My complaint letter to newline cinema regarding sex and the city II
[email protected]

Dear Sir and more importantly Madam(S).

The idea behind this pleasure explosion is so unbelievably erotic, that I cannot thank you enough. For one thing i bet I have seen this movie more times than you! That's by the by though, and something which will only make you jealous into your mouth.

For another thing i (prior) and (during most) of 'sex and the city part one', i had terrible impotence (and god only knows), but by the end of 'sex and the city' (part Zwei) [II] after my first screening, i had made a life-affirming decision to become and am sort my 'little' problem out.

I decided to watch it again, based on the stirrings of the monster that had previously lain unsettlingly dormant. Sadly (and almost 88.4% tragically) I had slept (due to an incident in which i didn't manage to get any sleep) during the first screening, although i have since punished myself on a nearly daily basis - But since then, rain or shine - I have driven myself to a feverish state of post-nausea (ecstatic some would say) in a bid to become the only man on the planet to watch this film almost continuously - excluding blinking and weeping - and eating only cinema related snacks and occasionaly howling at the images in front of me.

* Including the common hot dog.

* (and popcorn) etc.

Anyhooooo, let me get to my 'review'. I consider myself the only man on the planet to have watched this more than any other man or woman (etc) to have watched this film [more than anyone else basically!]. Thus i am claiming all rights under the 'intellectually property' because my mind has absorbed it completely.

Please surrender all copies of this film within a time frame that we can all agree on [in (court)] and then we can get down to the nitty gritty.

27th may 2010

Basically, I am translating this film via my 34 year old son, as i sit mesmerised by the cheeky indecency being splashed into my eyes on the BIG screen. All those jokes about sex have no doubt claimed me a long time ago, but as the redhead would say 'well don't let that stop you!' - (incidentally she might have said that in the first film, not the second film, but if she hasn't said it yet, i suggest you use it in the prequel).

I am quite proud to admit that myself am more post-modern than anyone, except maybe Lady Gaga. But the whole liberation aspects of this absolute hoopla-stinger of a movie, penetrated my fat soul like the hotdog in my greasy palm. I am currently shaking (with laughter) at its shrieking nonsense, it's unengaged idiocy has forced me to reconsider my whole life. You have SOLD me on my 32nd screening.

28th May 2010

I must have drifted off for a bit, but my son awoke me by with a gentle poke. He translated back at me (from his mouth) the few scenes i had missed. Sarah Jessica Parker is now laughing snyly at someone in a dress.........

A life that consists (completely) of living in a dark cinema [all costs to be covered by you lot when we eventually get to court] , whilst shitting in a bag and snaffling buttered sweets is slowly becoming acceptable. But i can't talk. Not for long anyway. I'm mesmerised. The scene with the bed post moving..... The redhead's teeth.


29th The cinema owner keeps asking if 'i'm alright', but my son is a good lad. He looks after me. My son gave him some notes, told him to keep it rolling. I have to admit the (medium) blonde lady is looking less and less attractive, but i'm still hooked. The narrative is a joy (a fucking joy), the editing is influential and top notch.

I keep phasing in and out of this world. I keep thinking i'm having sex with a city.

30th May 2010

The stench has become overwhelming, and my son has crept off into the corridors to get 'coke'. But i refuse to budge. I have lost track of the amount of time that has passed, except for the fact i'm on the opening scene again. It's overwhelming.

I have formed a routine. I can now brush my teeth whilst shitting and i can swirl the residue into a paste that can then be used for a shave. I then scrape most of it off with the paper pop corn bags and burn them to keep warm. I can't even hear the film anymore.

My shirt is ripped, i'm covered in crumbs and kernels and seed. The seat in front of me has been tarnished by my gleeful writhings and i think i've bitten my tongue.

Thankfully i've made a crude shelter out of some old seats in which i can conceal myself from all but the brightest of torches, but i think it's getting to a point where enough is enough. There is only enough cackling and banshee sex a man can take. I think i'll watch it three more times just to get 'the jist' and then i'll plan my escape.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:08, 2 replies)

well technically not a complaint letter
and i've never even watched the film... but you get the picture.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 15:10, closed)

*click*
Wonderful. Exactly what my brain needed after a pretty damn boring day at work.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 16:12, closed)