ft 7, so I get a lot of people looking at me trying to guess my height.

Any way, I caught her looking again a few minuets later, again she quickly looked away. There was something quite different about this girl but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Anyway I caught her looking yet again, but this time she didn't shy-ly glance off to the side, no, this time she got off her bar stool, and walked over to me. She seemed to be quite tall, which is a good thing for me, having a tall woman makes things hell of a lot easier considering my height.

As she arrived at my side, she asked in a rater deep breathy voice if I wanted to dance, well I'm not the worlds most passionate guy, but it was only a dance, nothing serious, so I figured "why-not", we made our way over to the dance floor, it was quite strange, she seemed to want to lead, I had no problem with that, I'm far from a good dancer. After the first song, I asked her her name, and it was Lola, L-o-l-a, Lola! And that's all that I'm telling, but I feel sure you can fill the rest in for yourself!!!
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 3:37, More)

» Eccentrics

Micheal the eccentric
Growing up in a pub I've met alot of eccentrics, so I'm sure I'll be posting a few of these, but I'll start with Micheal the eccentric.

Micheal's a regular at the pub, a big guy, around 6"4' in his late 50's/early 60's, with medium length curly hair, and a constant grin on his face. The first time I met him, I assumed he had a mental disorder, but I soon learned that he's one of those types that are so intelligent he seems crazy. Here are a couple of choice memories of him;

A couple of years back, I was stood in the main bar talking to one of the customers, Stuart. Mid conversation Michel bumbles in and shakes Stuarts hand, then pulls Stuart towards him, and leans towards his ear as if to whisper something in it. Rather than whispering Micheal say's (at a normal volume) "Have you been eating mmmmelons?"
"Er no, Micheal mate I've not"
At which point micheal pulls back, straigtens up and says matter of factually, "Oh, must just be the smell then" and wanders off into the side bar.

Once I was at a beer festival with my Dad, when we bump into Micheal, he and Dad, start talking about foot ball and different beers, then half way through a sentence, Micheal trails off and looks into the distance just past my dad's head and states, "Yes well, craaaaabs, I could be doing without them in my life at the moment" and walks off.
(Sat 1st Nov 2008, 16:06, More)